The last thing that this goofy, scripted, parody-set-within-reality series needed was for someone to drag the dead, bloated trope of religious conflict into play. Last week on Total Divas, Eva Marie found herself right in the middle of a classic family debate on religion. On one side, there’s her charming but very traditional and stubborn father, who is battling prostate cancer and only wants what’s best for his daughter, which includes a traditional Catholic wedding, and on the other side, there’s her husband and Scott Stapp lookalike contest winner Jonathan Coyle, who believes in a non-denominational God, and he’s just not going to change that for anyone, brah. Dudes with no sleeves and no specific deity need to stick to their beliefs just like anyone else.
But let’s take Eva Marie and whatever the hell she was wearing on her head in last week’s preview out of the middle and put ourselves in her place, because we’re the ones that have to sit here with painfully confused looks on our faces while asking, “Whoa, what the hell did God do to get dragged into this mess?” Next thing you know, Total Divas will be hosting a very special election episode in which each Divas chooses a candidate and campaigns for him in her own special way.
Wait, no. Forget I even mentioned that, because it’s an idea so terrible that it would probably end up happening. Let’s just get on with this week’s episode, which is shockingly packed with terrible, terrible nonsense.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Naomi – She has to do what’s best for her now that the WWE’s Diva division booker – Mark or Meep or Tomax – has split the Funkadactyls up.
2) Summer Rae – She’s been off filming The Marine 16: Marine Like You’ve Never Marined Before, but don’t worry – all of the Divas still hate her for no good reason.
3) Brie Bella – She’s one plain M&M that you randomly find in a bag filled with peanut M&Ms.
4) Rosa Mendes – So far she’s just been on this show to get naked and cry, which is the bread and butter for a crazy magnet like me.
5) Nattie – Poor, poor Nattie. Only on the show to be everyone’s overprotective and jealous older sister.
6) Cameron – She recorded a new single, so I’m terrified that we’ll have to hear it soon.
7) Nikki Bella – I’m not sure I can handle anymore of her relationship garbage with John Cena. They’re a babysitting-gone-wrong episode away from completely emptying the bad sitcom cliché tub.
8) Eva Marie – Still the worst.
What Happens When Things Stop Being Polite and Start Getting “Real”?
We’ve finally caught up to the feud between WWE Chief Brand Officer Stephanie McMahon and Brie Bella, which can basically be summed up as “You’re fired! No I quit!” and slap, slap, slappity slap, followed by “I’m shocked she’d slap me in this wrestling ring!” Brie tells us that she loves this story because it allows her to borrow from her real-life marriage to Daniel Bryan for her scripted in-ring personality, and then double down by rolling it over into the very-scripted reality series, where she can explain what it’s like to be breaking that imaginary wall. I’m not as hip as I once was on my wrestling lingo, but I think this is kind of like kayfabe, but way less ridiculous (and hilarious in the worst way) than something like DDP “stalking” Undertaker’s wife. (Again, please correct me if I’m misusing kayfabe, because you could offer me a million dollars to pronounce that word, and I’d just mumble something about a kangaroo and walk away.)
Meanwhile, if the WWE’s Divas guy (Mork or Melon or Moon Pie) wants to give Cameron an awesome new gimmick, I’ve got it. She could be the Statler and Waldorf of the WWE and sit backstage with other random WWE personalities, watching matches and promos as they happen, and then responding with lame one-liners after each one. Every once in a while, someone will take offense to what she says, and they’ll settle it in the ring. As long as Eva Marie isn’t there, I think this idea is a winner.
What Really Matters is Daniel Bryan’s Injury
If Daniel’s injury ends up being something that keeps him out of action for a long time or – GULP! – forever, he and Brie are going to need something to fall back on. As Daniel has told us before, he doesn’t have any skills to fall back on, so they’re “genuinely” concerned that they could end up poor and homeless when all is said and done, because they certainly couldn’t live off of her Divas salary and whatever he’d make as a popular action movie star. Daniel needs to get his ass to Jos. A. Bank and buy a new suit (and get $7,000 worth of sweaters for free, now until October 1!) so he can start interviewing for real jobs and support his wife. Of course, first they need to read the book “Walk Away Wealthy,” in which I assume the first lesson is “Write a book with vague advice on personal wealth, and sell it for $30 a pop.”
Fortunately, Brie’s mom, Kathy, owns a recruiting firm and she’s got them covered. Kathy wants Brie and Daniel to come in and go through the interview process so they can learn what it’s like to pursue jobs that they’re guaranteed to loathe. Let’s check in on Daniel’s reaction to that idea…
If anything, this should be a nice escape from Nikki Bella and her breasts complaining about how John Cena won’t buy her a square mile on the moon, because she heard that freezing your eggs on the moon is the best way to have the perfect baby.
