WWE Raw Results 3/24/14

If you’d like to know what happened on tonight’s WWE Raw but don’t want to read move-by-move recaps or wordy paragraphs of exposition to decipher it, With Leather is here for you. Here’s what happened on the March 24, 2014.

WWE Raw Results:

– The show began with Stephanie McMahon, Batista and Randy Orton arguing in the ring. Stephanie slapped Batista, then Batista speared Orton.

1. Christian defeated Dolph Ziggler, Sheamus and Alberto Del Rio to become #1 Contender to the Intercontinental Championship. This was a fatal fourway match. Christian pinned Dolph Ziggler after a Killswitch to win an exciting opener.

2. Sin Cara defeated Damien Sandow. Sin Cara won a squash with a swanton bomb. Sin Cara was accompanied to the ring by Scooby-Doo.

3. Los Matadores defeated Curtis Axel and Ryback. Rybaxel was distracted by The Shield walking down to ringside, causing him to get rolled up and pinned. After the match, The Shield took out Axel and triple-powerbombed Ryback.

– Triple H had an in-ring interview with Michael Cole about his actions at the end of last week’s show. H spoke about soft, lazy nerds, declared this the beginning of the “Reality Era” and said he’d end Daniel Bryan’s run at WrestleMania.

4. Cody Rhodes defeated Fandango. Goldust started an impromptu dance contest with Summer Rae on the outside, distracting Fandango long enough for Cody to hit a Disaster Kick and get the pin.

– Hulk Hogan put over WrestleMania and palled around with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Joe Manganiello to promote the upcoming film Sabotage. The Miz interrupted, and everybody beat him up.

5. Big Show defeated Titus O’Neil. Show won with a KO punch.

6. John Cena vs. Luke Harper was a no contest. Or Cena won by disqualification, either way. Harper dominated most of the match. Cena went for an Attitude Adjustment and the Wyatt Family BLEARP! and darkness interrupted. When the lights came back on, Cena was tied in the ropes, seemingly unconscious, wearing a lamb mask.

7. Naomi defeated AJ Lee. AJ took a purposeful count-out loss but retained the title. After the match, Vickie Guerrero showed up, called AJ a bitch and put her in a WrestleMania match against every Diva on the roster.

– Razor Ramon was announced as the next inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame class of 2014.

8. The Shield (Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose) defeated The Real Americans. Rollins pinned Swagger after the Piece of Mind, his running pushing stomp to the back of the head. After the match Cesaro attacked Rollins, but Roman Reigns stepped in, Superman Punching and spearing Cesaro. The Shield then put Cesaro through a table with a triple powerbomb. That brought out Kane, who announced The Shield vs. himself and the New Age Outlaws at WrestleMania.

– The show ended with Brock Lesnar calling out the Undertaker. That brought out a bunch of druids pushing a coffin to the ring. Brock was initially afraid to open it, but when he did, it was empty. Brock closed it in frustration, but WHOOPS UNDERTAKER WAS ACTUALLY IN IT AFTER ALL. Taker punched Brock a bunch and clotheslined him out of the ring over the casket.