Previously, on Total Divas: Lana and Nia Jax went AT each other, and Brie Bella spent a lot of time gathering breast milk for charity. Also, Miz and Maryse sold their house by accident.
This week: NONE OF THAT MATTERS, BECAUSE RUSEV WITH A PIG.
And now, the most bizarre and wonderful moments from season seven, episode five of Total Divas.
In a move that immediately puts Alexa and Nia into the Total Divas Hall of Fame (not that they weren’t already in there through four strong, STRONG episodes), Alexa wants to go to a pig farm and get a pet pig. After some wonderful pig farm footage, including Alexa’s privates being endangered by a spiky fence, she adopts a pig named Larry Steve.
They later bring this pig to Rusev’s Name Day party (more on that shortly), and the name “Larry Steve” tickles Rusev no end. Everything about the pig tickles Rusev. “He makes like pig noises! He’s so small! It’s hilarious!”
Can’t get enough of Rusev with a damn pig. As you’d expect.
Horses Are Just Like Wrestling
The Bellas are really missing being in a WWE ring, so they think maybe they’ll get their competition fix by doing a bunch of different activities. They try skateboarding, with predictably disastrous results, and then go with a big group to the race track to watch the horsies. JJ’s weird fascination with red suits make a return here, and the JJ stuff has really been missing since Total Bellas wrapped up its second season. Just kidding; JJ can go pound sand.
Being at the race track really ramps up the Bellas homesickness for WWE, because of … the crowd? Big beefy animals? Who can say. Brie is so bitten by the wrestling bug that she goes to train with Nia under the watchful eyes of Bryan and Nikki.
Brie is determined to make her comeback as soon as humanly possible, and she and Nikki celebrate by toasting hilariously enormous wine glasses and Nikki saying that this will be like the “Chinese dictionary” (she means “calendar”) and this will be the Year of the Bella. This is the best show, everyone. AIN’T NEVER LOST.
Jim Neidhart Doesn’t Know Where Grease Goes
Nattie, she reminds us, has bought a house for her parents. She first arrives to their home to find the place smells like cigarettes, the sink is clogged because Jim Neidhart poured bacon grease down the drain (“WHERE ELSE AM I SPOSTA PUT IT?:), and cannabis oil is part of big Jim’s diet. Nattie pauses mid-drain-unclog to call out the Anvil’s footwear. “And what kind of shoes are those?”
Later, Natalya tells her parents they can’t keep their new German Shepherd, whom they love. Jim keeps leaving cigarettes in the mailbox and all sorts of other bizarre occurrences, and is fed up all to hell with the way they’re treating the house. In a stunning reversal, Nattie’s parents present HER with a tenant/landlord agreement they want her to sign. Nattie is agog at the audacity … until she actually reads it, and realizes all of it is perfectly sound and maybe she should treat her parents like human beings from time to time. I mean, I guess that’s one approach.
Nattie Squeals On Lana
Nattie rolls up on Rusev in catering and hunkers down, and this is when we learn a RUSEV FUN FACT: Rusev likes leopards, he just doesn’t like leopard print. Nattie says hi and then immediately rats on Lana for arguing with the others on last week’s episode, and saying maybe Nattie would be farther along in her career if she learned out to cut a promo. Rusev laughs heartily at what Lana said to her, because … I mean, come on. Nattie just keeps repeating “total bitch,” and Rusev just calmly nods, and I’m not about to unpack ANY of that. Natalya also spoils Lana’s Name Day surprise party, because Nattie doesn’t wish happiness for anyone, ever.
Later, when Lana asks Rusev what he wants for Name Day (which is a European tradition where everyone with the same name celebrates on the same day), he responds, “Use your eggs and create a new human life.” He continues to harp on wanting a human child throughout, and treats the tiny pig like a child and showers more attention on the pig than on Lana at the party, until finally Lana says she doesn’t want kids right now. Rusev then Rusevs thusly:
They come to an understanding, of course, and agree that having kids at 40 is the new “have kids any younger than 40.” These millennials, I tell ya.
Nia Tries To Foster Cannibalism
Finally, regardless of how produced it was, I have to give at least a passing mention to Nia Jax trying to feed a pig bacon. Luckily, her attempts to befoul everything and everyone were unsuccessful, so better luck next time, you WONDERFUL VILLAIN.
That’ll do it this week! Join us next week, when the Divs go to Cabo, and maybe Rusev will finally make good on his threats and cook naked for us.