‘Total Divas’ Episode Recap Pt. 1: Nattie Just Wants Some Rough Sex, Okay?

Two episodes this week? Are they f*cking serious with this nonsense? I had to watch an incredibly intense NLCS Game 2 that featured the ongoing saga that I like to call, “Trevor Rosenthal is getting so bad that he won’t even be able to close a door by the time this season is over,” and I was supposed to follow that up with not one, but two episodes of scripted sociopathic behavior? I don’t know what I’ve done to E! or the WWE to deserve this – other than make fun of just about everything they do on a regular basis – but here we are, standing on the edge of a 2-for-1 Total Divas episode recap.

However, I’m not going to punish you faithful readers and wrasslin’ fans with one giant recap of both episodes. That would be cruel, Nickelbackian torture. Instead, I’m going to simply write two episode recaps and post them individually, so you can take a break in between and shout your disbelief that people would agree to be portrayed like this at the heavens. First up, the sixth episode of Season 3, “Paint the Island Red,” which teases the demise of poor, awful Nattie’s marriage, the kayfabe* feud between the Bella Twins, and Eva Marie’s “bachelorette party” that should have taken place, you know, before she got married, and is actually just a recycled trope from Nattie’s bachelorette party.

Alas, we have a lot of ground to cover today, so let’s get on with the recap.

*I still don’t know if I’m using that word properly.

Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Naomi – She’s not around that much lately, but she’s still the best.
2) Summer Rae – She’s also barely around, because everyone “hates her,” but she’s great and the plot to make her awful is so dumb.
3) Cameron – She’s working hard at NXT, but she keeps bringing Vincent into our lives, which is mean.
4) Brie Bella – Someone has to be in this spot, I guess.
5) Nikki Bella – She’s been worse than ever this season, but she’s still not nearly the worst.
6) Eva Marie – Again, this is how bad this season has been. She’s the worst, but she’s not THE WORST.
7) Rosa Mendes – “Hey, let’s add a bisexual Diva who sucks at wrestling and only shows up to squeeze her tits together!” Let’s not.
8) Nattie – Poor, poor, awful Nattie.

This Week on Nikki and Brie Bella Argue at a Restaurant

We weren’t even a minute into this week’s episode when Nikki and Brie revealed their point of contention for the next hour. While Brie is married and focused on the stability of her financial future with Daniel Bryan, Nikki just wants to get loose and party, you guys. How cool and hip is Nikki Bella, y’all? When Brie asked her why she always wants to drink, Nikki said, “Because it’s five o’clock somewhere.” Nikki Bella is the modern country music of female wrestlers. She’s generic, boring and full of meaningless words, and in another year, she’ll be replaced by an even worse gimmick. The prophecy has already been foretold by the WWE’s embrace of Florida-Georgia Line.

As always, though, the real source of contention between these two is money. Brie and Daniel simply don’t have as much money as Nikki does, since she has firmly entrenched herself in the outer rings of John Cena’s wealth. Because she believes that she can get Cena to marry her, Nikki constantly makes fun of Brie for things like not having money or wearing costume jewelry. If this series ends with Cena hilariously dumping Nikki and leaving her on a curb with nothing but her sexy nurse outfit and realtor’s license, this will have all been worth it.

In the meantime, we know that this episode is going to be about the end of “Brie Mode,” which is just a dumb name for Brie’s tendencies to act stupid when she binge drinks, as if she’s any different than any other person at a college campus, but instead of diving right in, this show is now leading us on and filling time by creating fake moments for the Bella Twins to make fun of, like this guy who had food on his face.

“Excuse me, random man. We just filmed you eating food and would like to use your image on a TV show.”

“Oh cool, you mean you’ll show my name and all that?”

“No, we’re going to pretend like you never knew we were filming you, so two vapid women can make fun of you with the WWE’s biggest star.”

“Great, sign me up!”

