It’s Hell Week here at With Spandex, and we’re bringing you caged content every day as a build to the pay-per-view event named after a match that’s just like a cage match, but with more cage. We plan on surrounding you with Hell in a Cell-themed content, much like the 25-foot-tall structure that surrounds the ring and ringside area. Enjoy!
It’s usually saved for the nastiest of feuds; for the most brutal endings to long-standing programs. But there have been plenty of individuals who never made it into the [Jim Ross voice] “perverse, diabolical, unforgiving structure”.
Rikishi, Ted DiBiase Jr., Jack Swagger, and Ryback (twice!) all got a turn. Here are five legends we wish had gotten the opportunity, and what we would have loved to see them do with it.
I like to think that if Eddie graced the demonic structure with his presence, whatever vehicle he would drive to the ring would be surrounded by a miniature Hell in a Cell, or that at least the rims themselves would have been miniature Hell in a Cells.
He would have figured out a way to lie, cheat, and steal in the Cell ,and it would have been entertaining as hell. Think his WrestleMania match with Kurt Angle where he untied his boot — but much more sadistic. And of course, it’s easy to imagine he might have attempted to one-up his bloodfest with JBL, which is already one of the most gruesome and violent matches in WWE history.
Imagine Guerrero’s program with Lesnar culminating in the Cell. Now take a walk to calm yourself down so you can finish the post; we’ve got four more to go.
Rob Van Dam
RVD might go first overall in a fantasy draft of most puzzling non-Hell in a Cell participants. He did appear in two Elimination Chambers, which are Hell in a Cell-ish, but dude would have been able to do hella corner kick flips in the Cell in addition to at least a dozen more moves we can’t think of because we’re not him.
I’m also picturing him climbing to the top of the thing using only upper arm strength. No idea what the benefit of this would be, but it would look pretty cool — and that sums up a significant portion of Van Dam’s offense, so I’m sticking with it. Dude would have figured out a way to 5-Star Frog Splash someone lying on the ceiling of the Cell by jumping from something higher than the Cell. You know it to be true.
From an obvious choice to a long-shot choice. Most Hell in a Cell combatants are either larger-than life-characters (Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle, Randy Orton) or literally large people (Kane, Big Show, Brock Lesnar).
X-Pac doesn’t fit in neatly with larger-than-life (at least not at the scale of the aforementioned people) and he certainly isn’t large. But if Sean Waltman was given a chance to show off in the Cell, I think there’s a good chance we’d all look back on it fondly.
At Armageddon in 1999, Kane and X-Pac put on a good enough show to make X-Pac my dark horse candidate here. (Also during this match Jim Ross insisted that The King stop saying so many “penis innuendos,” which of course made Lawler giggle because J.R. said the word “penis.” But back to my point.)
It’s always nice when matches that are advertised as deadly have a wild card element. Kane and X-Pac’s cage match would have been even more fun (minus the abuse of Tori) if it had been in the Cell era. Or maybe I just really want to see a Bronco Buster on the roof of the cell, okay?
Bam Bam Bigelow
The most famous man from Asbury Park, NJ was tragically not in WWE when Hell in a Cell was introduced. But when you’re this big and you do moonsaults and you wear a fire suit to the ring, you’re making this list.
WWE.com says he has “the grace of an Olympic gymnast” and, again, how in the world does Bigelow not make this list? This YouTube clip is way too long and includes too many non-essential moves (Big Boot! Back Body Drop!), but skip ahead if you’re not familiar with the man’s work:
You wanna make his WrestleMania moment with Lawrence Taylor more memorable? Put ’em in the Cell. Dang it, Vince, why didn’t you think of that thing sooner?
This sure-fire Hall of Famer won a Royal Rumble, a heavyweight title at WrestleMania, and let The Big Show swing him like a baseball bat that time at Backlash:
Survey says Rey would have been a heavenly Hell in a Cell combatant. The creativity behind Mysterio’s offense would have been super-glued to future Hell in a Cell highlight reels. To bookend this thing with the ultimate impossible fantasy booking, imagine Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero dueling away inside Hell in a Cell. Yeah, you’re right: it would have been legendary and unforgettable.
Your turn, With Spandex. Who do you wish we saw in Hell in a Cell? Drop your thoughts in the comments!