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The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 7/10/14: Just Be Roy

By 07.11.14

Worst: I’m Kurt Angle and I’m here to make you think about TNA and feel sad and stuff

Kurt Angle starts this week off by calling out THE WILLOW. Just like Samoa Joe, he did the old “I understand you, so let me do this thing that totally ignores and invalidates your feelings, okay? Cool.” TNA authority figures are historically problematic (until they tell us they’re not, I guess), and Kurt Angle is just another in a succession of people acting like assholes. While MVP knew better than Dixie Carter because he was a wrestler and she was not, Kurt Angle knows what’s best for everybody, because he’s Kurt Angle. Just like he knows just what Samoa Joe has gone through, he knows what Willow is going through as well. I mean, remember that time he went crazy, moved into an abandoned barn in the woods, kidnapped Bobby Roode, and only spoke in nonsense riddles for a few months? Well…I’m saying it happened, so it did. Don’t question it.

The point is that nobody likes Willow, and everybody wants Jeff Hardy back, amirite? Amirite?!

Nailed it.

Supplementary Worst: Wait, that’s it?

So all anyone had to do was break into Willow’s barn in the woods and say to this uncontrollable rage monster “Hey man, have you tried just being Jeff?” Poor Spud. That would have saved him so much grief.

Bram’s in a match, so uhh…here’s Brandon!

Best: Paying Attention To The Legal Man

The Wolves and their “ouch I stubbed my toe” wolf hows and their carefully practiced dance routines will never be my thing, but I’m giving the match a Best for the finish. Bram goes for a gutwrench powerbomb on Davey and it’s AWKWARD AS HELL, Y’ALL, but that’s a solid reason for Davey to reverse it into a backslide. Note: not perfectly executing a move is a great way to explain a counter succeeding, and not enough guys think that through.

Anyway, Davey backslides Bram and the referee won’t count it because he isn’t legal. Edwards comes rushing in, dives over them and pulls Bram’s legs down for a three count. I know it seems like I’m easy to please or whatever, but TNA having even an imperfect idea of how pro wrestling works is an improvement.

Best: Bram Looks Like Arnold Schwarzenegger Dying On Mars

Worst: Everyone is awful, let’s just burn it all down

Okay. So that may be a strong sentiment. But everyone in the segment is just…not a good person. Let’s examine the faces: Bobby Roode was mad at Dixie Carter for not getting a title shot. He was prepared to walk out, but she convinced him to stay, and offered him a 10% stake in the company. This was the real TNA TURNING POINT for bobby Roode. He started acting more and more like a whiny baby face, and rather rudely turned his back on E.G.O, maybe the best thing he’s ever been involved in (giant chair tiny legs ahhhh). He fought on the side of Team Dixie, but was put through a table at Lockdown, thus ushering in the Era of MVP. Of course, he was justifiably mad at Bully Ray for a while, but then they united in their love of Eric Young, and once again Bully Ray got off scot-free because there are never any consequences to his actions ever. Bobby Roode was subsequently suspended by MVP, and now Roode is back and real real mad, and sees his opportunity to get even with MVP because…he’s in a wheelchair. Mind you, the gist of everything is that Bobby Roode thinks MVP is hiding behind his injury, but wouldn’t you want him at full strength? Wouldn’t you want to give it some time to prove definitively that you are the better man? Isn’t that the more noble thing to do? Or at least the Jamie Noble thing to do? No? You just wanna push his wheelchair off of the stage?

Okay. Cool. Good face stuff, good face stuff right there.

This brings out Kenny King, which in turn brings out Eric Young, WHICH IN TURN brings out Bobby Lashley. And look…I know MVP has his stable of fwiends, and it makes sense for them to be out there, but can Eric Young just give up the ghost on Lashley already? He can’t beat him clean, he got his rematch, and he lost. He wouldn’t have had a title shot if it weren’t for MVP, but he lost the resulting championship on an even playing field. He wasn’t swindled out of anything. He can’t get it done, just like MVP said. Anything after that makes him look butthurt as hell, and it’s hard to be in the side of someone that drenched in undeserved entitlement. MVP is gross but right, and the faces are wrong and awful.

Worst: Speaking of awful…

Hey, you know how I hate spoilers? You know how taping mega far in advance is a realllllyy bad idea? I went to fact check something on Austin Aries’ Wikipedia page, and was not only immediately spoiled for the X-Division match (fair, it just happened), but was also spoiled as to the outcome of Destination X: A pay-per-view that isn’t supposed to air until the end of the month. That’s great. That’s exactly how you keep people hype for PPVs. How am I legitimately supposed to care about the X-Division championship, the WHC, or Austin Aries? That last one is just kind of a general, all-the-time question, but still. How is anyone supposed to have any kind of an organic reaction to anything you do when everyone knows what’s going to happen? Impact is predictable, but this is cold hard fact. You can’t go back and change this. You can’t fix this. If it weren’t my job to watch and write about this show every week, how would I be expected to pay attention to any buildup over the next couple of weeks? I feel like Bram right now. Just…AHHH. AHHHHHHHHHH. *stomps* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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