Previously on the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro: We headed to the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally for World Championship Wrestling presents Tim Allen’s WILD HOGS 1997, featuring an immediate re-do of anything we liked from the 100th edition of Nitro to make sure we’re as sad as possible. Also, Mean Gene Okerlund got a tattoo.
Click here to watch this week’s episode on WWE Network. You can catch up with all the previous episodes of WCW Monday Nitro on the Best and Worst of Nitro tag page. Follow along with the competition here.
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And now, the best and worst of the ACTUAL 100th episode of WCW Monday Nitro, originally aired on August 11, 1997.
Worst: No One Will Be Seated During The Restraining Order Angle
Some wrestling shows like to start off with an exciting match, or a moment or confrontation that gets you hype about the next few hours. WCW Monday Nitro begins with The Giant being given a restraining order for chokeslamming Eric Bischoff a few weeks ago. Before I talk about anything on the show proper, take a look at that “police officer” on the far right. He’s either somebody’s awkward teenage son or the world’s markiest cop, because he spends the entire segment grinning from ear to ear and staring directly into the camera. He’s hilarious. I’m guessing he’s like, Chumley Guerrero.
Instead of saying, “The Giant has been given a restraining order and can’t appear on Nitro tonight,” they devote like, 15 minutes in the middle of the show to jerking off about it. They announce Scott Norton vs. The Giant, but Eric Bischoff rides a motorcycle to the ring to announce the protective order. Then, Buff Bagwell goes out into the middle of the aisle and spray-paints a line across it, which The Giant cannot cross. Because pro wrestling, The Giant shows up just to cross it. That gets him arrested.
If all that’s not bad enough, the segment also includes the nWo b-team singing Happy Birthday to Hollywood Hogan, who could not be farther away from the product despite having been champion all year, showing up to drop the belt a week ago and getting it back a day ago.
At least that’s all the nWo content from six months ago on this ep-
Nick Patrick Is Still nWo 4 Life
…
All right, so at WCW Ridden Wild, Nick Patrick disqualified The Outsiders for yanking him out of the ring during the climax of their Tag Team Championship match with the Steiner Brothers, forcing the already wandering-through-the-desert Steiners into, I’m assuming, another several months of number one contender matches with no payoff. Ted DiBiase left the nWo by choice, but he wonders if Nick Patrick getting kicked out means he wants to suck up to them to get back in.
That brings out Patrick — secretly one of the best talkers in the company, in case you’ve forgotten, and 1000% the proto Kenny Powers — who explains that he let the match go as long as he could, and finally had to disqualify them for putting their hands on him. And then he starts in on RANDY ANDERSON again, because lord knows the thing that’s been missing from Nitro for the past seven months has been referee performance evaluation and employment beefs.
Patrick’s got a point, though. Anderson let the nWo interfere in a Heavyweight Championship match without calling for a DQ, not even when a guy dressed as Sting showed up and hit Luger with a bat. Anderson just counted the three with no regard for the context the championship match was happening in. Nick Patrick is a modern pioneer in that political “sure, I might have done something, but wasn’t this thing someone else did worse?” angle.
Worst: Scott Dickinson
If Nick Patrick wants to find the REAL worst referee in WCW, he should forget Randy Anderson and pay attention to Scott Dickinson. Check out this shot from the finish of Diamond Dallas Page vs. Buff Bagwell, who provides his own ref distraction when Vincent needs to interfere and there isn’t a third nWo guy there. He just turns his back to the match, points at his wrist and repeatedly asks the timekeeper how much time they’ve got left. In the middle of the finish of the match. GREAT JOB, SCOTT, YOU FUCKING VIRGIL ENABLER.
Best: The Outsiders Face Their Toughest Opponents Yet
The guy on the left who looks like Sir Oliver Humperdink had a baby with Hugh Morrus is “Bobby Starr,” who is almost impossible to google because that’s the name at the top of the list when you graduate porn star school and pick a handle. The Al Bundy motherfucker with the sideways vagina on the right is “David Moore,” better known (sort of) as CZW original Lord Everett DeVore. It’s like they walked into a Burger King and were like, “who wants free lunch, all you have to do is let Scott Hall shit-kick you on television for a few minutes.”
Jokes aside, you’ve really got to respect a grown man who goes for the full-on Wynonna Judd-style teased bangs mullet.
