Unfortunately for any of us that thought and perhaps hoped that this week’s episode of Total Divas was the season finale, as last week’s episode had teased, it was only the mid-season finale as at least one commenter pointed out. That means that despite increasingly lousy ratings and plots so repetitive and recycled that Total Divas could be added to the CBS spring primetime lineup, we’re still probably another 10 episodes away from the end of this painful, awkward and downright boring third season. But you know what? I’m cool with that. After all, if Nattie is okay with making herself out to be a whack job for the sake of some screen time, then I’ve kind of reached the point that I want to see how far down the rabbit hole she’s willing to take us.
If she eventually wakes up next to Hornswoggle and the hand that Mae Young gave birth to after a wild night of Brie Mode, then this will actually have been all worth it. In the meantime, let’s see how much more she can embarrass herself in this week’s episode and mid-season finale of Total Divas, “The Divas are Taking Over,” AKA “It’s Eva Marie’s Turn to Have a Wedding Now, Even Though She’s Already Married.”
Pre-Mid-Season Finale Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Naomi – With her very limited screen time this season, and seeing that she only really showed up to offer half-assed marriage advice or to give strange looks when sh*t got confusing, I’m worried that Naomi is on the way out as Paige and Alicia Fox are arriving. It’s probably for the better.
2) Summer Rae – I wish she’d leave, too, because her role as the Diva everyone hates is completely pointless when they have her sitting at Eva Marie’s bridal shower pretending that they don’t loathe each other.
3) Cameron – I guess. I mean, every Diva from this point on is terrible in her own way. Some are just light years more terrible than the others.
4) Rosa Mendes – Buried beneath the constant reminders that she recently had a boob job and that she’s apparently hot (and not at all desperate for attention, with a hint of “I’M GONNA BOIL YOUR F*CKING RABBIT, GARY BURRITOBEEF!”), Rosa’s over-the-top behavior and terrible fake crying are at least a decent change of pace from the show’s revolving door of “problems.”
5) Brie Bella – Last week, Brandon and I had a whole conversation about how ridiculous it is that this show tries to make us worry about the “financial problems” of Brie and Daniel Bryan, considering they’re probably very well off. It’s okay to stretch the truth a little, but this show acts like we’re all morons.
6) Eva Marie – After all of the terrible narcissism and pointless feuding with her co-stars, Eva Marie is trying to emerge as the show’s sensible Diva that is growing up in front of us. That would be great if we all had short term amnesia.
7) Nikki Bella – I know that this season was supposed to serve as the “real” side of the Bella Twins’ feud, but it would have been a million times better if they sold it as “Everything is fine and we’re really loving this idea, let’s just hope it doesn’t leak into our relationship as sisters” instead of “OMG we’re feuding in the ring and in reality, how convenient!”
8) Nattie – Several commenters have now echoed my sentiments that Nattie has sacrificed her good name and in-ring reputation in order to become the show’s true heel, and I’ll say it every week – that’s not a good thing. I’d rather watch Summer Rae and Rosa argue over Gary Bingsearchengine every f*cking week than Nattie fake sneeze cry her way through another fight that she clearly instigated with her husband.
Hey, It’s a Special Guest Appearance from Sheamus!
He stopped by to let us know that the valet lost Summer’s keys. Thanks, Sheamus! Best part of this is that if you pay attention to the background noise as Sheamus is walking off, you can hear Summer talking to him like, “Heyyyyy, what’s going on?” I would totally be cool with her new gimmick being the girl who flirts with every WWE Superstar no matter the circumstances. Like, they could run one of those, “Oh no, Randy Orton and his goons attacked Dean Ambrose from behind and broke his spine by throwing him in front of the idling bus!” and as Ambrose would be “unconscious” on the stretcher, Summer would walk up like, “Heyyyyyy Dean, wanna share a car and maybe get some Denny’s after this?” That would be hilarious, right?
Nattie Just Called Fandango an Idiot
The best part of last week’s episode was probably when Tyson Kidd was hanging out backstage at Raw, because he works for the WWE and is allowed to be there, and Nattie had a temper tantrum that he was there. Tyson earned huge points with me for saying the meanest nonchalant thing he could have ever said, when he greeted her with, “Hey, what’s up, brother?” That is just a relationship dagger that doesn’t stop twisting. Anywho, let’s forget that this is a televised series and keep pretending that, you know, they’re in their own little world and when they whisper secrets to each other, the other people won’t find out. Nattie cannot believe that Fandango asked her in this week’s intro what is going on with her and Tyson, because why are people talking about her personal business?
