‘Total Divas’ Episode Recap Pt. 1: Everyone’s Relationship Is Doomed

As usual, what fascinates me most about Total Divas is an insignificant detail that will probably pass us all like one of Nattie’s fake farts. How the hell did a guy as random and average as Cleveland Browns tight end Gary Barnidge end up on this show? Don’t get me wrong, Ol’ Gary seems like a pretty cool, normal guy. He plays movie trivia with his followers on Twitter and he does what he can to raise awareness for good causes, but he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would wind up on a reality series like this one, with Rosa “Have I Mentioned I Have Fake Breasts?” Mendes caught in a love triangle with Summer Rae.

It’s funny to me because Barnidge is currently teammates with Miles Austin, who famously went from star receiver to “that guy who had that awesome season for me in fantasy in 2009” after he dated Kim Kardashian. But if Kim is the ultimate peak of reality star relationships, Rosa is like the bargain bin. If Rosa was a Kardashian, she’d be Maude Kardashian, because they wouldn’t even let her have a K name. So what fascinates me most about this is how Barnidge even ended up on Total Divas. Did someone know his cousin? Was there a master list of athletes who were available to pretend to date a fourth tier Diva? Did he accept the terms of his iTunes download and immediately hear a sinister knock at his door? I really want to know how this happened.

Maybe they’ll explain it in the DVD commentary for this week’s first episode*, “Cross Country Catastrophe.” I assume that the catastrophe refers to a horrible highway accident caused by one of the Divas texting and driving without her seatbelt on.

*Two episodes again?!?! This is really testing my will to live.

Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Naomi – It feels like she hasn’t been on the show at all this season. This worries me because it either means she’s being phased out or we’re due for another “fight” between her and Jimmy Uso.
2) Summer Rae – If it wasn’t bad enough that Nattie got everyone to hate her because she’s jealous of the attention Summer receives, now she’s feuding with Rosa over a Cleveland Browns player who looks like the middle son from Step-By-Step all grown up.
3) Cameron – Her and Vinnie are somehow becoming cute and tolerable. It helps that everyone below this is awful.
4) Brie – She’s not as bad as the rest, but hearing her whine about her financial future is brutal.
5) Eva Marie – The dropoff between 4 and 5 is still ridiculous, so Eva Marie shouldn’t get her hopes up for a Top 4 spot. Short of a miraculous face turn that has her defending Summer Rae and whipping batteries at this show’s writers over their asinine plots and stories, she’s destined to live amongst the mung of this show’s awfulness.
6) Nikki Bella – It’s just amazing how vain and shallow one person will allow herself to be portrayed. Maybe we’ll look back on this one day when Nikki is 45 and making her 7th return to the WWE as The Cougar, because all of those USA show cameos have dried up.
7) Rosa Mendes – I like that Rosa has defenders from you wrasslin’ faithful, because I don’t want to believe that she’s this awful and narcissistic. But this love triangle story with “Any NFL player who will agree to our terms” is sad.
8) Nattie – Look kids, it’s a perpetual downward spiral over a clogged toilet!

First Thing’s First… Are You F*cking Kidding Me with This, WWE?

“Your honor, my client was simply sitting at an outdoor café, enjoying a quick meal while listening to Nikki and Brie Bella argue over their breast sizes, when he was struck by this woman’s car. I give you exhibit A – an image of Summer Rae checking her phone while driving with no seatbelt. Text records show that at the moment my client was run over, the defendant was texting, ‘LOL Gary, u looked gr8 on the sideline ;P’.”

Brie Retold the Story of Daniel Bryan and the Burglar and Nikki Ruined It

Remember that awesome news story about the idiot criminal of the year who tried to rob, of all the homes in the world, Daniel Bryan’s house? And he had the misfortune of being there when Daniel and Brie got home, and then everyone’s favorite wrestler choked him out while we laughed and chanted, “YES! YES! YES!”? Well, Brie told that story to open this week’s first episode, and the only new detail that she added was that she wanted Daniel to stop chasing the guy, not because he’s hurt and could have injured his neck further, but because she was stuck holding their dog. Great story.

