Welcome to the weekly WWE Tribute To The Troops spoilers column, where we … well, okay, normally this is for Smackdown, but Smackdown was both “super” and live on Tuesday, so we’re doing this. The show is being aired this Wednesday night, Dec. 23, as part of USA Network’s “WWE Week.” It features appearances from “the super funny” Howie Mandel and the “band” Train. I’m not sure what the Troops did to piss WWE off, but here we are.
In case you wanted to know what happens on the show without having to watch it, here’s what happens on this year’s WWE Tribute to the Troops.
WWE Tribute To The Troops
(these are actual spoilers)
– The show opens with the announcement of a 16-man tag-team main event, because Teddy Long has joined the army and participated in their Operation: Rebirth program.
1. Rusev defeated Jack Swagger. Swagger has fallen so far that he can’t even beat the evil foreigner on the troops show in front of troops at Christmas. He might as well buy a satin jacket with a maple leaf on the back and throw in with the League of Nations.
2. Mark Henry defeated Bo Dallas. Bo was dressed like Uncle Sam, and I hope he identifies himself as “the real Uncle Sam.” With Jack Swagger losing to Rusev and Uncle Sam being decimated, they are sending mixed messages to the crowd. I hope the next match is Kevin Owens finding the largest, stupidest American he can and making him feel bad about himself.
3. Ryback defeated Kevin Owens. Well, I was close. Owens loses by taking a count-out on purpose, because of course he does. He also cuts a pre-match promo about how Canada is better than the United States. Unfortunately he does not deliver a powerbomb off the stage to the lead singer of Train.
4. Paige, Sasha Banks, Naomi and Tamina Snuka defeated Charlotte, Becky Lynch, Brie Bella and Alicia Fox. If they aren’t dressed like sexy elves, we’ll consider this a win. I like that the Diva teams are so jumbled now that they can just team with each other for no reason and hug during Slammy presentations, and nobody’s bothered by it. Great win here by Team BADP (“beautiful and dangerously pale”).
5. Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, The Usos, The Dudley Boyz, Kane and Ryback defeated Sheamus, Rusev, King Barrett, Alberto Del Rio, Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, Erick Rowan and Braun Strowman. Or, more accurately, “Roman Reigns defeated Sheamus, Rusev, King Barrett, Alberto Del Rio, Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, Erick Rowan and Braun Strowman.” I wonder if there was anybody in the crowd who was like, “I’ve had such a tough year and made so many sacrifices, all I want is to see The Big Dog overcome the odds.”
– Train performed. Here’s an exclusive clip:
