Previously on the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War: The Rock delivered his first heel promo, Rick Rude repeatedly reassured us that he is in fact “insurance,” and Shawn Michaels hit the Undertaker in the face with a chair so hard it made Taker cut his own face in agony.
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Up first, a look at the final In Your House to use the house set. Leave the memories alone.
Before We Begin
Here’s what you need to know about WWF In Your House: Ground Zero, the best pay-per-view named after the site of a bombing until WWE decides to run an Impact Wrestling One Night Only.
Stone Cold Steve Austin Has Officially Started Raising Hell
Have you ever wondered when Stone Cold Steve Austin stopped being a cold, calculating psychopath and dedicated his life to drinking beers and hitting his finisher on anything that moved? In Your House: Ground Zero is the answer. With Austin on the shelf for a few months due to the neck injury he suffered at SummerSlam, Austin’s booking has evolved from “politically motivated assassinations” to “arrive, raise Hell, leave.”
The first Stunner of the show happens early on, when Sgt. Slaughter announces that Austin and Dude Love will have to hand over the Tag Team Championship. Austin’s response: “I want you to blow it out your ass!” Sarge gets the belts, but Jim Ross runs afoul of Austin’s misguided FINISHER RAGE by wishing him a speedy recovery and gets Stunnered so hard it sends his hat flying. The crowd loves it, and Vince is audibly noticing. Later in the show, JR has an amazing backstage bit where he’s like FUCK THE SON OF A BITCH. “They can kiss my 3:16 ass is what they can do!” So good.
Later in the show, Austin accidentally helps the Headbangers win the tag titles — nooooo — by showing up to drop a Stunner on Owen Hart. The bad news: the Headbangers are Tag Team Champions. The good news: the Legion of Doom vs. Godwinns feud can continue for several more months.
Wait.
Brian Pillman Is Now Legally Allowed To Kidnap And Rape Goldust’s Wife For A Month (?)
By winning one (1) wrestling match with the use of one (1) purse with a brick in it, Brian Pillman is now entitled to the “services” of Marlena for a month. You’d think that would mean she’d have to like, manage his career and accompany him to the ring for guidance for a month, but nope, he gets to force her to have sex with him and it’s legally on-the-level.
One point of clarification here: due to Pillman’s death a little less than a month later, the angle doesn’t end the way it’s supposed to, which doesn’t retroactively explain why this is all okay like it’s supposed to. Okay, remember when Triple H appeared to drug Stephanie McMahon and somehow legally and bindingly marry her in a Las Vegas wedding chapel drive-through despite her clearly being unconscious? It turned out that Stephanie was evil and in on it the whole time as a way to mess with her dad. So while it didn’t make sense at the time, it came around. The Pillman/Marlena services angle was supposed to end with Marlena actually leaving Goldust for Pillman, with the idea being that they’d set up the whole thing to mess with him. We never got to that part, so … yeah. Not great, Bob.
There Was An El Torito In WWE Before The Los Matadores One, Did You Know That
With the women’s division completely toast, The Great Sasuke fired and the light heavyweight division faltering, 1997 WWE’s great idea for mid-program snacking was, “bring back the midgets.”
Mascarita Sagrada, Jr. returns repackaged as Max Mini, who is the maximum miniature. He’s great, but all of his matches are exactly the same. He does some high-flying stuff, his bigger opponent knocks him down a few times while Jerry Lawler practically orgasms short jokes, and then he hits a roll-up and wins. He gets a few pay-per-view matches, including one at Badd Blood that’s a depressing fill-in for Goldust vs. Pillman, but after a match at the Royal Rumble the WWF’s like, “woof, why do we keep doing this,” and relegates them to WWF Super Astros until they get tired of Mexico completely.
Mostly just wanted to point out that they think “the little bull” is the funniest mini gimmick. Read the sentence, “WHAT IF THERE WAS A LITTLE BULL” in Vince McMahon’s voice. It’s so natural sounding, right? It’s also how they book every hour of Raw.
Bret Hart Is Still WWF Champion, In Case You Thought Maybe You’d Missed A Patriot Title Run
This photo should be in the dictionary next to “pro wrestling.”
The Undertaker Hit His First-Ever Dive
The Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker main event makes those convoluted Sid matches look like they happened on World of Sport. This thing’s got more ref bumps than it’s got wrestling moves. There are like four refs, half a dozen ref bumps, interference from everyone who’d eventually be in D-Generation X, the locker room clearing out at the end, the works. With all the pre and post-match stuff surrounding it it ends up going almost an hour, and the crowd is just completely blown out from sensory overload by the end. And then The Undertaker dives.
