The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report For March 31, 2016

You know a show’s gonna be good when Erick Rowan is in the header!

Every week, we jump to a bunch of conclusions about Smackdown spoilers even though we haven’t seen the show. This week’s edition comes to you a little early, courtesy of the WWE roster needing to be in Texas as soon as possible.

What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)

– As a heads up, this is the go-home Smackdown before WrestleMania, which is why it was taped before Raw. That also means it’s more or less a glorified episode of Superstars, and that roughly 60% of the show is recap videos and reminders that WrestleMania’s happening.

1. AJ Styles defeated Heath Slater. WWE’S HILLFOLK COLLIDE! Styles wins a match that couldn’t have a lot in it because Chris Jericho had to accept Styles’ challenge a little later that same night on Raw. Heath Slater cut a promo about how the Social Outcasts are winning the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, and let’s all take a second to think about how great/funny it’d be if that huge statue read, “Cesaro, The Big Show, The Social Outcasts.”

2. D-Von Dudley defeated Jey Uso. Did I say “glorified?” D-Von wins with a spinebuster, causing 2K Games to yell “FINALLY” at their televisions and give him a finish that isn’t from Reverend D-Von’s moveset.

3. Dean Ambrose defeated Erick Rowan. Rowan gave Ambrose a bottle of his award-winning wine to help in the fight with Brock Lesnar. Not really, but of course Ambrose wins with Dirty Deeds. Bray Wyatt and Braun Strowman walked Rowan out onto the stage, but weren’t at ringside for the actual match. That Wyatt Family momentum keeps a-rollin’.

And, amazingly, that’s our show.