Last time on Total Divas: Paige wore a snake, got tattooed, and got injured (in separate incidents), Nikki decided to become an award-winning vintner, and Nattie’s big idea for a heel turn was “wear a wig.”
You can find our recap of the season six premiere right here if you need to get caught up, and you can find ourTotal Bellas recaps over here.
On with the show!
We start backstage, and the first thing we see is a semi truck with Nattie’s face on it reminding people not to be a bully, which is funny because Nattie is easily the biggest bully in Total Divas history.
Nattie, Renee, and Paige are eating when Lana rolls up with an armload of wedding ideas, and Renee and Paige immediately bounce. Lana bends Nattie’s ear with wedding ideas, and Nattie says she’s happy to help with anything and everything Lana needs. I’m sure that’s going to last!
At Renee and Dean Ambrose’s place, Renee says things are great in their relationship and Dean is the WWE Champion, so he’s at the apex of his career. But his life is so busy that when they’re home, he just wants to be a homebody. I’m sure we’ll get back to that at some point.
Backstage at WWE, Paige has a dog in a bag.
Paige isn’t working while she’s injured, so she has time to do stuff like stick a puppy in a bag and not actually train it yet, but take it on the road with her. Elsewhere, Maryse and Naomi are fretting about the impending brand split draft, and wondering what is going to happen to their professional lives, their travel schedules, and everything else.
In makeup, Nattie gets hit up by her ETERNAL NEMESIS Summer Rae.
Nattie tells Summer that Lana has been hitting her up every second of the day with wedding questions, and it’s driving her crazy. Yep, Nattie’s willingness to help lasted exactly four scenes. Summer Rae and Natalya postulate that Lana must be dynamite in the sack, because she’s exceedingly high maintenance in other respects.
Nattie is desperately trying to get out of the thing she literally volunteered to help with, so R-Truth suggests she do such a bad job that Lana fires her as unofficial wedding planner. She thinks R-Truth is a genius, probably because it’s usually an accident that she fucks up every aspect of her life.
Elsewhen backstage, Sami Zayn is hanging out!
Zayn says he doesn’t have an Instagram because it seems very vain and he doesn’t like it. “I’m a boy, I’m a boy, I’m a stupid boy.” Renee says she and Dean were supposed to have an excursion with Brie and Bryan recently, but Dean bailed at the last moment, but she’s used to it at this point. Renee says she wants to take a vacation, maybe to Hawaii or somewhere, and she’s willing to just go by herself (with Brie and Bryan) if she has to. Lana and Nattie encourage her to do this.
Brie and Bryan run into a fan on their way to lunch and it’s very sweet. At lunch, there is a lot of talk of ovulation and cervical mucus, which Brie thinks needs a less disgusting name. Trust me, Brie, I think any name would inadvertently end up being way grosser. On their way out of the restaurant, they run into a pregnant friend and Brie has to restrain herself from putting hands all over her belly.
Backstage, Paige is hanging out with ICE COLD MARK CARRANO, talking about rehab and physical therapy options. Carrano says if she needs surgery, she could be out for eight to ten months. Paige says there’s no way she’s willing to be out of action for that long (cough), so she’s hoping physical therapy for a few weeks will do the trick.
Brie, Bryan, and Renee do indeed go on a three-person vacation to a lovely wooded island, where they’ll go whale watching (and where Brie and Bryan will bang a bunch while trying to make a baby).
In Tampa, Nattie and Lana are working on wedding plans, which looks like it’s going to be Step 1 in Operation: Nattie Screws Up, But On Purpose For Once. Lana is thinking of a carnival circus fair type feel theme. Nattie is trying to pick out some hideous dresses, and so she picks some dresses that are dark brown and mint green. And hideous.
Nattie seems to be doing perfectly, as Lana hates everything, even stuff Nattie actually legitimately likes. That’s a bingo.
Back on the island, the threesome (not like that) goes out to an early dinner overlooking a field, where they see BABY DEER.
Renee said Dean would freak out if he could see baby deer. Bryan, like me, is incredulous. Renee talks about how good it is to get away for a while, because she’s nervous her and Dean might get split up in the brand draft. Brie and Bryan both talk about how lucky they are that they don’t have to deal with that hectic daily grind anymore. Whoops!
Paige is worried she’ll never wrestle again, and gets word she needs to meet with a doctor. Paige’s puppy is, like, criminally cute.