On the bright side, all this chaos and interference necessitates a gimmick match that would change the course of the company. So there’s that.
And now, the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War for September 8, 1997.
Best: It Probably Wasn’t A Good Idea To Tell Austin He Had To Give Up The Intercontinental Championship Too
Everyone loves The Rock’s ridiculous backwards rolls, but my favorite sell of the Stunner ever is Sgt. Slaughter’s. Look at that thing. It’s beautiful. Sarge lifts his legs when Austin’s sitting down, so he’s completely horizontal at the point of impact. It looks like it KILLS him, and based on the fact that nobody else sells it like that, it probably does.
Sarge is like, “I can’t let Austin wrestle until he has medical clearance, so we’re going to have a tournament for the IC title,” and Austin’s response is, “I AM GOING TO LITERALLY SLAUGHTER YOU.” This leads to Vince and Austin getting into each other’s faces for one of the first times, Austin joining the commentary table and refusing to leave, then stands on the table with the Intercontinental strap over his head while the crowd goes apeshit. There’s even a great shot of an exasperated Vince McMahon watching it all go down, throwing back his head like, “aw, here it goes.”
Join us next week when Gerald Brisco reveals that Stone Cold Steve Austin MUST be stripped of his jorts and Austin runs over him to death with a four-wheeler.
The first match of the night is Bret Hart vs. Real American Hero The Man They Call Vader, which ends with Bret getting hoist by his own petard and smashed into an exposed turnbuckle he’d previously exposed and tried to use. Vader’s about to win the match with a Vader Bomb when the Hart Foundation attacks, which brings out Vader’s … friend? The Patriot. The Hart Foundation beats him down and tries to break his neck with a piledriver onto a steel chair, so anti-broken neck enthusiast but vehement neck hurter Stone Cold Steve Austin runs back out to run them off.
It’s a good match while it lasts, and if you’ve been watching the World Wrestling Federation for the entirety of 1996 and 1997, you should be very, very used to “the match was really good and then the finish was bullshit.” Also pretty much any other year of the WWF without a Hogan at the top of it.
Worst: I Want To See This Remade With Fandango And Tyler Breeze, Not Gonna Lie
So as mentioned, the point of the Marlena and Brian Pillman stuff is that Marlena’s in on it, acting like she isn’t, and will eventually drop the bombshell on Goldust to leave him for Brian. Also as mentioned, that part of the angle never gets to happen, so we’re left with these weird home movies of Brian Pillman in his underwear cutting promos in a messy hotel room about how much fun he’s having sexually assaulting Goldust’s wife with World Wrestling Federation permission.
Fun note: As it turns out, and spoiler alert if you’re interested in finding out how this unfolds weekly, Goldust handles the mandated separation by finding a new girlfriend who’ll let him wear a ball gag and nipple claps, pulling a reverse Mark and Lisa in The Room and dumping Marlena after Pillman dies. Fun for the whole family!
Best: Castration Excesivo
For now, thought, Goldust is so enraged by the videos that he sacrifices his first round match in the Intercontinental Championship tournament to punch Owen Hart in the dick a bunch. That’s how he loses the match: via repeated ball punches. Goldie hits an inverted atomic drop and is like, “hey, that felt cathartic,” so he uppercuts Owen in the crotch. The referee even lets it go, because I guess the Hart Foundation deserves a nut punch or two out of principal, so Goldust grounds him and cock-wallops him three more times. Hey man, Owen Hart’s not the rapist, they just have matching jackets!
The Hart Foundation of course comes to Owen’s rescue, which of course brings out Stone Cold Steve Austin. Austin’s weapon of choice? A broom. Because he’s cleaning house, get it? It’s worth it just for moment after the fight when Austin pantomimes sweeping and throws the broom at Vince, who is already sick of this:
Enjoy these little moments, Vince, the next four years are gonna be rough.
Worst: The Godwinns Have Pinned The Tag Team Champions!
The night after winning the Tag Team Championship, The Headbangers are scheduled to face the two jobbiest jobbers you’ve ever seen. They’re such jobbers they don’t get names, I can’t find out who they are on any wrestling resource, and they’re thrown out of the ring by the Godwinns before (1) their faces are shown on screen, and (2) the Headbangers actually show up for the match. So instead, we get a non-title match between the new champs and the Godwinns. Which the champs lose. What is this, Raw?
Wait.
