‘Total Divas’ Episode Recap: The One With All The Vagina Metaphors

We had already watched Jimmy Uso shout, “Has anybody seen Nattie’s p*ssy?” in the preview for this week’s episode, so we thought that we were in store for yet another wild ride regarding poor, poor Nattie’s boring sex life this week. Instead, we got another thorough investigation into the many ways in which people take advantage of Nattie’s kindness and ultimately how everyone in her life helps break her down to the point that we kind of feel bad for her, but we also kind of don’t. After all, Nattie brings a lot of this on herself, and it all boils down to the people she trusts with the things that she holds most important.

On this week’s episode of Total Divas, Nattie faced problems with both her joint finances with her husband, Tyson Kidd, and the idea that she can trust Cameron and Vincent to watch her home. How do both of these things turn out? The same way that almost everything turns out – with us laughing at Nattie.

Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Naomi – She’s the best, especially coming off what I am calling the TV Wedding of the Year.
2) Summer Rae – She got a much-needed episode off last week, presumably so the writers can decide how they’re going to make her look terrible this week.
3) Brie Bella – Still the normal and compassionate counterpart to Nikki.
4) Cameron – She’s been very easygoing and enjoyable through the first five episodes of Season 2.
5) Nikki Bella – She’ll never change, nor do I think she wants to.
6) Nattie – Slowly sinking to the point that she could rival Eva Marie for the worst person on this godforsaken show.
7) Eva Marie – Still the worst, even when the writers decide they suddenly want us to like her.

All that Good Work Down the Drain, Cameron

Of all the secondary and tertiary characters that we’ve met on Total Divas each week, my favorite has always been Sandra, the wise, no-nonsense seamstress who has to put up with a lot of crap from the Divas. So as much as I’ve been patting Cameron on the back for not bringing Vincent back into our lives or spewing her idiotic catchphrases like “Bomb dot com” and “Chingle chingle” this season, that all died in the opening minute of this week’s episode. Granted, any appearance by Alicia Fox is a good thing, but getting Sandra to “baby twerk” was a heartbreaking moment of television. First, she twerks, then she records her own awful music video. Cameron is the gateway drug to being a cliché.

Quote of the Episode

“Wait, isn’t this a men’s magazine?” – Summer Rae on Nattie’s spread in Flex Magazine


“Girl, I don’t twerk unless it’s for my man or if I’m getting a check.” – Naomi, in response to all that “Baby Twerk” nonsense

Poor Nattie and Her Unoriginal Problems

Last week, I complained that Total Divas is already recycling material from the first season, as Summer Rae is now playing the role of the temptress who will do whatever it takes to succeed, and Rikishi made an appearance as yet another parent who briefly had to consider whether or not one of the Divas should get married. But now, instead of further exploring the terrible feud between Nattie and Summer, or even remotely addressing what happened to that nose surgery that Nattie absolutely needed, we’ve gone from revisiting Tyson Kidd’s poor sex drive to digging up Nattie’s problem with his family all over again.

Nattie was incredibly proud to have an 11-page spread in an issue of Flex Magazine, which led to Summer’s hilarious comment, and so she and Tyson had to fly to New York City so she could sign copies for her fans. This should have been some quiet, romantic time for the married couple, but Tyson instead invited his sister to tag along, as I assume that he’s all drained from playing the burglary/forced sex role playing game with Nattie the week before. What can I say? I’m still creeped out by that.

In poor, poor, poor Nattie’s defense, Tyson’s sister is absolutely awful. But I guess that’s not saying much about a woman on this show. It turns out that Valerie depends on Tyson for money, which is fine because she’s family and all, but he doesn’t tell Nattie about anything, including the $5,000 that he gave her to buy an inflatable bouncy castle. Now in Valerie’s defense, inflatable bouncy castles are f*cking awesome. So I’m going to call this one a big, dumb draw.

Let’s Talk About This Week’s Strange-but-Very Sweet Scene

While Nattie was at her Flex Magazine signing by herself, because she walked out on Tyson after his sister bragged about the $5,000 bounce house she just bought, a young male wrestling fan thanked Nattie for getting him into wrestling and told her, “I don’t know what I would do without you.” To each his own, and I’m always glad that we have role models out there inspiring people, but her? Really? Aim higher, kid.

Let’s Talk About the Worst Scene in the History of TV

If you don’t actually watch Total Divas, and you save yourself the trouble by just reading my recaps, because the descriptions of my pain and anger of the dumber moments of this show amuse you, then you’re not really going to feel the entire sense of rage that I want to convey here. When Vincent picked Cameron up from the airport in Tampa, she gave us the worst, most obnoxious 30 seconds of television I’ve ever seen. Imagine the “most annoying sound in the world” scene from Dumb and Dumber, but coming from someone who isn’t funny or even remotely aware of how irritating she is. Cameron actually caused Vincent to bang his head against the steering wheel, between her inexplicable screeching and horribly annoying Valley Girl routine. At this scene, barely a quarter of the way through the episode, I thought about deleting it and calling it quits. Cameron is not even remotely interesting enough as a person or WWE Diva to put up with this bullshit any longer.

