Your Official With Spandex WWE Royal Rumble 2015 Predictions

WWE Royal Rumble 2015 airs live this Sunday, January 25, on WWE Network. It’s one of the most popular shows of the year and is the “first stop on the Road To WrestleMania,” with the Rumble match winner going on to face the WWE World Heavyweight Champion in Mania’s main event. That’s made the show more of a series of decisions than a fun thing to let loose and watch, but it’s still guys getting thrown over ropes to floors for an hour, and that’s something special.

Here’s your complete WWE Royal Rumble 2015 card:

– Kickoff Match: The New Day (Kofi Kingston, Big E and Xavier Woods) vs. Adam Rose, Cesaro and Tyson Kidd

1. WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The Usos (c) vs. The Miz and Damien Mizdow

2. The New Age Outlaws vs. The Ascension

3. The Bella Twins vs. Paige and Natalya

4. Triple Threat Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Brock Lesnar (c) vs. John Cena vs. Seth Rollins

5. The Royal Rumble Match

And now, your With Spandex staff predictions.

Kickoff Match: The New Day (Kofi Kingston, Big E and Xavier Woods) vs. Adam Rose, Cesaro and Tyson Kidd

What Should Happen: Tyson Kidd whips Xavier Woods into the corner. Adam Rose whips Kofi Kingston into Xavier Woods, then Rose and Kidd team up to whip Big E into both of them. Cesaro then grabs The New Day out of the corner in a pile, throws them in the air simultaneously and European uppercuts them into a Mega Man-like explosion of powder blue.

What Will Happen: Cesaro gets pinned, probably by surprise. I think that’s his job now. And frankly it makes sense, as The New Day’s supposed to be this cohesive unit and never really gets to wrestle as one. Put all three of them in at once, suggest that they’re at their most powerful when all three are working together and let them do some big Triple Tech to Adam Rose. He can afford to take another loss.

Staff Predictions

David D. – So the New Day didn’t turn heel in St. Louis a few months ago. Nor did they turn heel on Thanksgiving. Nor did they turn heel on Kwanzaa or MLK day. They didn’t even turn heel when ‘Empire’ debuted on Fox. Maybe they’ll lose this match to add to them being treated unfairly and turn heel for Black History Month. THE GODDAMN RAW ON HULU PLUS OPEN HAS THEM SHARING A PLATE OF WHAT APPEARS TO BE GRITS THIS IS A BIG BUILD TO A HEEL TURN I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS I INVENTED THE PIANO KEY NECKTIE I INVENTED IT.

Danielle Matheson – So I seem to be watching even less WWE than usual, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that this is not going to be the all out juggernaut that it legitimately could be. I’ll say Kiddsaro and Adam Rose win, then everyone goes to Denny’s afterwards to commiserate over just what the hell happened to their careers.

Austin Heiberg – Let’s be real, both squads need a big win to keep from descending into Complete And Utter Joke territory. However, only one team has a mascot with a history of well-meaning sabotage. Therefore, I’m picking The New Day to get the win over The Exotic Swing Cats. BONUS PREDICTION: The New Day will get only one televised win during Black History Month, because wrestling is disappointing.

Jessica Hudnall – Cesaro will put all of New Day on his index finger and spin them like a basketball while “Sweet Georgia Brown” plays. Then he’ll get kicked in the shin by Kofi and get rolled up for the loss and I’ll hate everything.

Nate Birch – There are literally no singles matches on this entire PPV. Is that a first? Adam Rose wins and on Raw The New Day, Cesaro and Tyson debut as full-time Rosebuds, because why not?

Ashley Burns – I have no clue if there’s a point to this match or not, what with my casual viewing habits, but I feel really bad for Cesaro right now. So I guess The New Day claps along to a victory.

1. WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The Usos (c) vs. The Miz and Damien Mizdow

What Should Happen: The Miz and Mizdow have been teasing a breakup for a few weeks, so The Usos break up instead. Jimmy Uso suddenly goes bonkers and attacks his brother for looking too much like his wife’s husband, and we never have to have The Usos defending against one team on loop for two months again. Jimmy becomes the new Roman Reigns, Jey becomes the new Rikishi. One of them pulls a hammy and stops being able to throw superkicks.

What Will Happen: As I see it, this should be a preview for the Rumble interaction between Miz and Mizdow. You have them miscommunicate during the tag titles match and lose, because obviously you aren’t going to keep them together much longer and don’t need them to be champs. Maybe have Miz be the direct reason why they lose. Then in the Rumble, you do that great moment where Miz gets tossed, Mizdow preps himself to “stunt double” it and then stops. That’ll light up the crowd. Then you give Mizdow a WrestleMania program to reward him for turning a pile of shit into happy gold.