Hey, Something Looks Weird About that Chicken, You Guys
Gee, does the chicken seem weird, Nikki? Is it strange that after Adam Rose’s whole hippy party left, the woman in the chicken mask stuck around? It’s clear that the writers of Total Divas think that the definition of a segue is a two-wheeled vehicle that Triple HHH rides around the arena so he can’t be bothered to stop and talk to lesser wrestlers whose names he refuses to memorize. Anyway, the chicken is obviously Summer Rae, who is back from filming The Marine 14: Bro, Do You Even Marine?, and she’s furious with Layla for some reason.
Layla doesn’t matter, though, because all of the Divas on this show hate Summer Rae, and that means it’s time for a montage to remind us that:
A) Nattie hates Summer because she flirted with Tyson Kidd, and like all of the other Divas, she makes Nattie feel insignificant in the grand scheme.
B) Brie hates Summer because she thinks she flirted with Daniel, and then she offered Brie relationship advice, and so they fought about it.
C) Nikki hates Summer because she thinks she flirted with Cena, and also because everyone else hates her, so Nikki has to hate her more and sexier than the rest of the Divas.
D) Eva Marie hates her because Summer refused to tag her into a match, because Eva Marie spends all of her time at photo shoots, and she refuses to learn how to be a better wrestler, which would in turn reduce the danger that other Divas face when in the ring with her.
E) The Funkadactyls don’t really have an opinion in this matter, but it’s important to remember while watching Eva Marie and Cameron be BFF that Cameron once passed Eva Marie’s nude pics around the WWE’s backstage area, but yeah – Summer’s the problem.
So anyway, Summer’s back and she’s the “heel” of this series, so Nattie’s going to pout and start reminding the rest of the Divas that they should all hate her together. However, if they decided to make Summer the Dee Reynolds of the Divas, with everyone constantly making chicken jokes about her, I would love the WWE more than ever. In fact, this could be her new gimmick with Fandango…
As always, if you get that, we can be best friends.
WORST: Brie and Daniel’s Dress-Up Day
Sorry, I don’t know why I’ve never tried to rip off Brandon’s Best and Worst format before, but I just wanted to see how much fun it is. Anyway, Brie and Daniel, who knew they were going to a mock interview session for real world jobs, didn’t bring their résumés with them, but Daniel actually raised some pretty great points, in that he’s the WWE Champ, has 1.4 million Twitter followers and has made the “YES!” chant something that has crossed over into other pop culture genres. Basically, if Daniel wants to come be my intern, he’s hired. Brie, notasmuch.
Despite the fact that this was just a mock interview, there’s always something very depressing about seeing a celebrity or professional athlete have to make the transition to this normal life that the rest of us live in. While I didn’t enjoy watching this – mostly because I know how ludicrous the idea is that someone as beloved as Daniel Bryan wouldn’t be able to find a job – the whole interview segment actually tapped into that idea of “reality” that I’ve been complaining about throughout the first two seasons. If anything, I commend Total Divas‘ writers for actually giving us something that slightly resembled sincerity for once.
And, if anything, there’s always a sex tape.
Let’s Check in with Rosa
“Welcome to the show, Rosa. Please make sure that you’re here to remind everyone that you got fake breasts.”
Summer’s Back So Nattie is Being the Worst
Listen up all you up-and-coming WWE Divas – Nattie knows about Summer’s “game” that she’s playing, so you best recognize that if you become friends with Summer, she’s just going to turn on you, okay? I understand that everything about the WWE is soap opera drama nonsense, so obviously they need to fabricate a massive feud within Total Divas so they can really crank the drama up to 4 (on a scale of 1 to 1,000,000). But nothing about Nattie’s hatred for Summer feels natural. In fact, I still can’t tell if the point of this stupidity is to make us hate Summer or Nattie, because for me it’s the latter.
Summer’s certainly no angel, despite the fact that she should have taken lessons on flirting as to sell the whole trying to charm the married Superstars angle, but Nattie comes off as a bitter f*cking loser every time she opens her mouth. She should be the voice of reason on this series, the wise locker room veteran who breaks up the fights between the young Divas and helps set them on the right paths. Instead, she comes off as a jealous B-word, bordering on a C-word. And that’s not a good way for her to look when she’s already the most disposable Diva in the locker room.
Then again, if that’s the intention of this series, then good job by the writers for turning Nattie into the old lady who lives next door and gives out razor blades on Halloween.
IMPORTANT PROGRAMMING NOTE: I’m not even halfway through the show and I’ve written a novella. This episode is pretty special.
