WWE SummerSlam 2014 Predictions, Analysis And Shameful Cheerleading For Stephanie McMahon

WWE SummerSlam 2014 airs this Sunday, August 17, live on the WWE Network. It’s the BIGGEST PARTY OF THE SUMMER. In addition to that party, several wrestling matches will occur. Here’s what we think will happen in them.

WWE SummerSlam 2014 Card:

1. WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: John Cena (c) defeats Brock Lesnar

2. Bray Wyatt vs. Chris Jericho (Note: Erick Rowan and Luke Harper are banned from ringside.)

3. Brie Bella vs. Stephanie McMahon

4. Flag Match: Jack Swagger vs. Rusev

5. WWE Divas Championship Match: AJ Lee (c) vs. Paige

6. Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns

7. Intercontinental Championship Match: The Miz (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler

8. Lumberjack Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins

And Now, Our With Spandex Staff Predictions:

WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: John Cena (c) vs. Brock Lesnar

What Should Happen: Brock Lesnar should eat John Cena for lunch. John Cena should be a Jimmy John’s sub and Brock should just literally eat him in front of everyone. I’m with Paul Heyman on the value of reintroducing selectivity and rarity to the WWE Championship, and a part-timer with the legitimacy and kayfabe street-cred of Lesnar is really the best time to do it. He’s not winning the WWE Championship and going off to make movies. He’s winning it and only defending it when there’s something or someone worth defending it against. I think that’s pretty cool. Then again, I have an attention span. Not expecting the dad at the WWE show in the John Cena shirt to feel me on that, but different strokes for different folks and all that.

What Will Happen: John Cena Attitude Adjustments Randy Orton onto Kane and pins Brock Lesnar to retain the championship. He cuts an emotional promo about how he’ll never leave, then misses 4 of the next 6 weeks to be “muscleman with a heart of gold” in Judd Apatow’s next Successful Caucasian fanfiction.

Honestly though? I don’t know. I can’t ever pick against Cena, but a title change here kinda needs to happen. I think the only truly compelling narrative Cena has left is his desire to be the greatest champion of all time, and if he loses the belt to Lesnar at reign #15 and can’t ever seem to put it together to regain it and tie Flair on the all-time list, that’s something. That would also require Cena to be human and legitimately vulnerable, so yeah, no, Cena beats Brock here and the cycle begins anew.

Staff Picks:

Danielle Matheson – Probably significantly less piss and vomit than promised, which I might actually be pretty okay with. Realistically, I don’t much care for either of these dudes. If Lesnar wins we get six more months of John Cena overcoming the odds, and if Cena loses wrestling is fake. Either way I’ll probably just go back to mainlining Brooklyn Nine-Nine before the match is halfway done.

David D. – The build has been great, but all of this only serves to illuminate just how dumb it was for Cena to beat Lesnar at Extreme Rules two years ago as part of a LOSING STREAK ANGLE. Just like then, all common sense points to Lesnar winning, and it was supposedly in his contract somewhere that he’d have a title run at some point. So my prediction is Cena Attitude Adjusts Lesnar on top of Heyman on top of that contract on top of Dana White to win. Then he wears Lesnar’s intestines around his neck on RAW.

Jessica Hudnall – In a perfect world, some kid gets to go home with John Cena’s severed head as a souvenir. What I want to happen is Brock just pastes Cena for about fifteen minutes and then eats his face (That’s his favorite food, in case you weren’t aware). If a single odd gets over camed, I’ll be mildly upset, I tell you.

Nathan Birch – Oh God, Brock Lesnar had better goddamn win, but everything I know to be true about WWE programming make me think this is going to be an overcome the odds victory for Cena. Couldn’t Cena have thrown Brock through a spotlight or unleashed some diverticulitis Photoshop laffs on Raw to make me feel more confident? I dunno, I think I have to do it, guys — Cena wins.

Austin Heiberg – Every once in a while, the bad guy has to win. You know why people aren’t buying Superman comics these days? It’s because Superman wins every fight he gets into five seconds before it begins. There’s no drama in that. No tension. You never go anywhere if you’re holding on to the status quo for dear life. Cena has made the WWE landscape so stale that it has become 100% necessary to introduce this nuclear rage monster back into the fold. We got Lesnar back because the WWE needed to napalm everything and start over. If there is any justice here, Lesnar wins the title in total Kefka fashion, destroying the world and rebuilding it in his image.

