Your Official With Spandex WWE Royal Rumble 2015 Predictions

Pro Wrestling Editor
01.23.15 114 Comments
WWE Royal Rumble 2015 airs live this Sunday, January 25, on WWE Network. It’s one of the most popular shows of the year and is the “first stop on the Road To WrestleMania,” with the Rumble match winner going on to face the WWE World Heavyweight Champion in Mania’s main event. That’s made the show more of a series of decisions than a fun thing to let loose and watch, but it’s still guys getting thrown over ropes to floors for an hour, and that’s something special.

Here’s your complete WWE Royal Rumble 2015 card:

– Kickoff Match: The New Day (Kofi Kingston, Big E and Xavier Woods) vs. Adam Rose, Cesaro and Tyson Kidd

1. WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The Usos (c) vs. The Miz and Damien Mizdow

2. The New Age Outlaws vs. The Ascension

3. The Bella Twins vs. Paige and Natalya

4. Triple Threat Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Brock Lesnar (c) vs. John Cena vs. Seth Rollins

5. The Royal Rumble Match

And now, your With Spandex staff predictions.

Kickoff Match: The New Day (Kofi Kingston, Big E and Xavier Woods) vs. Adam Rose, Cesaro and Tyson Kidd

What Should Happen: Tyson Kidd whips Xavier Woods into the corner. Adam Rose whips Kofi Kingston into Xavier Woods, then Rose and Kidd team up to whip Big E into both of them. Cesaro then grabs The New Day out of the corner in a pile, throws them in the air simultaneously and European uppercuts them into a Mega Man-like explosion of powder blue.

What Will Happen: Cesaro gets pinned, probably by surprise. I think that’s his job now. And frankly it makes sense, as The New Day’s supposed to be this cohesive unit and never really gets to wrestle as one. Put all three of them in at once, suggest that they’re at their most powerful when all three are working together and let them do some big Triple Tech to Adam Rose. He can afford to take another loss.

Staff Predictions

David D. – So the New Day didn’t turn heel in St. Louis a few months ago. Nor did they turn heel on Thanksgiving. Nor did they turn heel on Kwanzaa or MLK day. They didn’t even turn heel when ‘Empire’ debuted on Fox. Maybe they’ll lose this match to add to them being treated unfairly and turn heel for Black History Month. THE GODDAMN RAW ON HULU PLUS OPEN HAS THEM SHARING A PLATE OF WHAT APPEARS TO BE GRITS THIS IS A BIG BUILD TO A HEEL TURN I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS I INVENTED THE PIANO KEY NECKTIE I INVENTED IT.

Danielle Matheson – So I seem to be watching even less WWE than usual, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that this is not going to be the all out juggernaut that it legitimately could be. I’ll say Kiddsaro and Adam Rose win, then everyone goes to Denny’s afterwards to commiserate over just what the hell happened to their careers.

Austin Heiberg – Let’s be real, both squads need a big win to keep from descending into Complete And Utter Joke territory. However, only one team has a mascot with a history of well-meaning sabotage. Therefore, I’m picking The New Day to get the win over The Exotic Swing Cats. BONUS PREDICTION: The New Day will get only one televised win during Black History Month, because wrestling is disappointing.

Jessica Hudnall – Cesaro will put all of New Day on his index finger and spin them like a basketball while “Sweet Georgia Brown” plays. Then he’ll get kicked in the shin by Kofi and get rolled up for the loss and I’ll hate everything.

Nate Birch – There are literally no singles matches on this entire PPV. Is that a first? Adam Rose wins and on Raw The New Day, Cesaro and Tyson debut as full-time Rosebuds, because why not?

Ashley Burns – I have no clue if there’s a point to this match or not, what with my casual viewing habits, but I feel really bad for Cesaro right now. So I guess The New Day claps along to a victory.

1. WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The Usos (c) vs. The Miz and Damien Mizdow

What Should Happen: The Miz and Mizdow have been teasing a breakup for a few weeks, so The Usos break up instead. Jimmy Uso suddenly goes bonkers and attacks his brother for looking too much like his wife’s husband, and we never have to have The Usos defending against one team on loop for two months again. Jimmy becomes the new Roman Reigns, Jey becomes the new Rikishi. One of them pulls a hammy and stops being able to throw superkicks.

