WWE.com Reports Dean Ambrose Is ‘Missing’ And ‘Significantly Injured’

Dean Ambrose is missing, or at least he in according to WWE.com. During last night’s episode of Monday Night Raw, former Shield-mate and BFF Seth Rollins (the ersatz Snake Plissken of WWE) curb-stomped Ambrose (the ersatz Charlie Kelly of WWE) into a pile of ring-regulation cinder blocks, causing “pretty significant head and cervical spine trauma,” according to WWE medical personnel. The extent of his injuries are unknown, because, well…no one can find him.

Dr. Amann went on to say that Ambrose’s exact injuries could not be determined thanks to his refusal of treatment, and further tests are impossible at this time as WWE trainers simply cannot find the notoriously unstable former U.S. Champion.

“At the time of bringing him backstage, he was responsive and was refusing transport to a local medical facility for further evaluation,” said Amann. “He had removed the straps and surgical collar, said he refused to go and we haven’t seen him since.” – WWE.com

So where the heck is Dean Ambrose? Is he laying in wait in the Starbucks next to Seth Rollins’ house, knowing Seth loves Pumpkin Spice Lattes and will drop his guard when making sure the barista puts on extra whipped cream? Is he taking some time away from his constant pursuit of Rollins to explore his entrepreneurial dreams? Maybe he’s gone to Hollywood to play the part of a police officer who finds himself trapped inside his own precinct and hunted after crooked cops stop at nothing to recover incriminating evidence of illegal activities against those closest to him.

Naw. That one’s too far-fetched.

All I know is that while kayfabe injury storylines make me feel a bit squicky, and I’d like Ambrose to stay on my television/totally not borrowed WWE Network account, I will wholeheartedly embrace this approach to explaining why Dean isn’t around on Monday nights. I will especially accept a full remake of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? wherein Dean Ambrose – unstable rogue, Money in the Bank briefcase thief – is pursued by Detective Seth Rollins – intrepid investigator, Money in the Bank winner, Pumpkin Spice Latte enthusiast. Can you imagine Ambrose taunting Rollins from Liberty Island, only to put the entire Statue of Liberty INTO the stolen MitB briefcase, then disappear halfway across the world?

Oh my god what are even doing messing around with movies just do that please.