Eva Marie and Her “Head Piece” Bring God Into Our Homes
For as much crap as I give Jonathan for wearing hooded sweatshirts with nothing on underneath or having a nose ring in 2014 or simply looking Scott Stapp if the Creed singer had actually taken care of himself, I commend him for believing in honesty. Eva Marie wants to lie to her dad, who is battling prostate cancer, by telling him that Jonathan is considering converting to Catholicism for their “traditional” wedding, but Jonathan won’t lie. He wants to straight up tell Eva Marie’s dad that he won’t convert to make him happy, and good for Jonathan for being steadfast in his sleeveless beliefs.
Obviously, this doesn’t go well.
I guarantee that if we gathered the world’s religious leaders in one room and then had Eva Marie and Jonathan try to help them find a middle ground, they’d all realize that carrying on wars in the name of faith is stupid, because there are people out there who will just never get it. And on the way out, the Ayatollah would turn to the Pope and ask, “Am I crazy or does that dude look a lot like the guy from Creed?”
Here’s the thing, though – I’ve been to full-mass Catholic weddings before, and the bride or groom has been Jewish or atheist or a devout follower of Cthulhu, and no one has cared. If this “drama” with Jonathan and Eva Marie’s dad was real, Jonathan would just suck it up and let Barry have his way. Fortunately, Barry decided to be the bigger – and sometimes creepier – man and support Eva Marie with whatever she wants. It actually could have been a very sweet moment that finally helped push Eva Marie’s character in the right direction, had she not been wearing all of the tassels from my ceiling fans tied together.
Brie and Daniel Opening a Bed and Breakfast is an Awesomely Terrible Idea
On one hand, Daniel Bryan’s fame would make his B&B a must-visit location for hundreds of thousands of his devout fans. There would be weddings galore with couples exchanging championship belts instead of rings, as their friends and families chanted, “YES! YES! YES!” There’s a ton of money to be made on that idea alone. On the other hand, you’ll have people like Brandon squatting for the rest of eternity.
But the absolute worst idea in the world is Brie and Daniel borrowing $100,000 from Nikki and Cena, which means that they’d be borrowing $100,000 from Cena. Granted, that’s probably a drop in the bucket for Cena, but come on. I know, I’m buying into one of the dumbest and oldest tropes in TV – don’t borrow money from family, because awkwardness and fighting ensues – but they don’t even need to open a B&B because they’re going to be fine. Damn it, why did I let myself get roped into this?
Gee, How Did John Cena React to Being Asked to Loan His In-Laws $100,000?
“Just because I eat hamburgers doesn’t mean I’m going to open a food joint?” Good for Cena saying no to Nikki’s request. This whole situation is f*cking ridiculous. Nikki’s not even his wife and she’s co-signing loans to her sister for $100K? I’m pretty sure that’s a crime in some countries. And good for Daniel calling Brie on asking for a loan without even asking him. Some scandalous sh*t happening on Total Divas this week.
Nattie Basically Committed Assault on Summer Rae
Why on Earth do the writers of this show think we’re dumb enough to believe that Nattie and Summer would agree to drive anywhere together? This whole story is so f*cking stupid that I can’t even acknowledge it anymore. Who finds this sh*t even remotely interesting? Fans who seriously dig into the personal antics of Nattie and Summer Rae should be sterilized, and I write that as someone who should be sterilized for recapping this show on a weekly basis. Anyway, here’s what went down – Nattie brought up the slapping incident, because she’s a child, and Summer called her on her nonsense, so they argued like children, resulting in Nattie pulling the car over to physically assault Summer.
Of course, there are at least two cameras on them the whole time, so we watched Nattie attack Summer in the middle of a street, while Rosa delivered some of the worst fake crying I’ve ever seen. In the end, though, Nattie was the victim in her own terrible mind, and what really matters is that she has Rosa on her side, perhaps when the police come to investigate. Naturally, Rosa now hates Summer, too, because it’s convenient and just as f*cking awfully lazy as the rest of this horrible feud.
In conclusion, this episode might have been one of the busiest in recent memory, but it was still awful.
Post-Episode Total Divas Episode Power Rankings
1) Naomi – She wasn’t anywhere to be found, which is nonsense.
2) Summer Rae – Despite being forced into this terrible feud with Nattie, I refuse to be suckered in and hate her for it.
3) Cameron – We weren’t forced to hear her singing this week.
4) Eva Marie – WHAAAAAAAAAAT? Were the rest of the Divas so terrible this week that Eva Marie benefited this much? Yes. Absolutely.
5) Brie Bella – She’s not as bad as Nikki, but she’s still pretty bad.
6) Nikki Bella – Telling Brie that she needs work at marriage is HILARIOUS. Nikki, who is once-divorced and not currently married, should not be doling out marriage wisdom. It’s like the writers are openly calling us stupid.
7) Rosa – Why is she even on this show? She’s completely pointless.
8) Nattie – Gone is poor, poor Nattie and born is NATTIE IS THE WORST.
On Next Week’s Episode of Total Divas…
Please stop this. This is terrible. No one wants to see this. I am ill now.