What Will Happen: As I see it, this should be a preview for the Rumble interaction between Miz and Mizdow. You have them miscommunicate during the tag titles match and lose, because obviously you aren’t going to keep them together much longer and don’t need them to be champs. Maybe have Miz be the direct reason why they lose. Then in the Rumble, you do that great moment where Miz gets tossed, Mizdow preps himself to “stunt double” it and then stops. That’ll light up the crowd. Then you give Mizdow a WrestleMania program to reward him for turning a pile of shit into happy gold.

Staff Predictions

David D. – It’s fitting that Rumble is sponsored by Hulu Plus because I’m pretty sure “Usos vs. Miz and Mizdow” is the phrase that shows up on Hulu Plus more than anything else besides maybe “Felicity” or something. I guess the Usos win because *shrug*

Danielle Matheson – Is it too late to throw this pay-per-view into the ocean? You can’t actually do that? Oh. Okay. Well then I’ll say that Naomi realises that Husband Uso is kinda boring and secretly a jerk, so she tries to woo the significantly more interesting Damien Mizdow via a series of complicated pantomimes and interpretive dance. Husband Uso is at first confused, then mildly aroused, then furious at the idea of losing his checkboard-butt babe. This is enough of a distraction for Miz to hit him with a flash pin, 1-2-3-new-champs. Miz/Mizdow celebrate while Nattie comes out to fret at Naomi because she is also Married and therefore has Opinions. “You’re acting like a Total Diva,” says Naomi, pausing to give a pointed look towards hard camera. The crowd boos, and everyone in the ring is pelted with souvenir WWE Superstar collector’s cups.

Austin Heiberg – While Miz and Mizdow are the more entertaining team here, I think the Usos will take this one. If there’s going to be any sort of blow-up between Miz and his stunt double, this should be where the trigger is pulled. I don’t know if we need Miz vs. Mizdow at Wrestlemania necessarily, but let’s at least set the gears in motion.

Jessica Hudnall – Mizdow finally become his own man and goes nuts on the Los Usos. New tag team champions, Damien Mizdow and his friend, Mike.

Nate Birch – The Miz gets pinned and the Usos have to share the belt with the invisible team that beat Sandow at the same time.

Ashley Burns – I’ll take Miz and Mizdow because they’re just so much more entertaining than the Usos at this point.

2. The New Age Outlaws vs. The Ascension

What Should Happen: That Shield vs. The Authority WrestleMania match from last year, but with two fewer guys. The only way to salvage the 7-on-2 old man beatdown from Raw is to have the Ascension MAUL the Outlaws, and declare that it took seven legends to put them down so no combination of two could get the job done. At no point should JBL be allowed to speak.

What Will Happen: If The Ascension loses, they’re a dead-in-the-water example made for the NXT generation to stop trying. No match will be more of a statement than this. If The Ascension gets a strong win — and they should — you can at least rationalize that their first few weeks were WWE “breaking them in,” and the company’s not ACTUALLY interested in spending years training and perfecting specific talent only to whip the rug out from under them in front of the biggest possible audience.

Staff Predictions

David D. – I would be upset that the new NXT call-ups are getting the shaft, but let’s face it: The Ascension aren’t that good. The Outlaws win then Matt and Jeff Hardy run in and do lines off of Konnor’s forehead.

Danielle Matheson – Good god, what? This is a thing? My poor baby cartoon goths, what did you do to deserve this? While my head says “old guys with no import or forward momentum, and literally nothing to prove” go over, what I really want is to see Konnor punch through Road Dogg’s rib cage, pull out his still-beating heart, and snack on it like a piece of cheese while Viktor belts out his own rendition of Lucretia My Reflection at ringside. Do you hear the roar of the big machines, Konnor?

Austin Heiberg – I’m picking the Stone Age Outlaws here, but don’t think I get one second of satisfaction of being correct about my least favorite tag team in wrestling today getting a win over a product of the NXT system. We do these predictions for science, you monsters.

Jessica Hudnall – What should happen is the two grandpas get stomped flat in under two minutes, but I know that in reality, Konnor and Viktor are going to look like total dweebs and lose.

Nate Birch – This is all going to culminate in John Laurinaitis coming out to Ace Crusher The Ascension to death as retribution for his brother and Triple H taking his talent relations job, right? People f*cking Power.

Ashley Burns – Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, why? The Ascension, I hope.

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