‘Total Divas’ Episode Recap: Stop Messing With Daniel Bryan’s Beard, Brie

We’re through the looking glass, wrestling and scripted reality TV fans. Only two episodes of E!’s Total Divas remain in this second season that has seen rivalries born, alliances formed and more plots recycled and vomited into our baby bird mouths than I can remember. But while the first season’s finale left us hanging and wondering if Nikki Bella could ever forgive John Cena for being a guy who has opinions and feelings that don’t match her own, this season’s finale has been broken into two episodes because f*ck me, that’s why.

As we left Nikki last week, she had informed her entire family of her secret marriage from when she was much younger and less buoyant, and her tank-topped brother handled the foreshadowing duties by telling us that Cena wouldn’t like this news. And then the episode preview just went ahead and told us that Nikki’s brother is the one who would break the news to Cena, because this show is written and edited by people who wouldn’t know the element of surprise if it pooped an Emmy onto their chests.

Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Naomi – The only Diva who rarely lets me down should close this season out strong.
2) Brie Bella – She’s about to make an honest man of Daniel Bryan, and I feel like that practically makes her the sister of the YES! Nation.
3) Summer Rae – She’s sliding from my favor because what this terrible show is doing to her, in making her the inexplicable villain, is actually working. MUST. FIGHT. IT.
4) Nattie – Poor Nattie, never gonna make it past No. 3.
5) Nikki Bella – She’s losing points based on the idea of how much I’m about to hate this new Cena cliffhanger.
6) Cameron – I wouldn’t mind it if after this season, she went Boy-Bye from the show.
7) Eva Marie – Still the worst, even when they’re trying to make us believe that the other Divas suddenly like her.

Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan Aren’t Even Married and She is Trying to Change Him

To Brie’s credit, she recognized the importance of Daniel Bryan’s beard. He has the perfect lumberjack beard and it’s part of who he is. It’s one of the many reasons that we like him so much, of course not as important as, say, the fact that he’s charismatic and very good at what he does. So when she tried to get him to tame the beast, I don’t think I’m jumping to a huge conclusion in assuming that we were just as upset as he was. “Why can’t I just be me,” he asked, as if he was unaware that the universal answer to that question is “Because your soul is about to die.” But then his dog started licking his nose and it immediately became one of the best moments of TV this year.

The WWE is Just F*cking with Me Now

Longtime readers of my weekly suffering know that I can’t stand when the Divas or anyone in general are shown texting or talking on their phones while they’re driving. It just drives me nuts, because I know people who have been hurt like that, and it’s one of the most avoidable mistakes that anyone can make. So what happened this week? Oh nothing, just Nikki called Nattie while in the car to establish the Wrestlemania plot – seriously, the phone call was so pointless – and then they showed her crossing lanes with no blinker on. I couldn’t tell, but I assume there was a cyclist and a baby in a stroller wedged in her car’s grill, too.

Anyway, Nikki has Something to Tell Cena

The reason that this episode is going to be split into two parts is because it’s going to take Nikki forever to find the right time and place to tell Cena something so seemingly inconsequential that is going to be made into such a big deal for the sake of drama. Then again, maybe I’m not reading this situation correctly, so forgive me while I draw this out a little for the sake of my own clarity:

  1. Nikki Bella wants to marry Cena.
  2. Cena does not want to get married again because his first marriage scarred him.
  3. Nikki made a mistake and got married when she was younger, like 10 years ago.
  4. Nikki’s afraid to tell Cena, then, because he will dump her because she made a mistake 10 years ago.

Is that how love works? I guess I’m a little rusty. The good news is that Nikki decided not to steal Brie’s thunder by telling Cena about this ridiculously stupid thing that happened so long ago before her wedding, so that means that she’ll have to hide it from him for another month. Obviously, he won’t find out before then, except when Nikki’s brother tells him, because we already watched it happen. But it’s not like the Bella Twins would intentionally let the WWE add drama into a wedding for the sake of their careers. That would just be ridiculous!

But There’s No Time to Bicker About a Wedding or Feelings in New Orleans

There are asses to be shaken in the name of the Bella Twins’ brand. However, I will gladly take a full hour of the Bella Twins acting like they’re the hottest women on the planet in lieu of the 10 minutes of them bickering about a f*cking street clown and everyone’s purpose in life. I’d really love to know if the Bella Twins think they come off smart when these conversations and arguments of theirs finally air. Because if they don’t, my followup question would be: THEN WHAT IS THE POINT OTHER THAN TO MAKE ME LOATHE YOU BOTH?????