On Orcas Island, Renee is very upset at this point that Dean is not with her. She’s bummed that he doesn’t want to do the things she wants to do. Then she and Brie look at a big cock.
In a field (typical), Bryan offers Brie and Renee some delicious raw sweet corn. They love it!
Bryan tells Brie he got a call from WWE, and they want him to come in. Brie wants to know if this is going to be a long-term thing, and he doesn’t know. He doesn’t even know if he wants to go back, which is an interesting about-face. All he knows is that it’s a job opportunity, and it’s meant to be kept secret. Brie is hopeful that it might be a producer or front office job, but he absolutely doesn’t want that. She says, what if it’s an on-television role? He says, “If they want me to wrestle again, I’m all in.” She tells him to shut his mouth.
Backstage, Paige has a call with the doctor and describes her injury. The doctor tells her that it sounds like it’s something in her neck that they can’t see, so she has to go in for an MRI.
Elsewhere, Lana meets with Maryse — who might be the new person to tap for wedding assistance — at a bakery to look at cakes. Lana explains that Nattie is totally blowing it, and Maryse is surprised. Nattie shows up, and Maryse appears to grab her crotch as a greeting.
Maryse finds a pot of Nutella, and she’s in love.
Nattie knows Lana hates vanilla, so she starts suggesting vanilla heavy and often. Lana is sad.
When Lana goes to the restroom, Nattie lets Maryse in on her brilliant plan. Nattie suggests that Maryse should step in as the planner, and Maryse says absolutely not, because she’s also fed up with Lana’s neediness already.
Brie and Renee go out for some shopping on Orcas Island, and Brie talks about how she’s worried that things are so up in the air right now, but it does make her happy that WWE has reached out to Bryan and said they need him, because she knows it means a lot to him. At the same time, the timing of the job offer couldn’t be worse, as they’re trying to start their family and plan out their life, but might be thrust right back into the craziness.
At a WWE event, Lana flags Nattie down on the way into the arena, but Nattie finally snaps. She says she was trying to be nice and help her, but Lana is too high maintenance, so she was trying to get fired from helping her. Lana rightfully points out Nattie could have just uh … said that. God, Nattie, you remain the worst. Lana says she still loves Nattie as Nat peaces out and heads inside.
Renee FaceTimes with Dean and says they need to travel more, and says he has a “Sur-prise” for her: they’re going to Big Sur! Renee is overjoyed, because she’s been dying to go to Big Sur, and he took it upon himself to plan a trip she wants to go on, because it shows he cares.
Nattie calls Paige on the way to her MRI and tells her she hopes it all goes well. Paige gets loaded up for the MRI, and she says she’s never been this scared in her life, because she doesn’t know if her career is going to be over. Later, backstage, Paige reveals to Naomi and Nattie that she has some nerve damage in her neck that is causing her arm to go numb.
Brie, Bryan, and Renee go out on a whale-watching boat and Brie opens up to Bryan. She says she was hoping this was going to be their life from now on, but now they have to reevaluate everything. She had been hoping for him to have an opportunity like this for so long, but now she’s worried about what it might mean. She’s nervous and scared. He says if she doesn’t want him to take it, he won’t take it. She says she’d never take that away from him, and he says he just wants to support her and the life they want to lead. She gets reassured that he still wants to have babies, and that’s good enough for her. They go look at some whales.
At Raw in Atlanta, Paige meets with ICE COLD MARK CARRANO backstage, and he gives her her MRI results. He says it’s all about the health of the performer, and they don’t screw around when its a medical issue. He says there’s a nerve issue in her shoulder blade, and she cannot do anything physical for at least four to six weeks. He says if it doesn’t improve in four weeks, they’ll go to six weeks. If it doesn’t improve in six weeks, they’ll have to go from there. So for now, all momentum and storylines involving her will come to a halt. Paige is obviously distraught about this, because there’s no telling where her career goes from here.
Brie and Bryan show up at the Performance Center, where Bryan has been tapped to be a commentator for the Cruiserweight Classic. I … had actually forgotten that’s how he returned to WWE. Brie watches backstage as he makes his big entrance in Full Sail, and she sees how overjoyed he is to be back.
Next week: VEGAS, BABY! Don’t mention the bachelorette party to Rusev, though.
