‘Total Divas’ Episode Recap: Sometimes The Toilet Just Won’t Ever Flush

Senior Writer
09.29.14 56 Comments

Vince McMahon has some nerve. Obviously, when it comes to the WWE, nobody’s opinion is more valuable than that of the man who calls the shots, so if the CEO is telling people behind the curtain that he doesn’t want anyone on Total Divas to have anything to do with the Divas Championship, it’s certainly newsworthy. However, if Vince really does “hate” Total Divas, then he’s going to need to wait in line behind yours truly, because I’ve paid my dues watching this terrible series thus far, and we’re really reaching a boiling point in terms of just how awful Total Divas intends to be.

Then again, I really don’t buy in to the idea that Vince actually dislikes Total Divas, because he could always put his foot down and tell the people who are using this series to destroy the legitimacy of the Divas Division to, you know, stop. This show doesn’t have to be a fiery dumpster that trivializes the efforts of eight women becoming stars in the WWE, but the writers continue to take us in directions that defy logic, while the Divas simply allow themselves to be portrayed as terrible human beings in exchange for a little extra face time.

But for the sake of playing devil’s advocate, there’s also the possibility that Nattie really is eroding into a miserable blob of fingernails and hate right before our very eyes. I guess it’s a coin flip.

Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Naomi – She hasn’t been on the show much through the first three episodes, but that’s usually a good thing.
2) Summer Rae – She’s back from filming The Marine 13: Jager Bombs Over Baghdad, and her peers still hate her. I’m never buying into it.
3) Brie Bella – The worst thing that could happen to this show is shoe-horning manufactured drama between her and Daniel, and yet they told us what to expect this week.
4) Cameron – She also has had little face time. I’m growing concerned that she could go the way of the JoJo.
5) Nikki Bella – This generous ranking is brought to you by the Letter F, as in F the rest of these people.
6) Rosa Mendes – Instead of a story about coming back and earning a place on the show, Rosa’s here to remind us that she has fake breasts. Wow, groundbreaking.
7) Eva Marie – Amazingly, she may have escaped the dungeon for a long time thanks to the new worst person on TV…
8) Nattie – I’d love to know if she had creative input for this downward spiral of stupidity, because if she did, she should fire herself.

The WWE Actively Encourages Sexual Harassment in the Workplace

On a show that is already so bad, this was one of the worst scenes I’ve ever watched.

Whether or not Vince McMahon wants the Divas Champion on Total Divas is a moot point, because this week’s episode, “Unchained,” started out with a visit from Paige. Was she there to establish a feud with one of the hard-working Divas? Did she stop by to offer some insight into how hard these athlete-entertainers work in establishing their credibility? Nah, she patted Rosa’s fake breasts and had to tell Rosa that she’d dress in a non-PG outfit so long as Rosa doesn’t come on to her. Just when I thought that Rosa couldn’t be any more pointless to the show, she and the writers outdid themselves by openly showcasing her behind-the-scenes sexual harassment of a coworker. It’s totally cute and harmless when Paige has to tell Rosa, “You’re making me nervous.”

Rosa Wants to Do for Nattie What TJ Won’t

TJ is far and away this show’s worst actor. He’s like a cardboard cutout that occasionally mumbles syllables, and fortunately that makes it very easy for Nattie (and us) to get mad at him. In this case, we’re all upset with him because he forgot Nattie’s birthday and then made up for it by getting her some vibrating fitness machine as a present. Of course, like everything else on this show, it didn’t make sense, because if TJ forgot Nattie’s birthday, that means that her family forgot it as well, because they were all in on the present. Whatever, none of that matters.

What matters is that Nattie stormed out on her husband and got a hotel room for the night, so she called Rosa to come visit her, and Rosa wants nothing more than to make Nattie feel good about herself. Nothing about this is appealing at all, but the only way that we’re going to get all of the Divas together on this episode is by throwing a belated birthday party for Nattie. Long story short, ever since Rosa joined the show, the breast touching has gone up 400%, and somehow watching Rosa’s pursuit of Nattie makes it all seem like low-grade online Yugoslavian porn.

Interesting Side Note of the Week

Remember how this show tried to make us believe that all of the Divas hate Summer Rae because she gossips about them and their relationships? Nattie’s BFF Rosa straight up told Summer and Eva Marie that TJ is neglecting Nattie. Rosa is a million times worse than Summer, and I am completely confident that this is going to end with a hilariously bad Single White Female parody, but nobody will hate Rosa for it.

(Also, if you skipped the above clip, at least press play and fast forward to the end, so you can witness what the WWE finally decided is the best role for Eva Marie.)

Reaction GIF of the Episode

I want a camera on Summer every time that Nattie loses a match, which should realistically be every time she wrestles.

Question of the Episode

“Do I look hot like this?” No. F*cking stop it, you worthless cartoon character.

This Show is Even Faking Pointless Bowling Scenes Now

The reason that I always appreciate Naomi the most is because she’s married to Jimmy Uso (Jonathan Fatu) and when they’re sharing the screen, if only for a moment sometimes, they’re just so much fun to watch. Unfortunately, I cannot accept them stepping into a WORLD OF LIES. Last season, Naomi underwent a quick procedure to have a birth control device implanted into her skin, and naturally she fell within the 1% chance of something going wrong with it. So to give us a convenient setup for her new health issues that she obviously has to explain to her husband, Total Divas sent Naomi and Jimmy bowling. Awesome, I love bowling. I just can’t stand LIARS.

