‘Total Divas’ Recap, Episodes 3 & 4: Lettuce Get Right To The Point

Hey hey, folks! Two episodes didn’t actually kill me, so we’re back for two more! Be sure to read the most recent recap here before diving in. We killed two episodes with one write-up, Nattie let a dominatrix tie up her mom, and Daniel Bryan had a wank into a cup while a camera crew listened. Yeah, you missed a lot.

Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Cameron – She wasn’t on the show last week. Helllooooooo default!
2) Paige – Pale nice girls who like good wrestling and are sweet to fans yes good.
3) Alicia Fox – I wonder if she got her sh*t done.
4) Naomi – Middle of the pack. Doesn’t want drama, but instigates… a lot of it.
5) Nikki – Because someone’s gotta be better than Brie.
6) Eva Marie – Because multiple people have to be better than Brie.
7) Brie – The worst not named Natalya.
8) Nattie – I am still uncomfortable with literally everything she does.

First up on Total Divas: It’s WrestleMania weekend, which means mega drama, mega sperm counts, and motherf*cking Alundra Blayze.

Hey, you know what I remember about WrestleMania weekend? Taking more over-the-counter cold meds than any one person should take because I was sick nearly to the point of delirium, and TERMINATOR SKULLS. This episode has neither of those things. The Bella Twins are split over how to solve a problem like Eva Marie. Brie still hates Eva because she wants to be famous and wrestling is secondary to that, which we only hear about when she’s talking about how much she wants to make babies with Daniel Bryan because wrestling comes second. Nikki decides that she’s going to step up and try to mend things with Eva, and it goes about as well as you think. Don’t forget, everyone is still mad over an Instagram post, so things are really serious. Eva criticizes Nikki’s locker room leadership, and intimates that she’s coming for the championship and to change the atmosphere in the locker room that she’s never actually in because she’s been spirited away to Brian Kendrick’s School For Those Who Can’t Wrestle Good (And Want to Do Other Stuff Good Too).

I’m super happy WWE provided a clip of this so I don’t have to struggle to explain why I’m not sure Eva Marie is a fully-functioning human being. Like, she gets a lot of slack because ‘model who wants to wrestle’ immediately draws the kind of vitriol only reserved for um… attractive women in one field who want to do stuff in another, but dang. You wanna give her all the credit in the world for working hard and training, but you put her in front of a camera and ask her to say a few sentences like they’re her real feelings, and it kinda uses up all that good will, you know?

Brie certainly doesn’t have any good will left either, and gets the opportunity to go into full-on SMUG MODE. Watch her struggle to both a) remember a previous Divas Champion she’s allowed to talk about on the show, b) remember that she herself is a former Divas Champion, and then c) admit that Nikki might be a better one than she was.