Burnsy – Lesnar should win to switch it up a little, but I picture Cena crying and stomping his feet because Lesnar hasn’t “earned it” recently and Cena is the most important wrestler in the company, and then HHH or whoever agrees and rubs his back while whispering that it’s all going to be okay.

Bray Wyatt vs. Chris Jericho

What Should Happen: Bray Wyatt should win strongly and decisively, because he’s a young star that needs legitimacy and Jericho is a guy from a rock band who is popular and beloved no matter what he does. People don’t even REMEMBER what he does. He could show up for one week and say I HATE YOU, YOU’RE ALL ASSHOLES and the crowd would boo, but if he missed three months and showed up again they’d cheer their asses off. Keep in mind that I am endlessly frustrated with how ineffectual and pointless Bray Wyatt has seemed since WrestleMania, and that I am a curmudgeon that wants the heels to win.

What Will Happen: Nothing. That’s what I’m the most afraid of. I’m worried that Jericho’s gonna win clean again with a Codebreaker, or that Wyatt will only win when the two guys banned from ringside find a way to get to ringside. If Jericho wins, nothing happens. If Wyatt wins and there’s nothing scary or dominant about it, nothing happens. WWE’s summer has been a parade of Nothing Happens and I want it to be over.

Staff Picks:

Danielle Matheson – Bray Wyatt wins when Chris Jericho’s dad muscles collapse in on themselves, but not before Wyatt dances around with his ragdoll body because that was a great thing and oh man, remember how great Bray Wyatt used to be be?

David D. – Bray is the obvious winner here. The Wyatts can’t interfere in the match because this match has the same rules as every other regular match. Which means the Wyatts won’t interfere unless they really want to. Still, Bray wins and I have a gut feeling this will lead to a match that ends Jericho’s career.

Jessica Hudnall – What I want to happen is that some sort of purpose floats out of the ether for Bray. In my weirdo brain, Ralphus returns as the newest member of the Wyatt Family and punches Jericho’s lights out. In reality, Jericho wins and Bray skulks back to the swamp to get fitted for a pair of overalls.

Nathan Birch – Uh, no contest on account of apathy? I guess Bray Wyatt wins so Jericho can go back to playing rock star.

Austin Heiberg – Now that we’ve got a rematch, this has to be the one that Wyatt wins. He’ll do it even without Harper and Rowan, and Fozzy will have their frontman back so they can go play Download Festival or whatever. Follow the buzzards.

Burnsy – I’ll take Wyatt to win this one, because someone aside from Harper and Rowan will help him and it will shock everyone and cause many monocles to shatter.

Brie Bella vs. Stephanie McMahon

What Should Happen: Kick, wham, pedigree. Lots of mom dancing on graves.

What Will Happen: I’m using that same damn picture of Nikki Bella for this match because that’s what’s going to happen. There’s no way around it. Nikki Bella has been the reason Brie wouldn’t stop coming to Raws, and Brie coming to Raws is why Stephanie wouldn’t leave her alone. The hook here is that Nikki’s in cahoots with Steph, and has been looping Brie into these hurtful situations because 1) she’s a scumbag, and 2) Stephanie is a super heel and can’t just win the war, she has to keep winning battles.

So yeah, whatever happens will revolve around Nikki. If she’s a “good guy” (with heavy quotations), she’ll pull some Twin Magic and/or throw some bad dropkicks and help Brie beat Stephanie. If she’s with The Authority — and she totally is — she’ll be the thing that saves Stephanie and causes Brie to lose. That’s an easy transition into Brie vs. Nikki, and Stephanie can go back to being the coolest, meanest, mommest person in the world. In a perfect world, Stephanie wins when Shane McMahon puts on a brown wig and pulls off a Twin Magic of his own.

Staff Picks:

Danielle Matheson – Both are awful people, but Stephanie is often right, and is armed with logic and fully loaded arm cannons. Brie Bella has made stupid, petty, nonsense decisions and can’t words good. Stephanie McMahon hosses all over her, then has to be held back from pulling Jack Swagger from the card so she can hulk out against Rusev as well.