Naomi got herself overly worked up over her “strike” that she bowled, and that allowed her to explain to us and eventually her man that she’s not feeling well, and it’s because of the implant. Except she didn’t bowl a strike. We only get to see it for a split second, but it’s clear that she left the 3 and 9 pins standing. Maybe that 9 went down after the camera pulled away, but her positive reaction was so quick and there’s simply no way that the 3 went down, too. Damn it, Naomi, don’t let them drag you into the vortex of lies.

Bottom line – Jimmy is missing his cookie and his “hmm hmm in the hey hey” so Naomi’s going back to the doctor for him. Not because she’s constantly bleeding from the failure of this implant, but because her husband needs to get laid. It’s too early in the episode for my brain to be hurting this much.

Nikki Bella and her Breasts Want People to Think of the Wine

The understated genius of this series exists in the little things, specifically how stupid Nikki pretends to be when it comes to things around her (and I say “pretends” with a foolish hope that she’s not actually this stupid). For example, she was unaware that there is a very serious drought going on in California (remember, the difference in time between each episode in reality is about 2-3 months), and it took a sign on the highway to bring this to her attention. So is she worried about people having access to clean water? No, her fear is that the price of wine might increase.

But this is more than just the story of a whiny idiot. Basically, the show is already setting up the on-screen feud of the Bellas by ramping up their “real life” feud over the fact that Nikki is working and making that money (while co-existing on John Cena’s immense income) and both Brie and Daniel Bryan are out of work while he recovers from his neck surgery. Nikki wouldn’t be the cruel, heartless and brainless A-hole that she is if she wasn’t constantly throwing her lack of problems in Brie’s face, so not only did we get to see them arguing in a restaurant, but also in the car. These girls can do it everywhere, folks!

Meanwhile, Brie Doesn’t Have Time to Buy a Washer and Dryer

Again, I have zero interest in watching Brie and Daniel Bryan fight. This show is already full of enough pointless relationship drama between these women and their men, so it’s stupid to keep pretending like Brie and Daniel argue over meaningless crap like which washer and dryer she wants. “Oh but I did a lot of research on the washer and dryer that I want,” Brie said as she stomped her feet and pouted. Shut the f*ck up already. You can’t cry one minute over not working or having no money and then complain the next minute when your husband that everyone loves wants to save some cash at the discount appliance store. Nice try, Total Divas, but no one is taking Brie’s back in stupid arguments, and you’re only pushing one more character to the brink of shitty heel status.

Maybe that’s the point, though. Maybe we’re simply supposed to hate all of these women, and that’s how the WWE can eventually fire them all.

INTERVENTION! INTERVENTION! WOOOOOP! WOOOOOP!

Well, that went well. First thing’s first – Nikki and Daniel were right, Brie was totally wrong. She deserves to vent, but she’s being a total B-word. Fortunately, every problem on this show is a light switch away from being solved, so Brie was all, “Whoops, my bad, all is forgiven!” Hooray for pointless, time-filling plot devices.

So About that Big, Wet Kiss Between Rosa and Nattie

Let’s go ahead and check the reactions from the other people at Nattie’s night out. Yeah, I agree. And still, they sent Nattie and Naomi into the bathroom, where Naomi, who saw this go down and had the reaction above, told her that she’s crazy and overreacting. This show is frustrating if anything.

Stripper Poles are Not the Solution to Our Problems

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the worst thing that this show can do is fake more idiotic drama between Naomi and Jimmy Uso. They tried it with her dad, and Jimmy’s storming out reaction was hilariously dumb, and yet they went ahead and recycled the story again by having him freak out over the stripper pole.

Stop trying to make it seem like this lovable dude would ever harm his wife. Not everyone on this show needs to be horrible, but every series needs a norm. Just let this couple be the norm for Total Divas. Please.

So How Do We Put an End to this Rosa Problem?

LOL! Nothing solves sexual harassment and personal violations like a nice slap on the ass. As for TJ, Nattie’s far less willing to forgive and forget the exercise machine he bought her.

Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Cameron – She was on the episode for all of 10 seconds, but she managed to make the most sensible decision (she’s going to NXT) and she didn’t sing or say anything stupid.
2) Naomi – She’s docked points for allowing the writers to make her cheat at bowling.
3) Summer Rae – If Rosa doesn’t end up overtaking Summer as the show’s villain, I’ll be outraged. And I say that as someone who is constantly outraged about stupid things.
4) Eva Marie – If this Rosa nonsense is all an elaborate plot to make Eva Marie seem more likable, it’s working incredibly well.
5) Nikki Bella – For once she was the voice of reason instead of the armpit fart of futility.
6) Brie Bella – She was downright awful this week. Awful.
7) Rosa Mendes – She’s totally pointless, both to Total Divas and the WWE. If Susan B. Anthony were alive, she’d suplex Rosa through a cage.
8) Nattie – Somehow she has emerged as the centerpiece of this season, and it’s simply terrible. It’s a true low point for E! programming, and this is a network that follows this series with Rich Kids of Beverly Hills.

On Next Week’s Total Divas

Worst: Jonathan gets a gun for home protection, despite THE GUNS COMING OUT OF HIS TANK TOP, BRO. Best: Cameron and her family hold a Scared Straight intervention for her younger brother. I’m overly excited about the potential for that.

Around The Web