Cameron is Already Back from NXT

Three weeks ago, Cameron was facing the possibility of losing everything she’d worked for in the WWE by having to go down to NXT and train to become a better Diva. Remember? That guy Merle or Magazine or Muppet was like, “You may never return to the WWE again” and she was all, “Oh noes, bomb dot com, girl bye for real?” Well, she’s back and her bomb dot com to screen time ratio is already off the charts. But that was a lot of fun we had, learning about what NXT is and who the young wrestlers are, as they work with the WWE’s developmental team. We saw so much of those people… wait for it, because this is going to be classic… NOT.

Her return did lead to my frontrunner for best moment of the season thus far, and that was Cameron showing off her bruise and Eva Marie’s hilarious reaction to what actual work looks like.

As far as Cameron’s “all new character” that she has been working so hard on, she’s a narcissistic girly girl. What a stretch. Cameron also whines that she hasn’t seen Vincent in forever, even though we just saw him last week, but they needed more screen time so they could do a chorus of “BABE! BABE! BABE! BABE! BABE! BABE!” because they’re awful.

Hey, Let’s Check in with Rosa’s Return to the Ring

Please stop it. This isn’t cute or sexy or whatever the WWE thinks it’s supposed to be.

Meanwhile, We Have a Summer Rae Sighting

Summer is also doing a pointless promotional shoot, and she busted out one of the worst quotes that this show has ever featured: “The higher the hair, the closer to Jesus.” Come on, Summer, I try so hard to defend you and then you ruin it all by saying stupid things.

So What’s the Deal with the Otherwise Pointless Divas this Week?

Remember how all of the Summer Rae hatred sort of blossomed because of Nattie but didn’t really take off until Eva Marie got mad that she refused to tag her into a match because Eva Marie can’t wrestle and is a liability to everyone in the ring? Well, Summer and Eva Marie are apparently besties now (even though she wasn’t invited to Curacao), and it’s Rosa who suddenly has the beef with Eva Marie. Seriously, someone please get me into the writers’ room so I can see what goes into this show. I just want to prove that Total Divas is actually written in the McMahon’s basement by the twin that Stephanie partially ate in utero.

Summer Rae and Rosa are not invited to Curacao, because nobody likes them and there’s already enough manufactured drama heading on that trip.

This is How I Feel Every Time Nattie Speaks

The point of the Divas’ trip to Curacao is actually to have a fun getaway with their men, and Nattie hopes that this will help Tyson Kidd and her get their groove back, because she has been really upset that he won’t body slam her on the bed and ravage her, which are her words and not mine. Remember, Nattie might not be very experienced, but she has a freaky side that she displayed when she and Tyson acted out a rape fantasy on this very series. It must have been great when kids asked their parents if they ever dress as burglars and act out violent sexual assaults.

Speaking of Tyson, this is his entire existence on this series summed up in one GIF…

It’s clear as day that Nattie and Tyson are going to contribute to ruining Eva Marie’s bachelorette party, because this show is as mysterious and thrilling as a Garfield comic strip.

We’re Finally in Curacao and Everything is Already Ruined

Jonathan, Vincent and Brie don’t have their luggage, because I imagine that an airline employee took one look at them and threw their bags into a wood chipper. Obviously, this isn’t the start to this dream vacation that anyone wanted, but what’s more fun is that they planned a trip to a tropical destination in the middle of hurricane season. Worst: Shane Helms is nowhere to be found. But none of this will stop Jonathan from coating the bathtub with a new layer of filth as he’s going to bone the woman he’s already married to on her coed bachelorette party. Haha, you hit that tub, bro!

Meanwhile, whoever was staying next door to Nattie and Tyson was having obnoxiously and conveniently loud sex right off the bat, and Tyson wanted to make fun of it. Nattie wanted to actually have sex and “compete” to see who can be louder, because she lives within an episode of Friends, and Tyson didn’t want to do that because he’s 100 percent right that it was a stupid idea.