David D. – A lot of people are calling for Boobie Bella to turn on Brie for causing her to get her ass beat every week. I don’t think that happens. I think Brie gets a win here and we all celebrate. HHH comes out and D Bryan puts him in a choke hold until the police come and arrest him. Tune in next week when Bryan’s dog has a dog collar match with HHH’s poodle.

Jessica Hudnall – Hahahahaha, McMahon should just TRUCK Brie, like on a murderous level. Just “bell rings, kick, wham, pedigree, 1-2-3, yes chants, brie kicks rocks”. I know the actual outcome will be fifty hojillion times more stupider, but dang it, a crustacean mafioso can dream, right? But seriously, Stephanie should just claim Brie’s skull as a trophy, like a got dang Predator.

Nathan Birch – I’m hoping at one point Brie rolls to the outside the ring, pulls some Twin Magic with Nikki and Stephanie doesn’t notice her opponent is suddenly 20-pounds heavier, three cup-sizes larges and wearing a beanie with a bit Mario Bros. “N” on it. Anyways, I’m sure they’ve got this Megan Miller saga planned out until Wrestlemania, so I’ll say Steph wins here.

Austin Heiberg – Brie, because WWE babyfaces must continue to be allowed to do messed-up stuff on television. Next.

Burnsy – Stephanie will win and Brie will be humiliated in the middle of the ring. Probably because Nikki will try to help her and she’ll probably slip on a banana peel and her boobs will pop out.

Flag Match: Jack Swagger vs. Rusev

What Should Happen: Lana and Rusev realize that they’ve been on the same side all along: they both hate minorities, they both have a passionate love for their home country and they both hate Obama. Zeb’s been trying to fool himself, but come on. The match ends with Rusev and Swagger watching pre-season football while Lana and Zeb furiously make out in the background.

What Will Happen: Rusev’s gotta win this. Is WWE gonna go all the way and have the guy who had a WrestleMania built around his poor interpretation of America waving an American flag in triumph? Are we that far gone from reality? I’m picking Rusev to crush, and for the next few months to be Rusev’s “whoops, you got too big and started getting squashed by the important people” period.

Staff Picks:

Danielle Matheson – I am super into this feud, and super into hoss fights, and I hope they go fifteen minutes of tossing each other around the ring while Lana and Zeb make faces at each other through the ropes. Winner: ME

David D. – Rusev wins then gets beaten up by Hulk Hogan until we love America again. Also, Lana does a double pencil turn this time as she walks on the stage. I pay attention to these things.

Jessica Hudnall – I’m still disappointed that Lana and Zeb haven’t gotten into a pissing contest regarding the space race because I always enjoy when WWE dangles the slim possibility of Jack Swagger of Mars in front of us. I’ll go with RUSEV, CRUSH because if all else fails, he can kick the pole in half to retrieve his flag.

Nathan Birch – I fully expect I’m going to get every single prediction wrong this month, so what the hell, Jack Swagger wins. A flag match is a vague, convoluted enough stipulation that Rusev can lose without really losing, and he has to lose sometime. I mean, what other super pro-America guy is there out there to serve him his first loss? John Cena I suppose, but does he have to deflower every new monster heel?

Austin Heiberg – Swagger HAS to win here, right? Rusev had himself a wonderful streak, but it would just be BONKERS not to end it here. Unless they actually do a Vladmir Putin run-in, then they have every right to continue the streak forever.

Burnsy – I so don’t care about this stupid match. Why, oh, why can’t the WWE evolve beyond this tired ass gimmick and do something that is actually interesting and fresh? Whatever, go USA, I guess. Swagger.

WWE Divas Championship Match: AJ Lee (c) vs. Paige

What Should Happen: FRENEMIES

What Will Happen: FRIENEMIES

No, I think AJ should retain here. She hasn’t really had a fully-formed character since coming back, which is weird, because AJ’s been a fully-formed character since she showed up. It’s like they want her to be the skippy, crazy heel that got her so over, but they also want people to love her for WWE-decided reasons … so she’s doing all the WWE babyface stuff and heel stuff at the same time without direction. Is the problem that Paige is her only legitimate opponent right now? Too bad Emma used a self-checkout incorrectly and ruined everything forever.

