Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: Macho Man Randy Savage and Ultimate Warrior combined their weird mushrooms and Trapper Keepers energies to form the ULTIMATE MANIACS. Also, The Mountie sold two atomic drops from Tatanka like he’d been shot in the asshole with a rifle.
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Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for September 26, 1992.
Jobbers Of The Week
If you ever wanted to know what it’d look like if the Big Boss Man went to a liberal arts college instead of getting into law enforcement, here’s John Richner with your answer. I’m still trying to figure out how you go on national television with that haircut. He’s like a reverse Arn Anderson, with no hair on the sides or back and way too much on top. He looks like a bald guy headbutted a Tribble.
To add to the embarrassment, Richner draws Papa Shango duty, which means a grown-ass man trying to make it in the wrestling industry must believably sell the leg because a witch doctor pointed at him. Richner might be the only dude to ever lose a match via restless leg syndrome.
The best part of all of this is that Richner would stick around on jobber duty and be reliable enough to get a spot as a new character: Million Dollar Man’s evil Santa Claus Xanta Claus. He’s an opposite Santa, you see. He’s from the South Pole and he steals presents. When that shockingly didn’t go anywhere, he signed with Extreme Championship Wrestling and found more success as The Hardcore Chair Swingin’ Freak, Balls Mahoney.
If there’s a more unbelievable but welcome success story than a jobber from the early ’90s selling voodoo limb work so well he gets repackaged as an evil Santa Claus, recovering by making people in bingo halls chant “BALLS!” at him while he punches people, and is so good at it he ends up getting re-signed by WWE a decade later, I’d like to hear it.
No, Tony Danza didn’t join the Hart Foundation, this is Razor Ramon victim of the week Nick Tarantino. You may also recognize him as WCW jobber “Romeo Valentino,” which is a better wrestling name, but not nearly as time sensitive. Reservoir Dogs had just been released eight months earlier, which would be record-breaking cultural appropriation for Vince McMahon. I’m surprise the guy didn’t get named, “George Melies.”
Anyway, Razor Ramon fictionally beats him to a pulp, even worse than when he killed Bill Pierce. Scott Hall was a natural born killer, and glorious bastard back in the day. After a hateful eight minutes of getting beaten from dusk til dawn, Tarantino loses. I’m glad it didn’t go on any longer, because nobody’s death proof.
Please tell me the next jobber’s name is “Jack Brown.”
Bruce Mitchell and his signature, “hello, I’m Bruce Mitchell,” wave are back this week. I don’t normally do repeats for the jobbers of the week, but I wanted to point out something I (and probably only I) found hilarious. The last time Bruce showed up, I made a joke about how his gear made him look like the cover of a blank VHS tape. This week, Bruce returns to lose to the Big Boss Man, and what’s his gear?
All black. HE’S DRESSED LIKE THE ACTUAL VHS TAPE ITSELF. Holy shit. Congratulations on achieving your destiny, Bruce.
Main-eventing the episode against Muchachos Desagradables are the returning Bobby Perez and his new tag team partner, Akita Webb. Akita Webb, of course, is what happens when your dog starts spinning silk to catch its prey. There’s not much information about Webb online so I’m not sure what happened to him, but I’m pretty sure that flat top went on to play for the Seattle SuperSonics.
Technically not a jobber but getting lumped in with the jobbers of the week because oh my God, you guys, look at him, is The Komet Kid. You may know him better as “Max Moon,” aka what I call the Supermoon because I’m a fucking idiot.
The story of Max Moon is somehow simple and deeply confusing at the same time. Basically, Konnan — yes, that Konnan, from Nitro — was wrestling in Japan and saw, and I quote, “this Japanese anime cartoon robot on TV that shot confetti and fire.” This idea was good enough for Vince McMahon to sink $13,000 into a set of technicolor pajamas with an underwear mask that shot fire and confetti, and had a fake jetpack on the back. The suit was designed to fit Konnan, but he ended up bailing on the idea, so former Orient Express member Paul Diamond got the job. Why? Because he fit the suit.
So that gives us THE KOMET KID, who shows off his Japanese anime robot cannons on the way to the ring and, in what might be the most embarrassing thing anybody’s ever been asked to do in a wrestling ring, has to hop up the ring steps and pretend his fake jetpack is doing it.
Brutal. Komet Kid/Max Moon had two major accomplishments in his six month run as the character: losing to Shawn Michaels on the very first episode of Monday Night Raw, and lasting about two minutes in the 1993 Royal Rumble. The next month, he’s gone. Under Halley’s Comet rules, expect the Komet Kid to return to WWE around 2068.
Head Kiss Of The Week
WWF Superstars comes to us this week from the “chocolate capitol of the world,” Hershey, PA, so Mr. Perfect spends the entire episode wearing a Hershey’s Kiss hat. This is 100% Vince McMahon’s idea, by the way, and you can tell in two ways. One, look at his face in that screenshot. Two, he spends the rest of the show doing weird improvisational bits about how Perfect needs to take off that ridiculous hat, and how HE might try on the hat, and how it’s melting and dripping chocolate all over Mr. Perfect’s face. It’s a hat and not actually filled with chocolate, but a grown man wearing food on his head and having it get all over him is the funniest shit Vincent Kennedy McMahon has ever imagined. If it gave Perfect bad breath, he’d probably piss himself.
Ultimate Warrior Impersonation Of The Week
Perfect also appears alongside Ric Flair in response to last week’s formation of the Ultimate Maniacs for a chance to call them (NSFW warning) the “Ultimate Losers,” but it’s mostly worth it for Flair cracking them both up with a Warrior impersonation. He just sticks out his fist and jogs in place like an asshole. From Ric Flair, it’s an instant knockout.
Cam Girl Of The Week
I don’t have much to say about this Barry Hardy vs. British Bulldog match, except for the fact that Davey Boy has the same paw prints on his butt as Next Door Nikki. Don’t Google that. Real ones know.
Best Moment Of This Guy’s Life Of The Week
In last week’s column, I said that one day I hoped to be as happy as this guy is watching Macho Man Randy Savage hug the Ultimate Warrior. I’d like to change that to, “one day I hope I’m as happy as this guy realizing Papa Shango’s skull shoots fireworks now.”
Promotional Consideration Paid For By The Following Of The Week
This week’s updates are brought to you by both WWF Steel Cage Challenge for the NES and the appropriately named WWF Superstars for Gameboy. In case you’re wondering, Steel Cage Challenge is one of the worst wrestling games ever made, and the Gameboy game had better graphics, music, and gameplay.
For real, see how long you can even watch Steel Cage being played. I can’t take more than a few minutes of those weird ocean noises they decided sounded like the crowd.
Next Week Of The Week
A special interview with Beefcake Scarface, Repo Man takes on a man named “Laverne,” and more.