Naomi is Back and Better than Ever… for Nothing

After all of the drama surrounding Naomi’s eye injury and her time off, how much of her rehab and personal struggle did we see? Maybe a minute or two in the last episode and none in this one. Why? Because they just moved her whole story forward one month in a matter of one week. That’s really interesting to me, because it makes me wonder how they can try to tell me that we’re just days removed from Nikki’s family demanding that she tell Cena her stupid secret, while one woman’s life has moved forward 30 whole days. I might be the only person in this galaxy paying this much attention to details, but I’m a man who believes in average writing.

Anyway, Naomi wants to get back on the road to the Divas Championship, which apparently starts with her starring alongside Stephanie McMahon in a fitness video. I love when they have Steph stop by and the girls act like kissing her ass will get them to the top, and she rebuffs them every time. That’s actually good TV.

Quick Thought: Who’s the One Diva that I Wouldn’t Expect to be Invited to Brie’s Wedding?

Hmmm, probably JoJo? Haha, just kidding, she apparently never existed. The very obvious answer to that question is Summer Rae, because she’s a slutty slut slut, according to the other Divas and not me, and she does nothing but bad mouth all of them. Regardless, why would she be invited to the wedding after they made it clear she wasn’t invited to the bachelorette party? Better yet, why did we need to see them actually talk about this for five minutes? Ah yes, because this has to be a two-part finale.

Oh, By the Way, Some Wrestling Stuff Happened

I suppose I should be thankful that Vickie Guerrero doesn’t appear on Total Divas that much, because that loud voice makes my brain bleed. This time, she showed up to announce that basically all of the women on Total Divas would be competing against AJ Lee at Wrestlemania in the Diva Invitational, and that was a hearty slap in the face to Naomi for all of her hopes and dreams. At this point, I was hoping that they’d just strip AJ and give the title to Summer Rae so she could wear the belt while filming The Marine 12: Semper Fine Ass Boo, starring the Miz and Coolio.

Quote of the Episode

“It’s wedding porn.” – Daniel Bryan referring to Pinterest

A lot of wedding stuff happened in this episode and none of it was even remotely interesting. It was cute watching the dog run after an emu, but I don’t care about how much of Daniel’s money Brie wants to waste on her dream wedding.

So Much has Changed for Eva Marie, You Guys

When Eva Marie arrived in New Orleans for WrestleMania, she couldn’t help but reflect on what an amazing year it had been for her. And boy, look at everything that changed – she started out as a girl with absolutely no wrestling or mic skills, and she has developed into the top star in the Divas division, in terms of women that still have no talent or mic skills. Yes sir, Eva Marie is on her way to being the best in the business, and that’s why everyone hates Summer Rae, for pointing out that Eva Marie is still a terrible wrestler and a liability in the ring.

But at least Nattie was there for Eva Marie to help her out and give her some encouraging words of wisdom while they stood next to a screeching siren.

Hey, Remember How Nikki Couldn’t Tell Cena About Her Marriage?

Yeah, she went ahead and lied to her entire family about it, including Brie, so they think he’s totally cool with it. So…

On the Next Part of the Finale of the Second Season of Total Divas

Nikki’s brother tells Cena that she’s already been married. Remember when they already spoiled that last week? Yeah, even the episode previews are recycled and unoriginal.

Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Naomi – I felt kind of bad for her that she didn’t get her solo shot at the Divas Championship, but I have to admit that in the present time, Paige is my girl. I feel terrible.
2) Nattie – That advice she gave Eva Marie was hilarious.
3) Um… Cameron? Honestly, I don’t know, because…
7) Brie Bella – At first I was like, why are they calling her a Bridezilla? But you know what? Quit messing with the dude’s beard.
7) Nikki Bella – JUST F*CKING TELL CENA.
7) Summer Rae – That’s it, I’ve been sucked in to the hate trap. Mainly because she acted like it was an honor to star in The Marine 24: Making Out in the Milky Way, an Erotic Space Adventure.
7) Eva Marie – The whole “I skipped my developmental process because people think I’m hot!” thing is over, WWE. Just stop it already. Please.