Welcome to this week’s Smackdown spoilers report. If you haven’t checked these out before, here’s the gimmick: we read somebody else’s Smackdown spoilers, jump to a bunch of pessimistic conclusions without having seen it to lower the bar and improve our viewing experience. Note: our viewing experience may include, “not watching Smackdown.”
This week’s episode features an unexpected title change as the cream filling inside the Smackdown Oreo.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
– If you were wondering how different Smackdown would be on the USA Network, here’s how this week’s show is structured: Dean Ambrose opens the show with a promo, Sheamus interrupts, Sheamus and Kevin Owens beat up Ambrose, Neville makes the save, and that sets up Ambrose and Neville vs. Kevin Owens and Sheamus for the main-event. Smackdown should have a marching band that starts playing every time a show-opening fight sets up a tag main-event.
Note: this also sets up Ambrose vs. Owens in a Last Man Standing match at Royal Rumble.
1. Tables Match: The Dudley Boyz defeated Luke Harper and Erick Rowan. The Wyatts attack the Dudleys after the match, putting them through a bunch of tables. Hopefully this will set up eight to 10 more Dudley Boyz/Wyatt Family matches for the next three weeks.
2. The Social Outcasts defeated Jack Swagger, Zack Ryder, Goldust and Damien Sandow. Finally, a group has risen to challenge the dominance of the Social Outcasts! I hope they gave Jack Swagger a magician gimmick and used that as an excuse for Sandow being on TV two times in a week. Bo won the match for the Outcasts by pinning Ryder, but apparently knocked Slater off the ring in the process, and if they’re already doing Social Outcast breakup stories I swear to God.
3. United States Championship Match: Alberto Del Rio defeated Kalisto (c). Yes, folks, you read that right. Only a day after winning the United States Championship in a great match on Raw, Kalisto loses it back to Alberto Del Rio by submission, with an assist from King Barrett. Is there a way to blame this on Sin Cara?
4. Becky Lynch defeated Brie Bella. Can we let Foxy wrestle a few of these matches? Becky defeats Brie with the Disarmer — I can’t type “dis-arm-her,” I just can’t — but don’t worry: Brie will be back to challenge every available Diva in every Divas match.
5. Dean Ambrose and Neville vs. Kevin Owens and Sheamus was a no contest. The match ended when both teams brawled outside the ring. Imagine the Ambrose/Sheamus match from Raw with the Kevin Owens post-match attack, but with Neville hanging around for some reason. Ambrose and Neville hit their finishers on Owens to send the crowd home happy, and it’s pretty impressive that two guys can beat “All” so easily.
That’s the show. R.I.P. Kalisto’s title reign, 2016-less than 24 hours later in 2016.