Staff Predictions

David D. – It’s fitting that Rumble is sponsored by Hulu Plus because I’m pretty sure “Usos vs. Miz and Mizdow” is the phrase that shows up on Hulu Plus more than anything else besides maybe “Felicity” or something. I guess the Usos win because *shrug*

Danielle Matheson – Is it too late to throw this pay-per-view into the ocean? You can’t actually do that? Oh. Okay. Well then I’ll say that Naomi realises that Husband Uso is kinda boring and secretly a jerk, so she tries to woo the significantly more interesting Damien Mizdow via a series of complicated pantomimes and interpretive dance. Husband Uso is at first confused, then mildly aroused, then furious at the idea of losing his checkboard-butt babe. This is enough of a distraction for Miz to hit him with a flash pin, 1-2-3-new-champs. Miz/Mizdow celebrate while Nattie comes out to fret at Naomi because she is also Married and therefore has Opinions. “You’re acting like a Total Diva,” says Naomi, pausing to give a pointed look towards hard camera. The crowd boos, and everyone in the ring is pelted with souvenir WWE Superstar collector’s cups.

Austin Heiberg – While Miz and Mizdow are the more entertaining team here, I think the Usos will take this one. If there’s going to be any sort of blow-up between Miz and his stunt double, this should be where the trigger is pulled. I don’t know if we need Miz vs. Mizdow at Wrestlemania necessarily, but let’s at least set the gears in motion.

Jessica Hudnall – Mizdow finally become his own man and goes nuts on the Los Usos. New tag team champions, Damien Mizdow and his friend, Mike.

Nate Birch – The Miz gets pinned and the Usos have to share the belt with the invisible team that beat Sandow at the same time.

Ashley Burns – I’ll take Miz and Mizdow because they’re just so much more entertaining than the Usos at this point.

2. The New Age Outlaws vs. The Ascension

What Should Happen: That Shield vs. The Authority WrestleMania match from last year, but with two fewer guys. The only way to salvage the 7-on-2 old man beatdown from Raw is to have the Ascension MAUL the Outlaws, and declare that it took seven legends to put them down so no combination of two could get the job done. At no point should JBL be allowed to speak.

What Will Happen: If The Ascension loses, they’re a dead-in-the-water example made for the NXT generation to stop trying. No match will be more of a statement than this. If The Ascension gets a strong win — and they should — you can at least rationalize that their first few weeks were WWE “breaking them in,” and the company’s not ACTUALLY interested in spending years training and perfecting specific talent only to whip the rug out from under them in front of the biggest possible audience.

Staff Predictions

David D. – I would be upset that the new NXT call-ups are getting the shaft, but let’s face it: The Ascension aren’t that good. The Outlaws win then Matt and Jeff Hardy run in and do lines off of Konnor’s forehead.

Danielle Matheson – Good god, what? This is a thing? My poor baby cartoon goths, what did you do to deserve this? While my head says “old guys with no import or forward momentum, and literally nothing to prove” go over, what I really want is to see Konnor punch through Road Dogg’s rib cage, pull out his still-beating heart, and snack on it like a piece of cheese while Viktor belts out his own rendition of Lucretia My Reflection at ringside. Do you hear the roar of the big machines, Konnor?

Austin Heiberg – I’m picking the Stone Age Outlaws here, but don’t think I get one second of satisfaction of being correct about my least favorite tag team in wrestling today getting a win over a product of the NXT system. We do these predictions for science, you monsters.

Jessica Hudnall – What should happen is the two grandpas get stomped flat in under two minutes, but I know that in reality, Konnor and Viktor are going to look like total dweebs and lose.

Nate Birch – This is all going to culminate in John Laurinaitis coming out to Ace Crusher The Ascension to death as retribution for his brother and Triple H taking his talent relations job, right? People f*cking Power.

Ashley Burns – Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, why? The Ascension, I hope.

3. The Bella Twins vs. Paige and Natalya

What Should Happen: A 40-minute All Japan tag classic culminating in Nikki hitting the Rack Attack on Paige, Paige no-selling it with a fighting spirit scream, hitting a desperation Paige Turner and collapsing into an unconscious pin. Natalya spends the entire match dropping Brie on her head.

What Will Happen: WHOOPS, DIVA MISCOMMUNICATION as Paige and Natalya accidentally bonk heads and give the Bellas a victory. I’m sad I haven’t been keeping up with Total Divas closely enough to know where any of this is going. “Sad” is a relative term. There’s no way WWE’s putting three tag team matches on the same pay-per-view and not giving at least two of them identical finishes.

Staff Predictions

David D. – Okay, I called this on Survivor Series and I’m sticking to it here: the NXT Divas show up and destroy the ring, creating Lady Nexus or Sexus or Nexpuss or something equally burial-ish.

Danielle Matheson – Oof, they’re really banking on people’s love of the Rumble to sell this one, huh. I predict that the Bellas will win, because if I start thinking about this instead of just typing words, my brain might actually shut down.

