Welcome to the assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, wherein we take real Smackdown spoilers from somewhere else, copy-and-paste them here and jump to a bunch of conclusions about them. To get the full effect of the column, read everything I typed in Mauro Ranallo’s voice.
On his week’s show … man, you already know what happens.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(note: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
1. Roman Reigns defeated Rusev. If you’re writing an episode of Smackdown, you need two things: a show-opener ending in a disqualification to set up a tag team main-event, and Roman Reigns winning more than one match. Roman wins by DQ when Alberto Del Rio interferes, and they set up Roman and Dean Ambrose vs. Rusev and Del Rio for the main. The sound you hear is me shaking WWE by the shoulders.
2. Kalisto defeated Kevin Owens. Owens not only loses, he loses a non-title match. You can practically hear the WWE Hall of Fame music playing in the background this is so prestigious. Dolph Ziggler helps Kalisto win, so Owens beats up both of them after the match. You have never seen any of this before.
3. Ryback defeated Erick Rowan. Ryback has a new look that will make WWE crowds chant “Goldberg” at him less often:
4. AJ Styles defeated The Miz. Styles won with the Calf Killer, because I don’t think anyone trusts Miz in a Styles Clash. Chris Jericho cuts a promo after the match setting up a rematch between him and Styles for next week. Jericho was wearing a polo with the collar popped and assless leather pants. Note: I don’t know what he was wearing, but you’d believe that, wouldn’t you.
– Brock Lesnar will be on next week’s episode to win via DQ, then win a tag match later in the night.
5. The New Day defeated The Social Outcasts. I want these ridiculous promos in my life.
6. Charlotte defeated Alicia Fox. Charlotte continues the red hot Brie Bella feud by beating the most important person in Brie’s life who isn’t already severely injured.
7. Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns defeated Alberto Del Rio and Rusev.