But Nikki made that anecdote seem Pulitzer-worthy, because she had to point out that Brie’s wedding ring is the only thing of value that they own. Get it? Because they’re “poor” and she and John Cena are super wealthy. In fact, Daniel and Brie are so poor that they cannot afford new clothes for the Teen Choice Awards, at which every celebrity is judged on his or her appearance, and careers have been ruined over the types of t-shirts and jeans that have been worn. But I don’t care because JOSIE!!!!

Brie Just Needs to Spend Money, You Guys

This week is also the 50th birthday of the Bella Mom, who always reminds us that she reads books, because she is very smart, obviously. Thus, since the WWE is contractually obligated to show the Bellas in a nice restaurant at least once per episode, Nikki and Brie take Bella Mom and Bella Rob Kardashian to dinner, and Brie offers to pay. Haha, she’s poor, though, so Nikki won’t let her even chip in. Please remember that Brie Bella is very poor, everyone.

Keep in mind, the dinner happened in the first 10 minutes of this week’s episode, so Brie had already given Daniel crap because he wouldn’t let her spend hundreds on a new dress for the f*cking Teen Choice Awards and he likes to order books on Amazon. So the bill for dinner? $400. Needless to say, Daniel was not pleased. *whispers* Such drama.

Brie, naturally, went shopping for a new dress, because she was mad that Daniel has been tracking their finances and was questioning every purchase that she made, like $400 on dinner and $22 for coffee. The other Divas, especially Nikki and her wealth that John Cena earns for her, couldn’t believe that he’s monitoring their finances, and Brie felt violated about the whole thing.

Somehow, in the end, Daniel took fault for keeping track of the money that the woman who constantly worries about money spends. Whatever, every “problem” these two have is painfully superficial, somewhat insulting (how dumb do they think we are?) and ultimately pointless. Let’s worry about the real problems on this show, like Eva Marie not understanding how being an adult works.

Wait, What?

I’ve lived in Orlando for 17 years, and I have never known that it has a beach. I guess I should get out more.

Anyway, Let’s Check In with Eva Marie…

Ten bucks says that she calls that a “bandeezy” every time she puts it on.

Eva Marie and Jonathan are leaving Orlando and moving back to California, so they decided that the best way to do that would be a cross-country road trip with Cameron and Vincent. After all, as Cameron explained, her and Eva Marie are best friends, which totally makes sense, because it’s not like Cameron ever found an old nude photo of Eva Marie and showed it to everyone on the WWE roster, humiliating her in the process. That’s all Red Bull under the bridge, though, because they’re like sisters and should have no problem driving 3,000 miles together. Except, Eva Marie can’t maneuver a trailer to save her life, which leads to our first…

This is, for me obviously, the worst idea of all-time, in regard to anything.

Let’s Get Back to What Really Matters – Rosa Finding Love (and Sex)

Rosa is upset because Gary Burnbrigadoon hasn’t responded to her texts, which I imagine she sends at a frequency of EVERY F*CKIN SECOND, since she basically explained last week that she’s looking to meet a man and fall in love within a week. She has decided to keep seeing other men, so next up is Chad, a bro who met her at a – I can’t even believe this – trampoline place for a date. Chad’s a bro’s bro, broing it up in a tank top for a first date. He’s a “super adorable” model that Rosa “found on the Internet,” so what I’m trying to tell all you single guys out there is to be careful on Tindr. Rosa might find you and have you take her to a water park in a white t-shirt next.

What we learned about Rosa this week is that she recently found God. I don’t remember if she had already revealed that or not, because she was too busy trying to make out with Nattie while bending over and walking around naked in every other scene. Chad is a bro of God, too, and he “may or may not” be saving himself for marriage, which works for Rosa because she can’t lay with someone who doesn’t have God in him (or her, because you know). Of course, she told us that she can’t wait til marriage, because she’s “a very sexual person,” so… um… They say, “Just not lest ye be judged” or something like that, but come on. This is getting ridiculous.

Summer Rae Invited Gary to Raw Because She’s Smart

“If Rosa’s really my friend, she’ll be okay with it.” That’s how Summer justified the fact that she basically snaked Gary Burrowbadger from Rosa, who was clearly not pleased with this betrayal. BEST: Gary Boogerbrain trying to give Rosa a hug and her laying the sass down on everyone involved. WORST: Everything else about this. Rosa couldn’t believe that Summer would do this after she’s been defending her to everyone, which she really hasn’t, but bottom line – don’t judge Rosa. CHICKS BEFORE DICKS, YO.

