‘Total Divas’ Recap, Episodes 5 And 6: The Queen Of Farts

It’s time for another double shot of Total Divas, which, coincidentally, is exactly what it takes to get through this show! *rimshot* *hold for laughter that never comes* If you missed the last two-episode recap, you can find it here. There are a lot of screencaps of people eating because, look, we all deal with sh*t in different ways.

First up on Total Divas: John Cena dives into the driving emotional force behind the behavior of “new money,” and Paige wears a funny hat.

NATALYA CAT HUMP

This week starts off with Nattie showing everyone a video of Two-Paws (like Tupac, but a cat that belongs to white people) aggressively humping her head and neck because her life is an unfathomable mess. Naomi and Alicia Fox interrupt this magical moment to tell the girls that the teams for their UK tour have been chosen. The roster splits into two groups to cover the most ground when they’re on a house show circuit, so you could get, say, Cesaro and Paige on one, or Alicia Fox and King Barrett on the other. Oh no, that’s exactly what’s happened! Foxy admits that she’s “a lovesick fool” for Wade, even though he has a new girlfriend. Listen, Alicia — Ms. Foxy if you’re nasty — you’re my favorite, so let me tell you this: Never get hung up on dudes with gimmicks. Seriously. Whether it’s novelty wrestling gear, or a hilariously crushing fear of commitment, it just does not go well.

PAIGETD

Paige and the Bella Twins are on the same tour team, and Nikki is very excited to be a broad abroad, living the high life in a foreign country. Paige is excited to get back to England to do traditionally “Bri-ish” things, like going to the chippy, saying ‘lift’ and ‘lorry,’ and getting discovered by Malcolm McLaren. She doesn’t understand Nikki’s champagne wishes and caviar dreams, insisting that England really isn’t like that. Later, Nattie reveals to Paige that the Bellas used to work at Hooters, and also grew up on a farm. There isn’t really anything particularly shame-y about either of these things, but it’s treated like this huge bombshell. WHOA, someone grew up in a different environment than they live in now and also used to work in food service? I, for one, am shocked. Also, honey, you let a cat hump your head, maybe take off the Judge Judy wig for a sec. The tea-sipping assertion is that Nikki is a total fake, because people never grow or change when their circumstances and surroundings change, as well, or something. Nattie bops Paige on the boob and then plays with her hair a bit because there really isn’t anyone on the planet more awkward and terrible than she is.

Meanwhile, Eva Marie is back in California to continue training with Brian Kendrick and his wife (pictured above). Coincidentally, that is the exact same look I have on my face when I watch Eva Marie do anything. I feel you, girl. Eva is really proud of the work she’s been putting in, and I’m just glad she’s remembering to keep her f*cking legs closed on her headscissors.¬†AT LEAST HALF OF THE WWE ROSTER COUGH COUGH

eva marie bruises

Later, she goes to a photoshoot for her website, and decides that the only way to cover her bruises from training is with head to toe body paint. I can only assume all of her photos are totally un-retouched so removing them after the fact is out of the question. The photographer convinces her to take a few without the paint, and she admits that she’s kind of proud of them because it shows all of the hard work she’s been putting in. Jonathan thinks everything looks dope, because I don’t think he’s had any other adjectives uploaded into his internal programming system. I assume they had to cut that part of the budget to re-funnel money into the ongoing Giuliana Rancic mummification project. But was this just an excuse to show a bunch of different shots of Eva Marie in a bikini, or is it foreshadowing something much darker?? Dum-dum-duuummmmmmm!

nikki naomi paige total divas

1. This jumpsuit is — yes, you guessed it — totally dope.
2. This guy only wants to take a picture with Nikki, because that’s not creepy or suspect at all.
3. How many times do you think he’s cranked it to that selfie since this was filmed?
4. Yeah, probably a lot, huh.

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