After their first forays into developing wrestling personas last week, the cast of WWE Tough Enough returns for another week of competition and drama. On this week’s edition, another WWE star shows up, shouting matches are had, and a face from the past returns. Who’s still in the running for the big contract? Find out with this recap of episode four, “One Man Show.”
Trust me, I know the feeling.
Ghosts Of Alleged Girlfriends Past
I apparently didn't read the Tough Enough rulebook, which totally exists in a vault at USA Network headquarters somewhere, because it looks like substitutes are allowed. The first person we see in this episode is Chelsea Green, who has been called up to replace Dianna after her departure last week. While the rest of the cast was at the live eliminations last week, it turns out Chelsea was making herself at home, doing totally normal things like rearranging the beds in the guys' room. Some of you are probably thinking, "Haven't I seen her somewhere before?" Well, if you're a nerd about the Canadian independent scene, you might recognize her as a graduate of Lance Storm's wrestling school. The more likely case of déjà vu you're having is a flashback to last summer, when WWE decided that they needed their own Claire Lynch storyline and accused Daniel Bryan of having an affair with his physical therapist, a lady named Megan Miller.
They thought I would forget. I never forget.
The Killing Joke
Speaking of lady-scandals, Gabi and Amanda are still fighting over fake boobs. When I say I want continuity in my wrestling programming, this isn’t what I had in mind. Anyway, the recruits are informed by the judges the next day that their new challenges are centered around promo skills. To set them on their way, King Barrett pays a visit and gives some general pointers on how to make a good first impression. The real test, however, comes later in the night. The cast takes a trip to a local improv comedy venue, where Tough Enough host Chris Jericho informs them that they'll be paired off in promo duels. Mada and Josh face off first, and I guess no one told them that they could drop their characters from last week, because Mada is channeling Amun-Ra and Josh reverts to his not-bad-but-not-good British accent. Chelsea manages a perfect Megan Miller impression, which is why she loses decisively to Giorgia. Patrick pipebombs Tanner out of the first round, while Amanda gets the better of Gabi. And of course, ZZ and Sara are paired up to throw kind-hearted insults at each other. You know how women in the Deep South will say "bless your heart" when they don't even remotely mean it? That's what ZZ vs. Sara sounds like. It's a pillow fight to the death. Y2J gets in Sara's face for some overdue tough love, basically taunting her into finding a more aggressive side. She finally fires up a bit, but if she needs a WWE legend to bully her into showing charisma every time going forward, she's not long for this competition. In the end, Patrick and Giorgia are once again the overall winners. In his reaction, Mada gives us this week's Billy Madison Memorial Dumbest Comment of the Week.
“The only reason Patrick won is because he was speaking to the crowd, so he got them riled up.”
Hi, Mada? PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING IS A CALL-AND-RESPONSE ART FORM. Unless WWE starts running shows in abandoned waterfront warehouses, audience interaction will always be pivotal. Paul Heyman isn't cheating when he acknowledges a Suplex City chant. In typical "varsity dweebs who just got owned in public" fashion, Josh regroups with Mada and throws a drink in Patrick's face. A lot of shouting happens, I’ll try and transcribe it to the best of my ability.
Josh: Do you even lift, bro?
Patrick: [heated yet rational argument stating that the days of muscle-bound Hulk Hogan clones are over]
Josh: Do you even lift, bro?
Patrick: [lost audio signal due to testosterone-based interference]
Mada: THIS SHIRT ISN’T TIGHT ENOUGH.
Tanner: [kisses Chelsea in the creepiest way known to man]
Josh: Do you even lift, bro?
I constantly thank God that reality is nothing like high school.
The next day at the Performance Center, it’s time for more drills. The recruits have to take a shoulder knockdown and feed into a scoop lift from their partner. Despite their bad blood, Amanda and Gabi cordially handle their business in the ring. Sara, on the other hand, continues to have a horrible week. Billy Gunn rolled his eyes at her so often, I thought they were going to pop out of his head. Josh wins it on the men’s side. Chelsea has the best performance among the girls, so I guess Lance Storm can breathe easy.
Eight Seconds Left In Overtime
From there, it’s over to Full Sail for the week’s elimination. Predictably, Paige gets on Sara’s case again. Hulk Hogan thinks Mada actually won the promo battle and starts calling Patrick a “smart mark” for the comments he made. Chris Jericho asks Josh to spell “sarcophagus” and Josh ends up spelling “sarcogafus.” The bottom three of the week are Gabi, Tanner, and… you guessed it, Sara. In a last-ditch effort to save their skins, they’re allowed to cut a short promo on why they should stay. Gabi and Tanner fall pretty flat, but Sara gets right in Paige’s face and tells her she’s coming for her spot. It’s a Hail Mary of a promo, because Paige approves and Gabi ends up with the lowest percentage of the vote. Now let’s just hope that no more of Daniel Bryan’s physical therapists are moving into the barracks as we speak.
Week 4 MVP: Giorgia. I hate to sound like a broken record here, but she’s taking in the training like sponge without the dumb drama of all the other competitors.
Week 4 Jobbers: Men who aren’t named “Patrick” or “ZZ.” Josh and Mada are on my list for their Phi Beta Protein antics, while Tanner gets a strike for weak promo skills and semi-nonconsensual kissing.
Week 4 Dark Horse: Lita’s cool Dillinger Escape Plan shirt. There were very few bright spots this week.
Oh, and one more thing! I’m happy to announce that each week (starting with today), we’ll be featuring exclusive interviews with the eliminated cast members! Keep an eye on With Spandex later today for Gabi’s thoughts on the Tough Enough experience.