Staff Picks:

Danielle Matheson – I’m pretty stoked to have AJ have a storyline that isn’t HYPERSLUT ALIENATES EVERYONE CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE KISSED A BOY THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS. I’m gonna go with AJ, since I still like her and want her to be a thing that can’t be described as “psycho whore.”

David D. – I have no idea who’s winning this match. I just hope they get 15 minutes and they tear it up. If I have to guess (which I do or Brandon is going to make me listen to another R-Truth freestyle), I’ll have to go with AJ. Then she can feud with Eva Marie in a Hell In A Cell Iron Woman match.

Jessica Hudnall – What I want to see happen: RAD WRESTLING FROM RAD WRESTLERS. What will probably happen: shrieking, terrible announcing, my heart shrinking three sizes. The actual outcome will probably be Paige snapping AJ in twain, and then with any luck, touring as a ventriloquist with a slowly putrefying upper body of AJ Lee puppet.

Nathan Birch – I’d like to see a Paige win, but I don’t see AJ relinquishing the belt until Charlotte is called up.

Austin Heiberg – I’ll say it again, I think AJ holds on to the title until the next diva they bring up from NXT challenges for it. That’s not a slight on Paige, she’s great, but I think AJ has another long title reign ahead.

Burnsy – Oh ladies, will you ever stop feuding for my heart? I don’t want to choose between these women who are so special to me, but I have to, so I choose AJ because Paige takes a lot of selfies.

Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns

What Should Happen: I’m … not sure. I really kinda want Orton to trounce him and take him down a peg. Roman’s been TOO bulletproof since Bryan got hurt. He was effective as The Shield’s big finishing weapon, but without them around him he just feels overpowered. You can’t even end a Raw with him being hurt … if he gets put through a table, he gets up a few minutes later and spears you to send everyone home happy. You shoot him with a gun, he’ll grimace a little and Superman Punch you.

I guess what should happen is Roman should break out a bunch of new moves, look more comfortable flying solo in the ring, allow Orton to properly pace him and give us a better match than any of us expect.

What Will Happen: Uppercut, uppercut. European uppercut. Headlock. Uppercut uppercut. Dropkick counter. Headlock. Uppercut uppercut, Superman punch counter, counter counter, apron dropkick. Uppercut uppercut, counter, counter, apron DDT. Superman punch. Kickout! RKO. Kickout! Pushy pushy, spear countered into RKO, Orton wins.

Staff Picks:

Danielle Matheson – Roman realizes that Orton DOES look like Freddy Kreuger but if Freddy forgot to put his dentures in. The Shield reunites, takes out the Authority, then escapes to their secret clubhouse. Reigns is mad that Dean ate all of the cheetos, Seth makes tearful heart-eyes at them both while they bicker. He’s just missed this so much. OR Roman Reigns is a super hacky babyface who hits his three power moves and defeats Orton so he can say BUH-LEE DAT and then maybe a gay joke because he is in full WWE babyface mode and WWE babyfaces are the worst.

David D. – There’s got to be a stipulation here. There just has to be. This might make or break Reigns’ career because we’re going to see how the crowd reacts to him actually having a match with actual moves against a guy who can either be dynamic or as boring as anyone on the roster. If the crowd craps on this match, we might see some shuffling of the deck in the coming months. Still, Roman wins and the crowd goes crazy for the last three minutes no matter what else transpires.

Jessica Hudnall – Put Orton in blue Jordans and have him be Twinktista, please. As for the actual match, the handsome horse prince is going to hit Orton a whole bunch, maybe enough to knock a few shitty skull tattoos off.

Nathan Birch – Randy Orton hits a chinlock at the minute-thirty mark and Roman’s chin is in such excruciating pain that he taps out. No? Okay, fine, Reigns wins via spear.

Austin Heiberg – As long as this isn’t a Winner Must Inflict Nasty Forehead Cut match, Reigns has got this one in the bag. Seriously, forehead wounds are his kryptonite.

Burnsy – I’ll take Orton, because it’s not for anything, so there’ll be some sneakery and debauchery going on, and that’s really not fair to Reigns, unless he’s the one who is cheating, in which case it’s good because Orton is a tool.

