Once upon a time, on a TV series that debuted three seasons ago, we had this idea that Total Divas was going to give us a raw, unfiltered glimpse into the actual everyday lives of the WWE’s female superstars. We thought the title of the series represented the “Total” or complete look at what it takes to be one of the lucky women tasked with carrying the burden of making the Divas division something that stands up to the rest of the WWE’s male-centric stories and personalities, all while maintaining their own personal lives on the side. After all, these women are supposed to be the biggest badasses in the sports entertainment game, but they’re also 20- and 30-something ladies trying to have it all.
As we get set to watch the second episode of the third season of Total Divas, I feel like I’m pointing out for the trillionth time that I take these women less seriously now than I did when this series began, because instead of giving us an honest and unscripted look at how hard it is for them to roll that boulder up the hill each week, we’re sitting here wondering why the f*ck Nikki Bella and John Cena are even together. Thus, I propose that E! and the WWE consider changing the name of this series to something more appropriate, like The Real Ring Wives of the WWE or The Unsympathetic Adventures of Nikki Bella’s Frozen Eggs.
But I guess that diapers left in the sun always catch more flies than honesty, so let’s get on with this recap of “Mo Marriage, Mo Problems,” which will almost certainly focus on the Bella Twins and their neverending quest for a happiness that neither of them can actually define.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Naomi – Always the most genuine and entertaining of the Divas, although she’s way better than the inevitable “The Funkadactyls are breaking up!” crap that’s coming.
2) Summer Rae – She’s off filming The Marine 12: You Gotta Save That Babe, Marine! but she’s with the rest of the Divas in spirit, as they all hate her.
3) Brie Bella – The voice of reason, muffled by her twin sister’s cartoon boobs.
4) Cameron – As much as I can’t stand Vincent and Jonathan, I’d love it if they got into a Divas boyfriend/husband feud.
5) Nattie – Poor, recycled Nattie. So pointless.
6) Nikki Bella – Oh no, she’s not seeing eye to eye with John Cena? Let me *fart noise*.
7) Rosa Mendes – Back in the WWE, new to the show and almost instantly insignificant.
8) Eva Marie – No matter how much the writers want us to like her, she’s still the worst.
It’s a Tale of Twin Ticking Clocks
Nikki and Brie may be mostly identical from the neck up, but they have their differences. For starters, Brie found and married a man who wants almost everything that she wants in life, while Nikki is dating a guy who never wants to get married again or have children. Despite those differences, though, the Bella Twins both want to have kids very soon, because at 31, they’re practically old maids. Because of John Cena’s adamant refusal to get Nikki pregnant – we’ve gotta have a trap episode coming, right? – she went ahead and started the process of having her eggs frozen, which led to Cena finding her syringes and thinking that she was addicted to heroin. But what about Brie and Daniel Bryan? Did they get seats next to each other on the baby train?
It turns out that Brie’s plan is two have two kids by the time that she’s 35 – “I want to have two babies come out of my vagina by 35” – but Daniel was thinking more about putting two kids into her vagina around the time that she’s 35, because he was under the impression that she didn’t want daddy on the road. But first, instead of clarifying this divide and allowing them to reach a common ground, Brie and Daniel have to move into their new house and bicker about all of the renovations. As Brie said, it’s HER house and SHE wants to fix it up how SHE wants, and this has absolutely nothing to do with wrestling. Even this week’s special guest, Random Bro Wearing White Sunglasses, was all, “Dubs tee eff, y’all?”
However, I would totally watch a DIY or HGTV series that has Daniel Bryan making houses greener. That would instantly become my favorite show on television.
This Week on Nikki Bella Goes to a Restaurant
This wouldn’t be a complete episode of Total Divas if it didn’t feature A) The Bella Twins bickering while they shop, and B) At least one of the Bella Twins having a special moment at a restaurant. We got both of these, as Brie “double dissed” Nikki while they looked at expensive crap for Brie’s house, and Cena revealed to Nikki and her breasts that he doesn’t want to think about a life in which she’s fertilizing her frozen eggs without him. It would have been a really sweet and touching moment if I’d been able to get past Cena’s inability to wear an expensive dress shirt.
BONUS BELLA TWIN FIGHT TIME!
