A Look Back At WWF Superstars

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adds PEARL NECKLACE HEADBAND to Urban Dictionary

Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: Carmella’s dad lost to a debuting Razor Ramon, Bret Hart’s dad expressed constipated concern for the Intercontinental Championship match at SummerSlam, and The Ultimate Warrior’s dad let him leave the basement wearing airbrushed Batman leggings.

If you’d like to watch this week’s episode, you can do that here, and you can support the column (so we’re allowed to keep writing it) by reading previous installments on our Jesus Christ, Superstars tag page.

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Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for August 15, 1992.

Jobbers Of The Week

Joe Steel has just finished his last Newport and left the gas station parking lot to face The Ugandan Giant, Kamala, in one-on-one action. This is one of his two matches ever, so I’d like to think that after being eaten by Kamala in front of a bunch of scared little white kids he returned to his job at the mill, and to this day wistfully tells his 13 children and 28 grandchildren and 44 great-grandchildren about his days as a rassler.

Also, “Joe Steal” is what they should’ve called the Repo Man.

Here’s the hilariously rhyming duo of Tim McNeavey and Jerry Seavey, who look like they planned to get together and tie-dye their gear to match before the show and only one of them remembered. The fact that their names rhyme here has got to be a rib, as in literally every other match he has from this one until he wrestles Shawn Stasiak on a 2001 edition of Jakked, Tim McNeavey is named “Tim McNeaney.”

As for Jerry Seavey, he spends his non-televised days working my very favorite, lowest-possible-rent independent wrestler gimmick: the CANDY MAN, a wrestler who gets kids to cheer for him by throwing candy at them before the match. It’s Jeb Bush’s “please clap” as a wrestling gimmick. I’d like to believe Jerry funneled the $100 bill Ted DiBiase stuffed in his mouth at the end of this match back into his career and bought a shitload of Peanut Butter Kisses and Caramel Creams to throw at trailer park kids who paid five dollars to watch him wrestle in their elementary school gym.

PF Chang’s Waiter: [Recites Specials]
The Undertaker: [Acts Surprised] “To Me, That’s Preposterous …

The Undertaker prepares for his big SummerSlam confrontation with Kamala by bouncing The Bouncer Chris Duffy, who showed up dressed like Andre the Giant if he was a Ninja Turtle. You know you’re in bad shape when you show up to wrestle the 7-foot ginger zombie in a purple necktie and you’re the ridiculous looking one.

Undertaker confirms that Duffy’s a turtle by Tombstoning him so hard that Duffy’s head retracts into his body:

To his credit, Duffy tried to get Taker up for a Jackhammer after this but botched it because he was too concussed.

Phrasing Of The Week

Big Boss Man’s return to the ring in one-on-one action against Skinner is one of this week’s featured matches, and Vince McMahon uses it as an opportunity to sell the latest WWF Magazine. It features a story about the Boss Man and Nailz prison relationship called, and I’m not shitting you here, Probing His Past. Subtle, guys. I hope they do a followup article about Nailz beating down Virgil at SummerSlam to send a message to the Boss Man and call it, Jail Bait.

Hammer Reference Of The Week

Virgil says he can beat Nailz because just like the Big Bossman, he’s, “too legit to quit.” He forgets the L, but he’ll get that at SummerSlam.

In response, Nailz explained that he does what he wants to do, says what he wants to say, lives how he wants to live, plays how he wants to play, dances how he wants to dance, kicks and then slaps a friend. Whoomp! Addams Family, there it is!

Death Threat Of The Week

Remember in last week’s column when Tatanka said that if Mr. Fuji gets involved with his match against The Berserker at SummerSlam, the Great Spirits will let him know, and he will “get him?” Well, this week he’s abandoned the threat of a ghost army to just straight up come for the Berserker like

“Tatanka” is a Lakota word that means, “The Ultraviolent Icon.” Retroactively I’m kind of sad that they had a Native American wrestle a Viking and didn’t make it a Discover America On A Pole match.

Broken Home Of The Week

We’ve heard from both Bret’s Mom and Bret Hart’s Parents, so now it’s time to get the thoughts of Davey Boy’s Wife as we head into the Intercontinental Championship match at SummerSlam.

Diana goes for a daytime Emmy here, actually crying about how the match that got booked a couple of weeks ago between two nice pro wrestlers with the same job is ruining all their lives. “All Davey seems to say is that he’s doing it for me and the kids … Bret’s obsessed with keeping the belt, Davey’s consumed with winning it, and they don’t seem to think that we don’t understand, but they don’t understand what we’re going through, and … everything that we’ve worked for is going to be for nothing when it’s all over with, because I don’t believe they’re ever going to be friends again!”

Just a reminder that this match ends with a counter to a sunset flip, not Davey powerslamming Bret into a circus net of light tubes.

An Offer You Can’t Refuse Of The Week

Last week’s show featured Ric Flair trying to convince The Ultimate Warrior that Mr. Perfect had been negotiating with the Macho Man Randy Savage about being in Savage’s corner for the championship match at SummerSlam, so this week, Perfect shows up and tells Sunkist Randy Savage that Warrior’s made them “an offer [he] may not be able to refuse.”

First of all, I hope Warrior’s offer was, “do as I say or I’ll kill you,” Corleone style. Second of all, I love the idea that even Macho Man would be crazy enough to imagine The Ultimate Warrior having long phone call negotiations of any kind. The longest conversation Warrior ever had on a telephone was snorting and waving his hands in the air when he heard, “yabba-dabba doo, I like talkin’ to YOU,” come out of his Flintstone Phone.

Still, this works, because WWE babyfaces are forever a trusting decision away from a complete lobotomy.

Armpit Workout Of The Week

Razor Ramon wins his second match against Jim Powers, but the match features two interesting quirks from Vince McMahon.

he seems to think Jim Powers and Razor Ramon are truly on equal footing, and keeps calling Powers “Jimmy”
he oddly questions Razor Ramon’s sexuality, I think, by saying he knows he’s full of “machismo,” but doesn’t really think he’s, “not all that macho, if you get my drift”

Firstly, what? Secondly, what’s not macho about this?