I mean, it’s not like she stormed up to her husband in front of a group of her coworkers and started yelling at him last week. But then Nattie really doubled down on the crazy bullshit when she called all of her WWE coworkers, including Fandango, “idiots.”
That leads us to a new segment called…
This Week in Nattie’s Horrible Fake Crying!!!
Holy hell in a cell, you guys, she actually squeezed one whole tear out this time! Great work, by E!’s standby Visine team. So why is Nattie crying now? She’s just frustrated, because, as she tells the seriously-so-sympathetic Nikki Bella, a Diva isn’t supposed to bring her relationship problems to work, even though that is exactly what Nattie has done every week. Like, she should open a fridge in the backstage kitchen area and shout, “WHO THE F*CK ATE MY SCRIPTED FANTASY SEXUAL ASSAULT SCENE?!?!” and then run around the back area crying and screaming like Janey Briggs in that one scene of Not Another Teen Movie, occasionally interrupting Superstar promos.
But don’t worry, everyone. When once-divorced marriage chaser Nikki Bella asked Nattie if she’s okay after she’s been crying and complaining, she replies, “It’s insane how good I am.” Yes, something about this is totally insane. Especially the part where she mentions for no reason that she’s wearing no underwear under her dress… at work. But hey, at least Nattie got a title shot against Paige (and lost, because she’s Nattie.)
Eva Marie’s Wedding Dress Will Be “Sleek and Sexy, totally Eva Marie Style”
Hoo boy. Ten bucks says Jonathan kept saying, “Side boob” instead of “I do,” and they had to shoot the wedding scene 6,000 times. But let’s talk about the real news, folks – GEORGE CLOONEY HAD DINNER WITH HIS WIFE’S PARENTS!!! STOP THE GODDAMNED PRESSES!!! I love you, E! “News,” even if you think Orlando and Cocoa Beach are close to each other. But it’s important to remember that above all else, this wedding is about Eva Marie and her daddy, and the chance that he’ll have to walk his little girl down the aisle. I assume he’ll be wearing a mesh tuxedo from Affliction’s “Let it Breathe, Brah” collection.
Don’t Worry, They Shoe-Horned More John Cena/Nikki Bella Drama into this One
The other week, I jokingly pondered whether or not they’d find a way to squeeze more Cena/Nikki Bella’s Breasts marriage (or lack thereof) drama in this series, since this season has been pretty light on the Superstar’s reminders that he just got divorced and doesn’t want to go through that nonsense again. This week’s Cena/Nikki fun started off with a very special lesson in folding panties. Did you guys know that Nikki Bella wears sexy panties and outfits for her man? She does. She’s very sexual, in case you didn’t know.
That segued nicely into Nikki filling Cena in on last week’s Nattie drama, as if he cares, and because we don’t have eyes and didn’t watch everything go down just seven days ago, the story has changed ever-so-slightly. Nikki told Cena that both Nattie and Tyson were “screaming at each other,” which is a very liberal take on the story, seeing as Tyson is incapable of raising his voice, as the software company that developed his emotions won’t have that upgrade ready until next year. But it’s convenient to pretend that Tyson did, in fact, scream because maybe a few of us will fall into Nattie’s crazy trap.
That actually also segued nicely into Nikki’s new revelation that maybe she doesn’t want to get married anymore, and that leads to our new segment…
This Week in John Cena’s “Get Me the F*ck Out of Here” Faces
Haha, that man does not want to get married or even talk about marriage, folks. That led us to another very interesting idea… how about an entire series dedicated to Cena and Nikki competing at random board games?
That would be a billion times better than watching Nattie talk about vitamins at a lesbian bar, while Rosa carefully kisses a random woman, as to not mess up her 16 layers of lip gloss. Just kidding, that was the best scene of TV in 2014.
Everything’s Coming Up Eva Marie
Move over, Maxim and whichever person took those old, humiliating nudes years ago, because Eva Marie is going to be the first ever Diva to appear on the cover of Muscle and Fitness Hers magazine, which is obviously a huge honor. So show us the proper form for working out while someone takes pictures of you, Eva Marie!
You can’t learn that in a developmental school, because otherwise Eva Marie would take a few months and learn how to practice. But this isn’t about Eva Marie’s success, as much as it’s about… oh for f*ck’s sake, Nattie. The WWE’s mopiest fake crier showed up to lend “moral support” for a f*cking photo shoot, but quickly ruined the fun by talking to Eva Marie about Tyson and the wedding. “I hate even doing this, because I feel so rude right now…” Leave it to Eva Marie, the girl who is wearing a Mortal Kombat character’s fighting outfit as a wedding dress, to nasally talk some sense in Nattie about wanting to make the wedding all about her by sitting at a different table from her husband. I just wish that Eva Marie had had the ovaries to say, “Grow the f*ck up” to Nattie’s face instead of the stupid voiceover.