The episode hadn’t even hit the halfway point when the Bella Twins stopped to get coffee and argue about which of them is the better sister to the other. The answer to this revolving door conundrum is they are both equally awful to each other in their own special ways.
Bad News for All of the Aunts of the World
Nikki Bella is the “World’s Greatest Aunt.” She said it on a TV show, so it’s true. Sorry for being so blunt, but you all can stop pretending and fight for second place.
Brie Suddenly Realizes that Her “Problems” are Meaningless
With Daniel Bryan needing to get neck surgery that could ultimately threaten the length of his career, Brie has finally put her complaints about the house renovations into perspective. How worried about Daniel was Brie when she had to make a red carpet appearance with Nikki? She said, “I wonder how Bryan is” while she was on that red carpet. That’s love, folks.
A Gal Just Can’t Crossfit When She Has Babies on the Brain
While Cena and Nikki were getting their Crossfit on – and presumably before they posted to Facebook how awesome Crossfit is – Nikki decided to stop and remind her man that she wants to freeze her eggs. Did you know that Nikki wants to have a baby at some point soon? She does. I know, she only said it 17 or 46 times in this episode, but it bears repeating that Nikki Bella, a professional wrestler on a show that pretends to be about professional wrestling, really wants to have babies soon. Also, Nikki Bella wants to have babies. Soon. Babies. Nikki Bella. Baby Bella. Frozen eggs. Dream about these words, for your reality exists only in Nikki’s womb.
The Funkadactyls are No More
The WWE dude whose name I can never remember (Mark? Mort? Merle? Marp? Meerkat?) delivered a crushing blow to Naomi and Cameron, in that Naomi is getting a leg up, and that leg is pushing off of Cameron’s head. Cameron now has to be the valet for Naomi, which is a huge slap in the face, despite the fact that, as Nattie explained in her 8 seconds of camera time, Cameron never really paid her dues. Regardless of reasoning, Cameron was obviously really upset and that is bad news for all of us, because…
Aw F*ckballs, Cameron’s Recording a New Single
Part of me felt a wee bit sad for Cameron as she started crying in the studio, but then they showed the guy with the hair holding the guitar and I started laughing so hard that I fell out of my chair and cracked my head open and nobody found my body for 12 hours, as my ghost had already left my body and it kept laughing like one of the weasels from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, and then I came to and laughed some more. The way that he was watching her cry with this look on his face as if he was thinking, “Mother f*cker, I played backup for Bruce Springsteen” just killed me. If Total Divas is good for anything, it’s having people in the background who are always like, “What the hell is happening here?”
Fortunately for this episode, we didn’t have to listen to Cameron’s new song. Instead, Vincent gave her some mumbling advice and then took her home so she could complain about everything else off-camera. Eventually, it was time for Cameron to valet for Naomi for the first time – it was a match in which Naomi defeated my girl, Paige, so that was a low point of the episode – and Cameron just wasn’t very happy. So she did the adult thing and went straight to Meep or Marble or whatever to complain in person that she doesn’t want to be relegated to a valet role.
This was a terrible idea. Morx told Cameron that if she decided to go to NXT for more training and developmental work, she may never return. This, of course, made Cameron cry, but then again, everything makes her cry. She could probably watch a unicorn save a bus of children from a nuclear explosion and she’d cry because the unicorn had pretty sequins on its skirt.
Just How Serious is this Funkadactyl Split?
Cameron said, “Girl bye” to Naomi. There’s no line greater, and it was crossed. Did she go there? Yes, she went there.
Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Naomi – She was put in a situation in which she had to make the best decision for her career, and she did what was right.
2) Summer Rae – Nowhere to be found until the preview for next week’s episode, so I’ll take it!
3) Brie Bella – She started off plummeting to the bottom, but she recovered when she realized what we all know… Daniel Bryan is the best.
4) Nattie – Poor, poor Nattie. Only on the episode to mumble crap that I barely paid attention to.
5) Rosa Mendes – She showed up to remind us that she had a boob job. That was it.
6) Nikki Bella – I can’t wait for the episode when she find out that she’s pregnant and then she complains about how this is going to destroy her career.
7) Cameron – She may not have played the new single, but she recorded one.
8) Eva Marie – Her only role this week was to give marriage advice. MARRIAGE ADVICE! Holy f*ck, how high are the writers of this show?