Austin Heiberg – Title? What title? Anyway, I don’t watch Total Divas, so I have no idea about the motivations behind this match. Therefore, I literally just flipped a coin. The coin says Paige and Natalya. This is probably how Divas matches are booked in the first place, come to think of it.

Jessica Hudnall – Natalya gets distracted when Paige makes out with her for ten minutes, leading to a Nikki forearm shiver of death. Go team Bellas.

Nate Birch – This feels oddly familiar — is this a pay-per-view or an episode of Main Event? Anyways, they’ve been doing a sorta break-up angle with not-really-friends Paige and Natalya for a while, so I guess their shocking implosion will cost them the match. Not that either of them could beat Nikki Bella on their best day [heart eyes].

Ashley Burns – Nobody wins this fight. Not the Divas, not the WWE, not the fans – no one. The f*ck is the point of this match anyway? Perfect world: Paige turns on Nattie and the three of them beat her up while Tyson Kidd and the cat laugh at her. Real world: The Bella Twins win because Paige tries to lick Nattie and Nattie freaks out.

4. Triple Threat Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Brock Lesnar (c) vs. John Cena vs. Seth Rollins

What Should Happen: The only decent narrative for me is Brock Lesnar retaining the championship and losing it at WrestleMania. You don’t begin a man’s superhuman, tougher-than-everybody-ever push by having him unseat the Undertaker at WrestleMania and not END it at the next WrestleMania. That needs to be Brock’s send off, assuming he’s headed back to MMA.

Plus, Brock’s the only winner that gives us a notable WrestleMania main-event. He has to be there. Rollins’ big thing is the triple threat against Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns, so that should happen. Cena can go beat up Rusev and get a win he doesn’t need. Brock can be positioned as the unbeatable champion against someone who couldn’t possibly beat him — Daniel Bryan or Dolph Ziggler in a perfect world, or even a babyface Randy Orton in a battle of Youngest Champions Ever — only to have them shock the world and get it done. Bonus points if Brock loses via Undertaker magically showing up and getting his WrestleMania heat back.

What Will Happen: This is one of the hardest matches in a while to predict. Brock should win, Cena ALWAYS wins (even when he loses) and Rollins not only could win, but has the Money in the Bank briefcase, so he could win twice. My brain says Cena and my guts say Rollins (with Rollins losing to somebody at Fast Lane … Orton maybe, but probably Cena), but my heart says Brock. I’ll pick Brock to retain and just lose this prediction.

Staff Predictions

David D. – Most people are expecting Lesnar to hold the belt until ‘Mania, but if the WWE is expecting the crowd to rally behind Reigns and boo Lesnar then this is going to be a horrendous build. Instead, I think Cena pins Rollins and goes on to face Reigns at the biannual Mania main event that everyone craps on. As for Lesnar, here’s hoping we get that Bryan/Lesnar match that my body is ready for.

Danielle Matheson – F-ck it. Seth Rollins. *spins in a slow circle shooting everyone Stone Cold middle fingers*

Austin Heiberg – Is it weird that the addition of Rollins makes this match really, really interesting for me? I’ll watch pretty much any Brock Lesnar match ever, but if this triple-treat is It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, then Rollins is Charlie. WILD CARD! Brock gets the victory here, because I suppose the main event of Wrestlemania 31 needs to be a WWE Immortals punching contest.

Jessica Hudnall – Brock Lesnar is going to German suplex Cena through a wormhole and he’ll never be seen again. Then Lesnar and Rollins will have a really close match, but the champ will retain because he’s BROCK LESNAR.

Nate Birch – Basically every possible scenario for the main event of Wrestlemania requires the champ to be a heel going in, so John Cena can’t win, can he? That’s what I’m telling myself at least. They’ve done a surprisingly good job of making Rollins seem like a contender, but in the end I think the real reason he’s in there is to eat the pin for Cena. Brock wins.

Ashley Burns – I have never disliked a WWE main eventer as much as Seth Rollins. He makes John Cena look like Stone Cold with a microphone. Naturally, he’s going to win somehow.

5. The 2015 Royal Rumble

What Should Happen: Anyone but Reigns. I’d rather Sheamus come back and win it than Roman Reigns right now. Reigns creates such a difficult, crummy conversation. He’s a battle you have to fight on the Internet. Let’s give it to someone who can put on a great match with whomever’s champion and let the casual fan buyrate get bumped up by Sting. The fan in me wants Daniel Bryan, but Ziggler’s a better story right now. Bryan’s story was last year. Who just saved WWE from The Authority and saved all his friends’ jobs? Who seemingly commands the whim of the Stinger? That’s Ziggler. He’d give you a win you wouldn’t expect, too. I just want the Rumble to stop being the “decision on who’s our new hero” competition and be a match anybody can win.