But then, that’s probably the solution to making this series a million times better. These girls are supposed to be the “toughest” Divas in the world, right? Well, how about instead of having them do the typical Real Housewives bullshit and talk behind each other’s backs, they say everything to each other’s faces. Even the Real Housewives throw a glass of wine or slap each other once a week. That’s in their contracts.
“I just want to go to your wedding, and feel pretty and be there for you,” Nattie tells Eva Marie. Awesome, then shut the hell up, quit your fake crying for one day, and don’t pick a fight with your husband for three whole hours, or however long it takes Eva Marie and Jonathan to mumble four syllables at each other.
This Week in the Bella Twins Fighting at Restaurants
Congratulations, Open Table, you’re the winner of this week’s free reality show exposure, after you allowed Brie and Nikki Bella to argue over meaningless crap at one of your, wait for it, open tables. It was also awesome that the show planted a Bella Twins superfan at this restaurant, and she just so happened to be on the phone with her friend who would LOOOOOVE to hear Brie’s voice. Best part about this stupid scene – the girl calls for Brie and the girl on the phone says, “Hi Nikki Bella.” Ain’t no shame in this TV editing game.
So the topic of this week’s Bella fight is how Nikki is suddenly inspired to remain happy in her common law relationship to Cena. Brie’s not buying this at all, and long story very short – it’s going to lead to the real life feud between the Bella Twins that coincides so nicely with their in-ring feud. Funny how that all works out on reality shows.
Oh Hey, What’s Up Bella Dad?
Rad fedora, bro.
The Bella Dad, Bella Rob Kardashian and Bella Mom, who is very smart because she reads self-help books about managing money, stopped by for our next argument in a restaurant to learn from Brie that Nikki no longer wants to get married to Cena, because she’s afraid of the marriage failing, which both she and Cena know something about. The Bella Kardashians are already all suspect of Cena’s intentions, since he made Nikki and her breasts sign a contract upon moving in with him, like any sane adult with a vast fortune would do in any situation, but it’s safe to say that Nikki will be furious when she finds out the whole family talked about her life without her there.
In the End, It’s All About Eva Marie’s Big Day…
… and how Nattie ruins it. It started with Nattie jumping down Tyson’s throat in the hotel lobby, as he said nothing to instigate or antagonize. Oh, and it’s about how the Bella Twins and their love of wine ruins it, because the wedding took place in Napa Valley (although a NAPA Auto Parts store would have been fitting) and that is Nikki’s “heaven,” because she really likes to drink, a lot, you see. Anyway, did someone say drinking? Because that means one thing… BRIE MODE!!!
Brie Mode, in case you don’t recall, is the Bella Twins’ totally hilarious and zany nickname for binge-drinking and being fall down drunk. They’re no different than any women in the world, but they’re on TV, so they are better than us at life, and therefore getting blackout drunk as well. It also really helps them sell merchandise, because young girls like to wear t-shirts that have “BRIE MODE” printed on them, so they can tell their friends, “Haha, I have no clue what this actually means.”
BOTTOM LINE: Nikki is happy, stop judging her and criticizing her, damn it. “There shouldn’t be another discussion,” she says to the camera that she always discusses it in front of. Anyway, that leads to this little meltdown exchange…
ANNNNNNNNNNND f*ck this nonsense. Fortunately, they shifted gears to sh*t talk Nattie’s marriage failure, and then they drunkenly fought in the backseat of a car while screaming at Nattie on the phone. Haha, Brie Mode, you guys.
Hey, Remember When This Was About Eva Marie’s Wedding?
And her poor father, battling cancer? Yeah, well, this is still all about the Bella Twins making stupid decisions at every turn and Nattie picking fights with Tyson every chance she can get and then blaming it all on him, when he really does nothing wrong (except for ignoring her for his career, and not catering to her sexual assault fantasies). The Bella Twins ended up inviting Nattie and Tyson out for drinks without letting either of them know that the other would be there, and to make things ONE MILLION times better, Vincent and Cameron showed up. Amazingly, it turned into a sort of group intervention, in which everyone turned against Nattie and told her how she’s basically acting like a colossal C-word to the one man who is supposed to always be there for her.
It didn’t go well at all, because Nattie was incapable of admitting that she does anything wrong in her marriage, and then Tyson got drunk and actually started acting like an A-hole, so hoo boy, the painful, obnoxious drama. Side note: If this is all settled with a kiss and a hug at the end of the season, I’m going to charge E! and the WWE for a new desk and computer when I completely lose my sh*t and break everything I own.
