If you’re looking to save money on WWE’s upcoming TLC event, you’re in luck! They’ve partnered with coupon company Groupon to offer $50 tickets, as well as like four weeks of hot yoga classes, probably.
Okay, while the yoga thing is a lie, the tickets are definitely real. The accompanying copy designed to entice people poking around for 30 percent off of that one Indian place at the mall into going to a wrestling show is fantastic. Let’s check out the description for the event:
Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, Big Show, and more clobber each other over several bouts involving props and furniture.
I love how this makes it seem like those three have to fight each other over the course of the evening, like some brutal Ashley Home Store gauntlet. For the record, wrestling in furniture stores is totally my jam, and I wouldn’t put it past Ambrose to chase someone around with a drill trying to get at their Lucky Charms. We all know this (sadly) isn’t the case. As much as I am fully prepared to write an entire pay-per-view devoted to WWE Superstars and Divas trying to assemble an entire IKEA living room set FOR FREE (hmu, Vince), I feel the audience for that would be… incredibly niche.
But who are these three men ready to beat the sh*t out of one another in a classic Pier 1 Imports brawl?
Who’s wrestling: the verbally intense Roman Reigns, unhinged, condiment-slinging Dean Ambrose, the literally gigantic Big Show, and many other colorful personalities.
I love this description. First of all, I don’t think Roman Reigns has ever been (or been referred to as) verbally intense… ever? For any reason? If you read it quickly, it’s like ‘unhinged’ is a wrestler himself, like NAILZ. And who doesn’t like shoehorning in a good NAILZ reference when they can? Also? The Big Show? Literally gigantic. LITERALLY. I want all WWE descriptions to be like this. The literally funeral directing Undertaker. The literally bearded Luke Harper. The literally jerking off his own arm Roman Reigns. The literally Mexican Kalisto… actually, maybe skip that one.