What Will Happen: Roman Reigns. It’s the obvious choice, but WWE loves an obvious choice. I just hope he comes out at #30 in place of Daniel Bryan to make it as bad for us as possible.

I’ll pick a final four of Reigns, Show, Bryan and maybe Luke Harper.

Staff Predictions

David D. – Final Four – Ambrose, Wyatt, Bryan, Reigns – I think Ziggler gets the Iron Man nod this year, coming in 1st and lasting until there are maybe four or five guys left. And Ambrose gets the crazy eliminations count this year. Bryan probably loses thanks to some run-in and an injury angle of some sort, Ambrose eliminates Wyatt and Reigns eliminates Ambrose to sew the seeds for the Shield triple threat match we’re going to get at Summerslam I hope.

Danielle Matheson – I’m trying to think if I’ve ever been less enthused for a Royal Rumble, and nothing is coming to mind. I almost feel bad, as everyone is probably writing huge paragraphs justifying their final four and what they want to happen, when really I just want Cesaro to come out, flip the ring, then tell everyone remotely related to his creative trajectory to eat their own assholes in five different languages. But wrestling is real, so here is…a bunch of stuff that won’t happen:

Stephanie McMahon, Daniel Bryan, Roman Reigns, and I dunno … let’s say Kane. Steph eliminates Kane with her terrifying secret Mom strength, then turns to Roman Reigns, a wild, bloodthirsty look on her face. Roman considers it for a second, then focuses his efforts on powering up to go after Daniel Bryan. Shouting WHEN IT ROMAN REIGNS, IT POURS, Reigns charges at Bryan for a spear only to get kicked so hard in mid-air that Roman hovers for a moment, then cartoonishly falls to the ground and shatters into a million pieces. Steph looks at Bryan, then makes the universally accepted hand gesture-equivalent of Scorpion shouting GET OVER HERE. “Are you sure you want to do that, McMahon?” Bryan asks, bemused. “Of course I do. The moment he signed his contract, I absorbed KENTA’s powers. Yeah. YEAH. We can do that now.” Bryan and Steph go forty-five minutes in a brutal and bloody dance of kicks and submissions. Just when it looks like Steph is finally about to send Bryan back to the logging camp he crawled out of, he catches her with a small package.


Winner: Daniel Bryan.

Austin Heiberg – Okay, the boys in the lab have just run every possible simulation, and the consensus is that either Daniel Bryan or Roman Reigns will be winning the Rumble. One possibility sounds like a fairy-tale road to redemption after months of frightening uncertainty, and the other sounds like a harsh reality that will absolutely happen because DUH. Reigns wins the Rumble. Final four: Reigns, Bryan, Big Show, and Dolph Ziggler. Also, I’m predicting a surprise appearance from Adrian Neville.

Jessica Hudnall – The final four will come down to handsome horse prince Roman Reigns, tiny ragamuffin Daniel Bryan, Kane, and the Big Show. Handsome horse prince Roman Reigns, who, might I add, is very strong, will utilize his cock-fist and dispatch of the other three chumps to win the Royal Rumble. He will then get buried in a barrage of 9-volt batteries from the Philadelphia crowd.

Nate Birch – Everything, including some not so real things (whoops) point to Roman Reigns winning the Rumble, and honestly, I’m beginning to think that really is the way to go. Is Roman ready? No, but then Batista even less ready in 2005 when he won, and that turned out alright. WWE hasn’t truly put the rocket up a guy’s ass for ages, and it’s time to just stop fretting and get on with it. A part of me will be annoyed if Daniel Bryan doesn’t win, but a bigger part will be pissed if the last year of ROMAN BEING STRONG was for nothing. Despite all the red herrings, I think Roman is still WWE’s pick.

As for the final four, Daniel Bryan can’t be one of them. That would be suicide. The best move would be to have Bryan come in at number one, cut a swath through the competition, but then have Kane, Big Show and maybe even Seth Rollins come in, say, 20, 21, 22 and halt the momentum. Have Bryan eliminate Kane, but then get out-maneuvered by Rollins or something. Then I’d have the final four be Reigns and his little buddy Ambrose against Big Show and Rollins. It’s impossible to boo 2/3 of The Shield fighting together again, and hopefully enough time will have elapsed between Bryan’s elimination and the finish that the audience will have stopped pouting. I’m not sure if there’s an ideal way to have Roman win, but this is about as close as you’re going to get.

Ashley Burns – My heart says it’ll come down to Daniel Bryan and Bray Wyatt, and maybe Bryan will overcome everything for the big win. But my brain says it’ll come down to a pair like Dolph Ziggler and Roman Reigns and the latter will win with help from someone in The Authority. I know that the Reigns thing was fake, but I’m just hoping he turns heel. It’s for the best.