Worst Comeback Ever
Nattie: You remind me of your mom. Same dumbass comments.
Tyson: You remind me of your dad.
And then they both made stupid faces like they felt so clever. F*ck both of these people.
But doesn’t that violate the WWE’s domestic violence policy? The next morning, before the wedding, they were right back at it, despite Brie’s compelling understanding of relationships, as she asked: “Are you guys still fighting?” Hey, I can’t really knock that line of questioning, because this show constantly wraps sh*t up without a second thought.
Best Part of the Episode
Summer Rae getting Tyson’s back in the bus ride to the wedding. That was pretty smart.
As For the Actual Wedding…
Haha, high five for a rad wedding, bros! Also, Eva Marie wore a black wig to represent her true hair color so that her father would remember his little girl, which is a very sweet sentiment if you don’t look at the front of her dress at all.
It’s hard to mock this moment because it actually has some emotional validity to it, unless they’ve been lying about the whole cancer thing, which sounds mean to even suggest, but would you ever put it by this series to lie about something like that? Absolutely not. Eva Marie and Jonathan, who were already married before this symbolic wedding, said, “I do” and all was well. That is, until Nattie freaked out again and made it all about herself by trying to write on the seating arrangements. The solution to the matter? EVERYONE GET DRUNK.
However, seeing Eva Marie and Jonathan so happy, and being a grown baby sitting at a separate table from her husband, next to her arch nemesis Summer Rae of all people, Nattie realized she’s a failure and left the wedding. I’d prefer the show, too, but baby steps.
Don’t Worry, It’s Not a Real Mid-Season Finale Without A Cena/Nikki Bella Cliffhanger
Nikki kept saying things like, “A long time ago when I thought that I wanted to get married,” but it was one week ago that she wanted to get married, and she’s constantly proving me wrong about thinking she can’t be much worse than she already is. Nikki Bella is a vapid, soulless woman and I pray that she gets everything she wants, because otherwise she might become a serial killer.
Bella Rob Kardashian, the very intelligent book-reading Bella Mom and Brie held another sort of intervention for Cena, in that they told him that he’s probably better off letting her go so she “can find what she wants.” Bella Rob Kardashian thinks that the very wealthy WWE Superstar and action movie star should walk away, because he’s apparently a relationship expert. He also revealed that he sent his girlfriend a nude selfie, so he’s obviously the go-to guy.
Their intervention worked, because Cena and Nikki had a serious heart-to-heart to close out the first half of the season, just as they had at least one time before. Nikki said that she has sacrificed so much for Cena, which is something that we haven’t seen at all, because what the hell did she sacrifice to move into his huge home and spend his money? “I’m not good for you,” Cena grumbled at his lady. “If you love something, let it go.” She replied, “So you’re letting me go?” and that was that.
Thank God, I need a break.
Final Important Question About This Week’s Episode
What the hell does the title, “The Divas are Taking Over,” even mean? What did they take over this week? Eva Marie landed on the cover of a magazine, but nobody else actually did anything. This makes absolutely no sense.
Post-Mid-Season Finale Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Naomi – She barely had a second of screen time in this one, so I’m thinking she’s done. That’s good news, though, if it means she gets a title feud. She deserves it.
2) Summer Rae – She was the funniest part of this episode, actually pointing out the lunacy of how this show constantly ignores previous plot points by putting her next to Nattie at all times.
3) Cameron – When she’s the voice of reason for relationship problems, well, she probably has the second best relationship, so it’s not a bad idea.
4) Brie Bella – Let’s retire Brie Mode already. We get it, people act goofy when they’re drunk. She’s just as obnoxious as every drunk person I’ve ever been around, including myself.
5) Rosa Mendes – Nowhere to be found this week, except in the intro. I really needed this break from her.
6) Nikki Bella – We’ve reached default rankings for the worst and beyond. At least she seems aware of how incredibly stupid her sudden resistance to marriage is. I’ll give her credit, though, if it ends up being reverse psychology to get Cena to propose. However, we all know that it’s just the lead-up to the “actual” Bella feud, because the preview told us that.
7) Eva Marie – Her “wedding” was as gaudy as we’d expect, but it was still kind of sweet (and a little creepy).
8) Nattie – Simply the worst.
On the Second Half of the Third Season of Total Divas…
I’m curious to see how this goes, because the ratings have gotten worse and worse, dropping below a million viewers in recent episodes. Maybe the presence of Paige, as the pissed off champion contender, helps a little, but I can’t see how this clusterf*ck of Divas can get better when they keep recycling the same stupid, boring ideas throughout each season and episode. Let’s breathe some life into this show already, or just bury it once and for all.