Anyway, once the Outsiders are done squashing Irish Joe Dirt and Donnie Diapers here, they demand WCW bring out another team for them to defeat. That, of course, brings the Steiner Brothers out of the crowd, and the fans go APE. The Steiners whomp them, send them fleeing and pose with their Tag Team Championship belts. It’s a real shame that this story never actually gets to end with Rick and Scott beating Hall and Nash.
Okay, after looking at Bobby Starr’s face and David Moore’s crotch, I need a palate cleanser. Anybody on this show got a good one of both?
[chef kiss]
Best: Alex Wright Is Still The Best Nitro Girl
Just like last week, Alex Wright interrupts and scares away the Nitro Girls with his intense step-and-thrust dance. Did that dance actually have a name? Is it just the Alex Wright dance? Das One-two-kind? I love that it’s the only dance he did in like a decade of wrestling, and that no matter what song was playing, he was always dancing to ‘Warped Mind’ by Dominic Glynn.
Worst: Lex Luger Has A Stroke
When asked to explain why he let everyone down, lost the World Heavyweight Championship back to the nWo and retroactively wasted a bunch of perfectly good champagne, Lex Luger goes full Super Brawl Saturday.
“Last week was a starting point, a huge turning point for WCW, ’cause in the post-match celebration of my world title victory, you saw zubbayou sevateet uh ….WCW wrestlers, both friend and foe, come together as one to celebrate what happened.”
Sturgis is a great place to visit, but you shouldn’t drink the water. Because it is gasoline.
Best: Blood Works Hot
Last week, Wrath and The Barbarian had a way too short but still kinda fun hoss fight. This week, Wrath takes on the Pokémon evolution of The Barbarian, MENG. They still don’t get much time, but they work fast without any filler and just suplex each other until it’s time to stop. I’m into it.
Meng wins with the Tongan Death Grip but won’t relinquish it, which brings out Mortis. That brings out Barb, and we’ve got TONGANS VS. MONSTERS. This is to set up the Faces of Fear vs. Mortis and Wrath for Fall Brawl, which (spoiler alert) is the second time in a few months the Blood Runs Cold guys bust ass and end up stealing the show.
Honestly, they steal this show, too. Wrath vs. Meng is fun, and then Mortis gets a few minutes to wrestle Ultimo Dragon for the TV title.
Of all the matches I’ve seen on NItro in 1997, this is the one I wish was longer. It’s criminally short, and they’ve got such an easy chemistry together I wonder why the hell Ultimo Dragon was never considered for Blood Runs Cold. You’ve got a faction of karate guys and you’re not including “the last student of Bruce Lee?” Is there any way we can go back in time and let me book a WMAC Masters-ass 205 Live show for the WCW karate dudes?
Also, a supplementary Best to Mortis for breaking out one of the coolest minor variations of a suplex I’ve ever seen, a Northern Lights suplex with a leg hook. He takes him over like a Northern Lights, then snatches up the leg. Tony calls it a “fisherman suplex,” but it’s dope. How great would Mortis have been as a TV Champion? Or as ANY champion? Chris Kanyon never held a singles championship in WCW. He didn’t win one of those (the United States Championship) until he had to do it on a Smackdown. Total bullshit.
Lee? Is … Is Something Wrong?
Lee Marshall calls in from Birmingham, Alabama, where he’s eating a rib dinner at a Nitro Party (?) and he .. doesn’t make a weasel joke. Lee Marshall does not make a weasel joke during this edition of On The Road. He sorta loses track of what he’s saying when he’s setting up a bit about Tuxedo Junction, so I hope he had one prepared and just botched it. Maybe he’s mad about not getting to go to the biker rally and is just mailing it in?
I’m not sure why this bothers me so much. I hope he works in two next week.
Worst: Chris Jericho’s Big Swing
Maybe I live in a world with Claudio Castagnoli and am spoiled beyond understanding, but this is one of the worst giant swings I’ve ever seen. Eddie Guerrero tries to block the Liontamer (or whatever), so Jericho swings him around 3 1/2 times, and they both sell dizziness for like a minute. The crowd turns on it completely and starts chanting “boring.”
We’re still about half a year from Jericho’s heel turn, which is insane. The guy’s always been better as a heel, sure, but the instant difference in how interesting a wrestler is going from Lionheart Chris Jericho to Conspiracy Victim Crybaby Hair Metal Weirdo Thief Chris Jericho is maybe the all-time biggest jump. The guy goes from Alex Wright’s boring dickless American equivalent to one of the greatest of all time in like, a heartbeat. It can’t come soon enough.