Turns out it was Eva Marie being incredibly loud and fake during her lovemaking with Jonathan, which is the least shocking thing ever written for this show. Unfortunately, the next morning, Nattie didn’t have the heart to tell the other Divas that she and Tyson were faking, and the fact that Eva Marie thinks that Tyson actually sounds like a dying hamster for five seconds when he makes love to Nattie is really sad for Nattie and Tyson.

But let’s just save everyone time and do a quick rundown of the plotlines for each couple in Curacao:

Jonathan and Eva Marie – They’re fine. They had crazy loud sex A LOT, which caused Jonathan to say things like, “Did you guys hear me bring my A game?” Haha, brag about that O-face, BROSEPH!

Tyson and Nattie – Nattie has everyone thinking that they had crazy loud sex, but Tyson’s typically, hilariously dumb about it, while Nattie keeps reminding us that she wants to have really rough sex. Tyson took Nattie on a private excursion that turned out to be a visit to an ostrich farm, and Tyson is just the best.

Also, I don’t like real violence between people, but I hope Summer slaps the shit out of Nattie for this…

Anyway, Tyson’s effort to spend some time with Nattie only made Nattie even angrier, because NO ONE HAS BODY SLAMMED HER ON A BED! If the goal of this show is to encourage abstinence, it’s working. But the important takeaway from Eva Marie offering relationship advice to Nattie is when she asks, “Distant like literallydistant?” Yes, Nattie’s problem with Tyson is that he’s literally too far away from her for them to have sex.

Vincent and Cameron – Vincent also wants to have sex, but Cameron can’t because of her lady business. Vincent is mad because he’s ready to start a family, too, but he feels like an extra wheel. At one point, it felt like Nikki was coming on to Vincent and he actually came off as sweet and charming, and she was shrewd, vague and really annoying. The whole world is upside down.

Nikki and Brie Bella – Without their men there, Nikki just wants to get hammered all the time, but Brie doesn’t want to drink anymore. Seriously, every moment they were on screen, Nikki wanted to drink. Nikki equates sobriety with boredom, which is a really great quality for a 30+ woman who is supposedly eager to become a mom. When it was time to finally go out, Brie still had to borrow clothes from Nikki, so she wore the boobtastic dress that Nikki wore earlier, and Nikki went ahead and stuffed Brie’s bra while criticizing her small chest size, which is ironic because they have the same bodies. It’s just that one of them has big fake breasts. Can you guess which one?

Bottom Line – Brie Mode is Dead, RIP Brie Mode

Brie Mode, which is just a childish name for using binge drinking to justify drunken assholery (I’m not against that, mind you), is dead and Nikki’s awfulness is alive and well. Long live fake, emotionless, narcissistic sociopaths.

Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Naomi – How did she and Jimmy Uso get screwed out of a vacation with the rest of the couples?
2) Summer Rae – She has done so little to deserve the picture that has been painted of her, and she had her appearance made fun of for no reason.
3) Brie Bella – I like to think that her annoyance with Nikki this week was real and that she wasn’t just doing it for the show and building legitimacy for a feud with her sister. You know, instead of them both being whiny brats.
4) Eva Marie – Kudos to the writers for proving me wrong that they couldn’t make any of the Divas seem worse than Eva Marie. However, it’s hilarious watching Eva Marie try to act serious when she offers relationship advice.
5) Cameron – She was so whiny and squeaky this episode. Just awful.
6) Rosa Mendes – She was barely on this episode, but she still managed to be pointless.
7) Nikki Bella – She claimed at the end that she didn’t ever force Brie to drink, which is hilarious, because I have eyes and ears and I just watched her try to force her sister to drink for the last 40 minutes. But of course they wrapped everything up in the end.
8) Nattie – I hope Tyson leaves her, because I can’t stand her whiny crap anymore.

Stay tuned for Part 2…