While Nattie’s Away, Cameron and Vincent Will Have a Party at Her House

Normally, Nattie’s mom watches her cats while she’s out of town, but for some reason she couldn’t this time. Cameron and Vincent instead volunteered to stay at her house and watch them, but in between her screeching and shouting, Cameron said that she just wants to drink all of Nattie’s booze and eat all of her food. At this point, I want the WWE to fire this girl immediately. She is worse than Eva Marie now.

But it doesn’t stop there. As soon as Cameron got to Nattie’s home, she went through all of her personal stuff, including financial information, and then tried on her clothes and made fun of her. I never thought that someone making fun of Nattie would be unfunny, but Cameron managed to achieve it. Anyway, a funny thing happened on the way to the simple housesitting job that Cameron was supposed to do for her friend. Despite the fact that there are hundreds of bars in Tampa that Cameron could go have a ton of fun at without putting either of Nattie’s cats in jeopardy, she decided to throw a house party instead.

There’s a certain area of hell that is reserved for people who volunteer to housesit for friends and then throw parties in their homes, and Cameron just made reservations. It’s not just because there were people she didn’t even know walking in, but mainly because someone let one of the cats escape. Sure, I laughed when Jimmy Uso made the Nattie’s p*ssy joke, but I would be standing in front of a judge, explaining why I chose to give someone the Vinnie Jones Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels car door experience if he was in charge of watching my dog and she got away.

Meanwhile, Old White Lady who lives next door to Nattie came to figure out why there were four people screaming in Nattie’s driveway, and she called and left Nattie a voicemail to let her know what’s up, so she didn’t have to wait to watch it all when the episodes finally aired. What makes it all worse isn’t that Cameron lied about how many cars were there or not having anyone over, but that the writers didn’t give us the classic scene where she tries to trick Nattie with a cat that looks kind of like her cat. If you’re going to write really terrible, unoriginal TV episodes, go the damn distance.

It turned out that the cat was under the car the whole time, and Vincent “even petted it,” which is why Nattie and Tyson shouldn’t have been concerned. With that out of the way, Nattie and Tyson could finally have it out about their money issues, and the moral of that story was that two wrongs don’t make a right. Also, the other moral was that these two are terrible with their money.

The Bella Twins Went Shopping and Made Melon Jokes

It appears that the Bella Twins feud that I’ve been asking for may finally be coming, and the cause of such an incredible and unbelievable turn of events will be… chicken. Specifically, how the chicken that we buy in grocery stores is prepared and packaged. Nikki wants to eat chicken, but Brie won’t let her eat the kind that was produced as the result of inhumane conditions and essentially “torture.” This could have been a very interesting examination of the beliefs of two people regarding animal rights and the practices of American meat producers, had their argument not taking place while one girl’s ass was showing and the other was dressed like Sue Ellen Mischke.

Eventually, after Cameron made my life a living hell for half the episode, we caught up with the Bella Twins on the set of a music video shoot for Trey Songz. I’m told that he’s popular or something. What did Nikki have for lunch that day, no one asked? Well, she enjoyed some kind of salad with chopped chicken on it. Naturally, now that Brie is a leading expert on the humane treatment of animals, she wanted to make sure to remind Nikki and all of us again that we should only eat chicken that is killed the “right way.” What’s the right way? I don’t know, I went to marinate a few chicken breasts while this part of the episode was playing.

This was basically a battle of Brie’s heart for the sad little chickens and Nikki’s hunger for the sad little chickens. To make up for “traumatizing” poor Nikki, who can’t eat anything now, because when she closes her eyes, she can only hear the screams of the animals*, Brie took her to a free-range chicken farm, where the chickens are pampered and spoiled. You know, before they’re killed and smothered in delicious chipotle honey marinade. Watching Nikki realize that we should only eat free-range animals was very special and heartwarming. I hope it inspired many people to make better, healthier decisions while shopping at grocery stores in sports bras underneath blazers.

*I would LOVE to watch a movie entitled The Silence of the Pigs, starring Nikki Bella.

Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Summer Rae – She was barely on this episode, which is starting to piss me off, but she was responsible for the best line, and it was a shot at Nattie, so it’s a win-win.
2) Eva Marie – WHAT??? HOW??? Because she barely had a line and I love when that happens.
3) Naomi – This hurts, but I have to say that I was very disappointed in my girl for not putting her foot down and telling Cameron that the house party was a bad idea. She was basically an accomplice.
4) Nikki Bella – She wasn’t great, but she wasn’t awful.
5) Nattie – I didn’t feel bad for her that her house was turned into Tampa’s gathering of the party BROs, but it sucks that she had to have so much crap dumped on her.
6) Brie Bella – I’m all for having a strong belief and being passionate about things, but don’t ruin my lunch. Wait until I’m done eating to show me animal abuse.
7) Cameron – Five strong episodes of character growth and mature behavior down the friggin’ drain.