If you were able to sit through the painfully protracted questions posed to WWE’s King Barrett (Wade Barrett/Bad News Barrett in his previous, non-monarchical roles) on SportsCenter, you’d find out that the Manic Street Preachers-loving Mancunian used to play soccer until he got too tall, and he loves the Chicago Bears. Trill recognize trill, sadness recognize sadness, I guess. For those of you who don’t watch wrestling, hi! You should. Also, so you know, King Barrett is a perpetual loser who brags about everything, but has less Ws than a locked-out Charlotte Bobcats team. He also just got beat up by Wayne Rooney, because there’s no better way to make someone look like a big tough wrestler than getting weakly slapped by someone who looks like they tripped and fell out of a community production of Oliver!
Now that ESPN is doing weekly interviews and recaps of WWE Raw, it means a lot more attempts at tying real-life sports to sports entertainment. To wit, here’s Wade Barrett’s response when questioned about the authenticity of LeBron James’s nickname:
JONATHAN COACHMAN: I wanna just slow you down for a second, ‘cuz you’ve gone from Bad News Barrett, to now earlier this year, you won King of the Ring, you start calling yourself ‘King Barrett,’ you now say you’re ‘King of the world.’ But there’s another king, King LeBron James here in the States. Do you think you’re on his level?
KING BARRETT: Here’s the deal, Coach. You become a king one of two ways: It’s either a bloodline like the English royal family, or you win a prestigious tournament like the King of the Ring tournament. Now that’s how I became a king. LeBron James just goes around calling himself a king. He’s nothing. As far as I’m concerned, there’s only one king around here, and it’s me: King Barrett.
If anyone is gonna take the title of King Nothing, I’m gonna give it to the guy whose most memorable trait is never winning ever, and not the guy who is arguably the best player in the NBA.
This does bring up a great point, though: What really makes you fit to call yourself King? Sure, Barrett won his title in a tournament, but where’s the follow-through? Why can’t we feudal King? Why isn’t Barrett out here doling out his land holdings and titles to lower-card wrestlers so they can act as vassals in his name? Demanding fealty and trying to unfairly tax fans at ringside? You don’t even have a nice-looking crown, Barrett. Maybe it’s time to ssshhhh.