Quote of the Episode

“That’s not part of your program.” – Summer Rae to a really pissed off Rosa, mocking her substance abuse recovery

You have to hand it to Summer. She’s not supposed to be the bad Diva, but she plays it very well. I can’t stand her because she allows them to inexplicably portray her as the heel with no real support, and now I can’t stand her because she’s fighting with Rosa over Gary Bleachbarf.

Next Up for Rosa is Nate

Meet Nate. He’s just a bro’s bro who wears a beanie in the summer IN TAMPA. He’s also f*cking enormous and looks like he could crush cars with his bare hands, so that beanie looks awesome, man. Rosa, of course, explained to him that she recently “made over” her life, but she’s also horny. Her words. To him. So she did the thing that any girl waiting to make sure a man falls in love with her does and felt his abs up before feeding him. Then he admitted that he doesn’t like aggressive women, and she was deflated again. Emotionally, not physically.

After “dating” Gary and Nate, in that she went out with each of them one time and then texted them relentlessly, Rosa took Nattie to a “lesbian bar.” Rosa met a woman on the Internet, so apparently she’s trying to date a woman now, since the guys she tried were awful or something, and she’s “so lonely” *fake tears, whiny voice*. That led to this pointless scene…

I’m sure plenty of guys out there loved that.

Jonathan Earned Some Major Cool Points This Week

Eva Marie made a comment that Jonathan has obsessive compulsive disorder because he made itineraries for the four people involved in their trip ACROSS THE F*CKING COUNTRY. God forbid he wants to get to California in a timely manner, what with them not even being completely packed. Eva Marie and Cameron ganged up on him and acted like Jonathan was the bad guy for making schedules that dictate when they stop for bathroom breaks, food, gas and everything else. For his efforts, Eva Marie gave him an “Are you for real?” while Cameron said, “Ew.” When Vincent finally arrived, he complained about it, too. Once they actually got on the road, Cameron started singing.

If I were him, I’d find a shirt with sleeves, leave them on the side of the road, and drive without them. After all, it’s not like they need to actually work at some point. Instead, they stopped to ride a tractor.

Sure enough, everything that could go wrong went wrong. For example, they didn’t even make it past Mobile, Alabama before they decided to get a room for the night – there was one room with one bed available in the whole city, and it was a historic house – which is f*cking INSANE because there are four adults who are legally allowed to drive in that automobile and Cameron ALREADY F*CKING SLEPT during part of the drive. I may not like Jonathan very much as a human being, but I understand his frustrations in this hellish mess. All the while, Cameron would not stop squeaking and squealing like a child.

By the time they magically reached Texas, Jonathan and Eva Marie were fighting and Vincent and Cameron were fighting. Eva Marie’s solution was to cut their losses and get plane tickets for everyone, which was AMAZING, but only because of Vincent’s realization that he just wasted so much time and was incredibly stressed out by his screeching girlfriend for no reason.

I’m really glad that I got to watch the poop as it fell out of a horse’s ass and onto my TV screen. This is the worst episode of anything I’ve ever seen.

Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Naomi – One scene, no words. Total BS.
2) Summer Rae – I loved that they made it so the crowd booed Summer just so we all know that she’s the heel on this show. She’s bad, I’m sold on it now, but she’s far from the worst.
3) Nattie – What a magnificent leap from the bottom. It’s easy to become a million times more likable when you’re hanging out with Rosa. Also, I loved how they kept teasing Nattie and Tyson Kidd having a huge fight and him leaving, and it never happened in this episode.
4) Brie Bella – I guess. She is getting worse and worse with each episode, not because she can’t understand why Daniel monitors her spending, but because the drama drama drama “I’m sorry” “It’s okay” routine each week is terrible.
5) Nikki Bella – When this show started, it was transparently about the Bella Twins trying to become stars outside the WWE and now she’s a prop when Cena isn’t around. That’s a positive statement.
6) Eva Marie – She wasn’t as terrible as she has been in the past, but when Jonathan looks like the most rational sleeveless person on the show, she’s being pretty bad.
7) Rosa Mendes – I’m sorry, I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt for the commenters who like her, but she presents herself in a way that leaves me with no sympathy for her.
8) Cameron – Stop talking like a toddler. It’s not cute. I can’t stand this woman.

Pt. 2 coming up…