Intercontinental Championship Match: The Miz (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler

What Should Happen: Ziggler wins with the help of the newly freed-from-Xavier-Woods Big E and becomes the new Intercontinental Champion. The Miz goes down to the Performance Center for six months, gets a killer “workrate” run in NXT, comes back with great character work AND great in-ring work that doesn’t remind us of 2008. Everyone moves on to new stories, and nobody ever loses a non-title match via distraction rollup again.

What Will Happen: DISTRACTION ROLLUP. I don’t know. I say Miz loses the match, but somehow doesn’t lose the title. They don’t do Dusty Finishes enough these days.

Staff Picks:

Danielle Matheson – And lo, hairstylists will look upon this match and despair. The Miz wins and the feud continues, because what on earth are they going to do with either of these guys GET OUT OF HERE KOFI THAT WAS NOT AN INVITATION.

David D. – Ziggler sells. Ziggler loses. Welcome to every Superstars match ever.

Jessica Hudnall – The Battle of Shaker Heights 2: More Shakier! I have no other Cleveland references, so I’ll say that I love a good smug n smarmy heel, especially if he’s champion of anything. Now that he’s gone Hollywood, Miz should take things a step further and have a stunt double intervene on his behalf (Ted DiBiase Jr ain’t up to much, right?). Miz wins because until Dolph is friends with Big E again, he doesn’t deserve success.

Nathan Birch – I just got done re-watching Warrior beating Honky and Hart/Hennig for my Times SummerSlam Outshone Wrestlemania article, and now I have to contemplate this. Hollywood Miz Mizanin is infinitely more entertaining than Dolph Ziggler right now, so I’ll go with him I guess.

Austin Heiberg – Los Angeles SummerSlam + Hollywood Miz seems like a pretty dead giveaway. I’ll take Miz here. Do I get bonus points if I correctly call some sort of paparazzi-based entrance for him?

Burnsy – I’ll take Ziggler because nobody should ever pick The Miz to win anything, because he shouldn’t ever win anything.

Lumberjack Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins

What Should Happens: Tons of fun lowercard cameos in the lumberjacks and a Match Of The Night to make up for what happened last time.

What Will Happen: Rollins goes over, taking out Ambrose in such a dramatic way that Dean-o goes off to film Lockdown from WWE Studios and Rollins is free to introduce Money in the Bank briefcase intrigue for the first time since the night after he won it. I would absolutely love Rollins being free to cash-in whenever he wants against a champion (Lesnar) who is never on the show. You could almost turn him face by having him be the guy to get the belt back from the part-timer using his shifty briefcase.

Staff Picks:

Danielle Matheson – Dream scenario: Ambrose wins, rushes out to show senpai Roman Reigns, senpai fails to notice him. He gets mad, stress-eats a bag of cheetos, then angrily joins the Authority because he misses having a Shield friend. Steph is put off by him being covered in orange cheese dust. Rollins is happy to have a Shield friend again, and they spend the rest of the night giggling and making fun of Randy Orton’s baby teeth. Reality: They have the match of the night, Seth Rollins somehow retains his briefcase, we all miss the Shield real real hard.

David D. – This match had a lot of potential but it’s getting handicapped by the lumberjack stipulation. I imagine someone is jumping over the top rope and doing that thing where 30 people fall because of it. Or maybe the social media guy is one of the lumberjacks and everyone takes turns murdering him for a few minutes. Maybe that happens. I’m imagining some swerve or run in costs Ambrose the match and he continues his Stone Cold 96′ run of being a badass and never winning a match.

Jessica Hudnall – Since Dean is the newest film star, I expect that he’ll win in dramatic fashion. I also expect him to come out slathered in maple syrup, but that’s more of a Dean Ambrose True Fact than a prediction.

Nathan Birch – Who won last month? Who did I predict last month? I’ll turn on last months prediction (or stick with it?) and say Ambrose.

Austin Heiberg – Hard to see how Seth comes out of this one with the win. Plus, they have to make MOVIE STAR DEAN (James Dean Ambrose?) look good here. Ambrose for the win!

Burnsy – I’m taking Ambrose because all he ever wanted was to keep his Shield gang together, but like most great cliques, jealousy and haterade broke them bros up.