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Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for August 22, 1992.
Jobbers Of The Week
Both Richie Rich and Flex Armstrong are back to take embarrassing losses this week, only Flex is now going by the name John Armstrong. If he was going to stop flexing, he should’ve called him self Resting Armstrong.
Flex-pac gets Naliz duty this week, which means a lot of choking and lying around on the ground while a guy in a Party City prisoner Halloween costume with no idea how to wrestle dry humps him. The highlight of the match is Virgil popping in in a picture-in-picture to remind us that he’s 2 Legit 2 Quit. Virgil’s got to pray just to make it today.
“Peter Motts” (aka future Perry Saturn) is back this week to get crushed by [checks notes] Brian Adams. Oddly instead of Peter Motts he’s billed as, “Jeff Daniels.”
Between his random name change and Flex Armstrong becoming “John,” I’m guessing they taped too many episodes in one spot and wanted to pass off jobbers we’ve seen before as newly “local talent.” Either that, or Vince McMahon was just a big fan of Jeff Daniels. When you make Arachnophobia, Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael, and Love Hurts in the same year, you can’t not get a jobber named after you.
Cursed Camera Of The Week
Sorry, little girl, Papa Shango is like Sadako from The Ring. You can try to take a picture of him, but it’s going to come out blurred. And also you might start leaking motor oil from your nostrils and catch on fire.
Papa, who loves mambo and don’t take no mess, makes quick work of Scott Taylor. This puts the fear of Louisiana voodoo in the hearts of children who’ll grow up to be sold Louisiana fast chicken by the same niche programming. He continues the beatdown after the match, and it’s so egregious that hero of the (Canadian) people Bret Hart jogs out for the save. It’s probably a bad idea to piss off an evil skull-faced magician before a big match, but I’m not the kind of person to call myself “Hitman” and work in pink spandex, so maybe it’s an issue of confidence.
Speaking of Bret …
Torn Apart Family Of The Week
Bret’s the one who ends up facing Flex Armstrong’s partner, Richie Rich, and it’s about as competitive as it sounds. It’s the 1992 equivalent of Lars Sullivan having a 3-on-1 handicap match against The Ghostly Trio. How are these obscure Harvey Comics jokes working out for you so far? Good?
During the match, Owen Hart — not yet the kind of man who’d kick your leg out of your leg — appears in a picture-in-picture interview to add some calm, sensible analysis for Bret’s upcoming SummerSlam match with Davey Boy Smith, in great contrast to Helen’s weeks of stoking drama and Diana Hart-Smith’s Canadian Heritage Minute-worthy performance. Owen’s probably not upset because he’s also a wrestler, and knows this isn’t really that big of a deal. The dude’s best friend carries a macaw with him wherever he goes. You know Koko takes Frankie in the bathroom with him and everything.
For the opposite point of view, here’s Bret and Owen’s brother Bruce Hart, showing up looking like the Great Value Rowdy Roddy Piper to say he’s picking the British Bulldog. In case that wasn’t obvious by his t-shirt. Bruce thinks Bret is too egotistical and always makes everything about Bret, so he thinks Davey Boy’s gonna take him down a peg. Who knew Bruce Hart would have some issues with his infinitely more talented and popular younger brother who is WWF Intercontinental Champion? Yeah, Bruce Hart definitely should’ve gotten that spot instead.
Injured Teen Opinion Of The Week
This young girl who broke her arm falling out of her treehouse and can’t go in the pool for the entire summer is not impressed by Razor Ramon’s victory over pube-headed nobody Tony Roy, now cleverly billed as “Tony Roi” to disguise his identity. Her best friend, goth Arya Stark, is also nonplussed.
The best part of this GIF is when the girl clearly mouths the words, “I know.” I’ve been going over it in my head, and there are only two explanations I can come up with:
- One of her parents pointed out that she was being filmed, and instead of losing her cool, she just kept kayfabe and said she knew, or
- Razor looked at her and yelled, “DON’T BOO, YOU’RE GONNA LOVE ME IN A FEW YEARS WHEN I HELP FORM THE NEW WORLD ORDER”
Or Han Solo told her he loved her. It’s probably the second one.
Illiterate Team Of The Week
This week’s feature bout is a six-man tag team match that pairs up two smart characters (The Beverly Brothers) and an obviously dumb guy who can at least hold down an adult job (The Repo Man) against the three stupidest people on the roster, cross-eyed patriot Hacksaw Jim Duggan and inbred, cousin-licking monsters The Bushwhackers. Pairing up Duggan, Luke, and Butch is a dangerous combination of idiot, and if you need to know who won, let me put it to you this way: the Beverly Brothers and Repo Man all have matches at SummerSlam, and Duggan and the Bushwhackers don’t.
Incredibly, it’s the Beverly Brothers who cheat to win here instead of Jim Duggan, who if you read the Best and Worst of Nitro you know is the cheatingest-ass mostly-shaven yeti in wrestling history. Duggan keeps an entire office of supplies in his drawers. If he’d been able to think ahead, he could’ve stored so much shit in the Bushwhackers’ cargo pants. What do they have in there, anyway? Sheep bait and lube?
‘Spectacular’ Main Event Drama Of The Week
Finally, we’re only one week away from SummerSlam, and the drama around who Mr. Perfect will manage in the WWF Championship main event. Macho Man Randy Savage and Ultimate Warrior are still completely shook by this mystery, despite Mr. Perfect not actively managing either guy and regularly representing a client who openly hates them both and wishes he was in the match.
You’d think one or both of them would just punch him and have a normal match, but I guess we’re talking about a constantly enraged beef tube spokesman dressed like a cowboy clown and his challenger, the pro wrestling version of Xavier: Renegade Angel. They’ll probably be fine. I can’t see one of them changing plans at the last minute and complaining their way out of the company or anything.
The big news is that they’ll be teaming up against the Nasty Boys (for some reason) before SummerSlam as part of the SUMMERSLAM SPECTACULAR prime-time special. Can they co-exist?? Could the Ultimate Warrior believably co-exist with literally any other person or thing on the planet? You could put Warrior in a room with a house plant and within 10 minutes he’ll have broken it and be screaming at the ceiling about tornadoes.
Next Week Of The Week
It’s the final stop before Wembley Stadium and SummerSlam 1992, featuring the fallout from the SummerSlam spectacular. All this, plus the REAL Jeff Daniels — no, still not that one — Beth Phoenix’s ex-husband, a future ECW star that isn’t Perry Saturn, and so much more.