+1 to Eddie Guerrero for murdering him with one of the most heinous, long-distance frog splashes to the face you’ll ever see, though:
Worst: Ric Flair Still Can’t Figure This Out
Ric Flair shows up in like, a shawl and asks Curt Hennig if he’s in the Four Horsemen or not. Apparently courting a guy for a month and not getting a straight answer from him while you watch him constantly beat up Diamond Dallas Page and hand wins to the New World Order isn’t clear enough for him. Hennig still won’t answer, saying that he’s in tonight’s main event against Macho Man Randy Savage and “has a lot on his mind,” so he won’t say if he is or isn’t a Horseman. Seriously, Flair should’ve just nodded and pointed and Benoit and Mongo should’ve lit Hennig up.
The best part is that they’re asking the question because they saw Hennig talking to Eric Bischoff backstage. Hennig doesn’t even deny it, and says he “has business” with Bischoff. CAN ANYONE FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT BUSINESS MIGHT BE? MAYBE WE’LL FIND OUT IF WE PUT HENNIG ON OUR TEAM IN THE ENCLOSED CAGE MATCH AGAINST ERIC BISCHOFF’S TEAM.
As The Halliburton Turns
After several weeks of asking Dean Malenko to be his partner and watch his back against the Four Horsemen, Jeff Jarrett got himself intentionally eliminated in a tag team match at Road Wild so Malenko would have to go it alone and get his ass kicked by two guys. As plans go, it’s not the best.
So they have a grudge match on Nitro, which is a ton of fun because (1) hyped-up Dean Malenko is pretty much the greatest wrestler ever, and (2) Jeff Jarrett suddenly has MASSIVE heat from Nitro crowds. I thought it was just the fact that he looked like that at a biker rally that did it, but he’s getting as big a reaction here as anyone on the show. He’s also wearing his rare “gold star” gear variant, which is like his classic white suspenders but he’s also done his reading homework.
I’d give this a Best, but it suffers from the same “who is on what side” infinite logic problem that every Horseman segment seems to have right now. Mongo and Benoit are face or heel depending on the segment. Flair is detached from everyone and kind of a default babyface because he’s weird and old and funny, but was a heel against Piper. That made Mongo and Benoit heels. But they were also feuding with Jeff Jarrett, who the heels kicked out of their heel group, making him a … heel. So Mongo and Jarrett feuded, face Malenko and heel Eddie Guerrero feuded, and Jarrett eventually asked Malenko to be his partner. Then Jarrett swerved him and left him to get beaten up by Mongo and Benoit as .. faces? I think?
So here, Jarrett is the face and Malenko is the heel. Jarrett tries to run, so Mongo stops him. Malenko has the match won with a Texas Cloverleaf, but Guerrero runs out and attacks him, causing a DQ. That brings Mongo back out, who runs off the heels and celebrates. Then, MALENKO ATTACKS MONGO. And when that’s done, Mongo is like, “HE’S TOUGH, I LIKE THAT!”
A few segments later, Mongo and Benoit are heels again when they’re wrestling the Steiner Brothers. This is a photo of Mongo taking an overhead belly-to-belly suplex, which should not happen.
Join Us At WCWWrestling.com For Mark Madden Talking To Members Of Harlem Heat
Best/Worst: J.J. Dillon Is Deaf And Dumb
Executive Head of Literally Nothing James J. Dillon offered Sting a contract to face Curt Hennig. Sting tore it up. Dillon’s next negotiating tactic: offer Sting a match against a(nother) nWo member. Syxx. Sting tears up the contract again, and Dillon is like, TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, STING, I’M GETTING MIXED MESSAGES. The crowd chants “HO-GAN, HO-GAN, HO-GAN” while Sting points at them, and J.J.’s in there like, “d’oh well, I guess we’ll never know.”
Worst: So How Do You Think That Curt Hennig Main Event Played Out?
If you guessed, “with the nWo beating up Diamond Dallas Page for some reason,” congratulations, you’ve been watching Nitro.
They only get a few minutes before the post-match stuff begins, and man, how much do you want to see Macho Man Randy Savage vs. Mr. Perfect in 1989 instead of 1997? But yeah, Page shows up to attack Hennig, Macho attacks Page, Scott Hall joins in, and Luger shows up to even the odds after the legally required “several elbow drops” beatdown Page has to get every couple of weeks to keep his ribs taped. This is all to set up another tag team match at Fall Brawl with a finish that will definitely spell the beginning of the end for the nWo.
Join us next week for … well, basically this again. We’re only two weeks away from Spot-gate, though, so look forward to that.
