The nominees for the 2014 Teen Choice Awards were recently announced, as five lucky people or groups were picked for each of the 37 categories, thus ensuring an incredible evening of excitement on August 10, 2014 on Fox. The Teen Choice Awards is the only event at which you’ll hear people pretending that they actually saw The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones or enjoyed Kellan Lutz’s performance in The Legend of Hercules, and it’s the only venue in show business that will give Halle Berry the Choice Movie Actress award for the five minutes she was in X-Men: Days of Future Past, all because she’s willing to show up (my prediction).
I could probably rant like a lunatic for days over the idea of Lily Collins winning an award over Angelina Jolie or an ABC Family series winning anything ever or even people pretending that Florida Georgia Line is good music, but there are far more important matters to discuss with this year’s Teen Choice Awards. Namely, Total Divas being nominated for Choice TV: Reality Show. This is a truly monumental occasion in the history of the WWE’s own reality programming, as Total Divas has proven time and again that it is a show that is on TV and should be considered for stuff.
As for which five shows Total Divas is up against, well, if the Bella Twins and those other women that the show uses for filler thought competition was fierce in the WWE, they’ve got another thing coming.
Choice TV: Reality Show
COSMOS: A SPACETIME ODYSSEY
“Dance Moms”
“Keeping Up With The Kardashians”
“Real Husbands of Hollywood”
“Total Divas”
Upon first glance, this is a Group of Death, in that I would rather chew my own heart out of my chest than watch anything other than Cosmos. But I’m going to use some of my unparalleled, world-renowned expertise to break this sucker down and determine which of these shows will win, based on the incredibly strict qualifications of the Teen Choice Awards.
COSMOS: A SPACETIME ODYSSEY
The reason that Cosmos is in all caps on the Teen Choice Awards website is because it’s a Fox show, so like The Mindy Project and Brooklyn Nine-Nine it comes with the built-in advantage of possibly being one of the shows that Fox required to win in order to keep this thing from airing on a YouTube channel for someone named “xXxFartBlaster420xXx.” However, part of that speculative arrangement that we all know exists, but no one ever admits is real, is that someone with star power has to show up to accept the award. In this case, that someone would be either host Neil deGrasse Tyson or producer Seth MacFarlane. They could get a hologram Carl Sagan to show up, but this is the TEEN Choice Awards and not Your Nerdy Dad Choice Awards.
The only way Cosmos wins this is if God himself shows up on a skateboard, tosses his Oakleys into the crowd like Bret “The Hitman” Hart and declares that science and religion exist hand-in-hand. But even that might not be enough.
Odds of Winning: 1,000 to 1
Dance Moms
I had no clue this show about an awful woman who screams at children while their mothers stand there like helpless blobs of matter was still on television. I’d say that was a good thing for both the chances of Total Divas and humanity, but for all I know people still watch this sh*t like it’s the raddest thing since Mountain Dew Code Red. I don’t pray often, but I pray that Dance Moms wins nothing.
Odds of Winning: 20 to 1
Keeping Up with the Kardashians
Sadly, despite reports of declining ratings, this is like the Big Bang Theory of reality shows. It’s the Old Faithful that is probably going to win because it’s the lazy option for people who are scrolling down to make sure they pick Kendall Jenner over Beyoncé for Choice Female Hottie. Also, it’s basically guaranteed that Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian – or Kylie and Kendall Jenner for the teens – will show up to accept any award on Earth, even if Kim Kardashian is too busy perfecting her “smiling is for assholes” look in front of the mirror. Keeping Up with the Kardashians does not deserve to win, but it probably will.
Odds of Winning: 2 to 1
Real Husbands of Hollywood
Um, this is a parody show. Well, kind of. It has Nick Cannon, so I’m not sure how funny it is, but it’s not a reality show. It’s fake. Hell, it’s a parody of those already obviously fake Real Housewives shows. How could this even be nominated for Choice TV: Reality Show unless… Kevin Hart is going to show up to accept the award. If that’s the plan, all bets are off the table.
Odds of Winning: 100 to 1
Total Divas
From a strictly-quality perspective, and the fact that it actually has stories that involve some of the biggest stars in the sports-entertainment industry, Total Divas should win this award. Despite the power of the Kardashians, E! would probably also put its support behind the show that follows its First Family of F*ck Tapes for the sake of strengthening the ratings and franchise, because Kim’s ass won’t be able to carry that family forever. With the addition of Rosa Mendes, Total Divas is only going to get better next season – or she’s there to be one more person who hates Summer Rae for no reason – and it just makes sense that it takes this honor from an otherwise unimpressive field.
Fortunately, from the “Stars showing up” perspective, the WWE’s scheduling looks pretty accommodating. On August 8 and 9, the WWE Live shows are taking place in Australia, and they feature John Cena and Nikki Bella, so that doesn’t look good. WWE Live Summerslam is in British Columbia on Aug. 9, but no Divas are listed for that show. RAW takes place in Portland on Aug. 11, so it’d be pretty easy for the Divas to get from Los Angeles to Oregon between shows. Also, Cena’s scheduled for that RAW, so unless Nikki Bella’s breasts can’t get through customs, she’ll be back in the States on Sunday as well. At the very least, the WWE could have Eva Marie show up to accept the award by saying, “Ummmmmmmm ehhhhhhhhhhhhh nnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Red is a color nnnnnnnnnnnn ummmmmmmmm ehhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
I think the whole roster shows up to accept the award – minus Summer Rae, because the third season will reveal that she was locked in a supply closet – and this show is renewed for a fourth season on the spot, right as one of the neighbor kids hit a baseball through my window, striking me in the temple, and leaving me in a coma that sets my brain in a dreamscape in which I am the soul of Eva Marie’s first baby with Scott Stapp 2.0. We can call it Look Who’s Begging For Death.
Odds of Winning: 5 to 1
