‘Total Divas’ Episode Recap: Rosa And Paige Sitting In A Tree, F-I-G-H-T-I-N-G

The thing that drives me the craziest about Total Divas is how far removed from the actual WWE timeline it is. Well, to be more accurate, the thing that drives me the craziest right now is how the locations and events are months behind today’s WWE storylines. Nattie’s about to start talking and that will immediately trump anything that I thought was driving me crazy, so all this talk about me losing my mind is simply temporary and constantly changing. Obviously, I don’t expect this week’s Total Divas to be in sync with the rest of the company, because then it would be an hour of watching the Bellas prepare to fight Nattie and Paige, and while that would be the best possible use of this series, it’s simply impossible.

However, one of this week’s main storylines is the time that Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan came home to find some guys robbing them, and Bryan immediately went into professional ass-kicker mode and subdued one idiot until police got him. We’re usually not supposed to call criminals “idiots,” but if you walk into a house and start taking things, and then see a picture of Daniel Bryan in a reclaimed wood frame on one of the many repurposed items in the house, run bro. Or else you’re an idiot. Anyway, that happened last July and it’s a topic of last night’s episode, “Insecurity Breach.” But at least the WWE has no problem allowing the series to influence current feuds. We don’t have to like it, and we also don’t have to make sense of it.

Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Paige – She’s just fun, even by lousier reality TV series standards. If the series catered less to those standards and more to building up the Divas division by telling us, “These wrestlers don’t give a f*ck,” the world might be a better place.
2) Brie Bella – She’s sort of the constant. Not awful, but not the greatest.
3) Alicia Fox – If I ran this series and/or the Divas division, Foxy’s role would have been to come on the show as the 9-year veteran looking to put her foot down, take charge of the younger wrestlers and take what is hers. I definitely would not introduce her to the series for no reason other than to expose Rosa’s breast.
4) Nikki Bella – She’s a terribly arrogant creature with no grey area. Somehow that doesn’t make her the worst.
5) Cameron – Cameron’s role should be the Diva trying to create a new angle for herself, while training to be better in the ring. Right now, she and Foxy are sharing the duties of “sassy black friend.”
6) Rosa Mendes – Just thinking about what we’ve seen from her this season makes me…

7) Eva Marie – Somehow her role on this series became the Diva with all the health problems. It’s definitely better than when she tried to sleep with Fandango to get ahead, all while she was engaged, or her hating Summer Rae for not tagging her into a match, even though her poor training made her a detriment to her colleagues. But we also won’t forget those things.
8) Nattie – She’s traded hard work and a family legacy for being the bitter drama queen. I’d respect that if she was ever right in any scenario.

Heading into the sunset: Summer Rae and Naomi, or the background one-liners, as I call them now.

This Week in ‘We Have Nothing to Write About, so…’

As always, the Divas started their day by eating together at a restaurant in whichever town they’re in at that moment, and Nattie suddenly wondered for no reason other than it gets the episode’s worst segue out of the way, “Whatever happened to those guys who robbed you, Brie?” Again, this happened last July and as Brie quickly explains, the idiot that Daniel Bryan caught is in jail and his accomplices are “trying to get parole.” I assume that means they’re in jail, too, or they’re making their last stand in a desert ranch with the cops surrounding them, and Ted Nugent’s about to walk out the front door in a zebra-skin overcoat and blast the man down with some righteous shredding.