To make things even better, the Godwinns win because of the appearance of a mysterious THIRD Godwinn, who is eventually revealed to be “Uncle Cletus.” Literally a slack-jawed yokel. In a previous lifetime he was USWA and Smoky Mountain Wrestling’s Tony Anthony, aka the DIRTY WHITE BOY, the only wrestler cool enough to be named after a Foreigner track. Unless Papa Shango’s original name was the “Soul Doctor.” WWF fans probably know him best as T.L. Hopper, pro wrestling plumber. If you don’t remember Cletus, don’t feel bad … he’s only around for about a month, and then it’s back to waiting for a girl like you on the Tennessee indies.
Worst: Mick Foley Dancing Is Me Whenever I’m Around Someone I Find Attractive
Dude Love is supposed to face Brian Pillman, but Pillman’s off on Tommy Lee’s boat so the match is canceled. Instead, he dances with Sunny. And honestly? I don’t think I’ve ever identified more with a pro wrestler than I do watching Mick Foley dance.
Best: Jerry Lawler Thinks Piratita Morgan Is JR-Cito
A long time ago, I wrote this about Max Mini:
He’s great, but all of his matches are exactly the same. He does some high-flying stuff, his bigger opponent knocks him down a few times while Jerry Lawler practically orgasms short jokes, and then he hits a roll-up and wins.
That happens again on Raw, with Max squaring off against Piratita Morgan. He’s a pirate, and Jerry Lawler thinks he looks like Jim Ross, which is wonderful. This all comes full circle in 2003 when Lawler’s there to see Jim Ross win the “capture the midget” contest on Raw Roulette.
Piratita — the announcers call him PAREETA Morgan, because if they can’t phonetically pronounce “Taka Michinoku” there’s no WAY they’re wrapping their brains around “Piratita” — is one of the 60,000 Mexican wrestlers to call themselves “Virus,” and just to note it, is way too tall for the minis division. Still, a Max Mini match is a Max Mini match. You could’ve put him in the ring with Andre the Giant and it would’ve been knock him down, knock him down, whoops, Andre got rolled up a 3-foot tall Long John Silvers container and got pinned.
Best: Oh Word?
According to the announce team, due to the crazy outside interference and chaotic non-stop ref bumpage, Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker will square off in “what we’re calling” Hell in a Cell. The very first one. It’s a specially designed steel cage match with a top on it! Specially designed by Dusty Rhodes in 1987 when he created War Games but …
Seriously though, the first Hell in a Cell would’ve been the match of the year if it hadn’t existed in the same year as the Submission Match at WrestleMania 13 and Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio at Halloween Havoc, so I can’t wait to watch it again. Plus, we finally get to meet this little firestarter-ass Undertaker brother we keep hearing so much about!
Worst: Maybe The Worst Raw Match Ever
It takes a lot to be a worse match than the Great Trish Stratus and Bradshaw vs. Jackie Gayda and Christopher Nowinski Debacle of 2002, but for pure nightmarish futility, it doesn’t get much worse than Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. The Patriot vs. Savio Vega.
The match is supposed to involve the British Bulldog, but Helmsley and Shawn Michaels beat him down during his entrance and try to break his leg with a steel chair. You’d think that’d just make the match Helmsley vs. The Patriot, or Helmsley vs. The Patriot vs. somebody else from the Hart Foundation to keep the “one guy from each side” vibe going, but nope, it’s Savio Vega. Because Savio won a triple threat match at In Your House, which makes him the “master of triple threats,” and he just so happened to be on commentary for a magical undisclosed reason.
It’s hard to even explain what’s so bad about it. You know that thing we complain about where WWE will do a triple threat match, and one guy will get tossed out of the ring and lie there unconscious for no reason so the other two guys can have a one-on-one match for a while, and then they switch? I think this one match is why that’s the only way they do it. In this one, all three guys stand in a triangle in the middle of the ring the entire match, aimlessly punching each other. That’s the entire match. And it gets SEVENTEEN MINUTES. The crowd starts booing nearfalls because they want it to end. There have been worse matches, obviously, but this shit’s like that 9-minute living room take from Funny Games.
Helmsley eventually wins when — get this — the referee gets bumped and Shawn Michaels interferes. After the match, Helmsley, Michaels and Chyna all grab chairs and stand off with Los Boricuas and the nationalist super-team of Vader and the Patriot.
I’d say find this match and watch it to see how bad it is, but honestly? Don’t. Do anything else with 17 minutes of your life. Sit still staring at the wall for 17 minutes, at least you’ll accidentally meditate and get more of a thrill than watching this match. It ends up crippling the entire episode, and Raw seriously should’ve been forced to take two more weeks off as punishment for doing it.
Next Week: The black separatist group teams up with the white army guys from South Africa in a well-thought-out move, Marlena becomes a Suicide Girl, and Raw legend MR. LUCKY debuts. All this and not much else, next week on the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War!
