Worst: Xavier Woods Is A Terrible Person
CJ Parker comes to the ring and says that he wants to apologize to Xavier Woods for what happened last week. Woods shows up dressed like one of the Original Kings Of Comedy. Parker apologizes to Woods — sincerely, even — and Woods’ response is to be all sassy and insult him a bunch. Parker rightfully gets a little angry, but keeps his cool and assures Woods that there’s no catch, he just wants peace. He’s a hippie, after all. Woods responds to THAT with an obnoxious hand gesture, blowing into his fist and acting like he’s gonna poke CJ in the eyes.
Reminder: Xavier Woods is the good guy.
Anyway, Woods remembers the phrase “RUN AND TELL THAT, HOMEBOY” from an Antoine Dodson shirt he saw hanging near the Grumpy Cat one at Hot Topic and thinks he’s won the argument. Parker “kicks” him in the back of the head as he’s leaving. I put kicks in quotes because he kinda grazes his afro. Woods is COMPLETELY KNOCKED OUT. PYRO AND BALLYHOO.
Can we skip all this stuff and get to the part of the feud where CJ Parker accuses Woods of contributing to the death of the only remaining Funkasaurus in captivity?
Best: Let Me Wash The Taste Of That Last Segment Out Of My Mouth With The Vaudevillains Doing Nothing
For absolutely no reason whatsoever there is footage of the Vaudevillains trying to fit through a doorway at the same time and getting stuck, then having an out-of-sync, black-and-white conversation about how they’ll be champions one day. It made me smile, which a white piece of paper with VAUDEVILLAINS typed across it in Times New Roman could make me do right now.
I’d like to think the announce team was watching this on the monitors and did spit-takes trying to be the first person to say WHAT CHANCE WILL THEY HAVE AGAINST THE ASCENSION?
Best: NXT Has Turned A Loveless Marriage Into Compelling Television
“Is the Olive Garden fine or is it not?”
“I said it was fine. It’s fine.”
“Yeah but you don’t mean it’s fine.”
“No, I love you, it’s fine. Go to the Olive Garden.”
“I said nothing.”
“WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS”
Worst: The Battle Of Who Brandon Could Cheer For Less
The next match is Fat Neil squashing Angelo Dawkins, which I’m almost positive NXT put together just to see which one I’d cheer for. The results? Angelo Dawkins. I know, I know.
Here’s my rationale: Dawkins is in full jobber mode here and not doing any of the awkward Hip Hop Ninja Turtle stuff he did that one week I decided I hated his guts. The shooting sleeve is still there, but whatever. ‘Unbreakable’ Bull Dempsey still has a stomach in a King Kong Bundy onesie that looks like Jesus cleaning a bowling ball. He’s cutting post-match promos about how he’s a “wrecking ball” and never once calls himself Wrecking Bull. Advantage: Dawkins.
Worst: The Announce Team Needs To Stop Loudly Reacting To Everything That Happens
I’ve mentioned it before, but Renee Young goes OOOOH! like she’s watching a nasty head-drop or a Burning Lariat every time a wrestling move happens. Every single one of them. A guy hits a hiptoss and Renee goes OOH!! OOH!!!! She’s got the rest of the booth doing it now. Just dead silence for 20 seconds, somebody hits a dropkick and three people simultaneously go WHOAAAA!!! OHHH!~!!!
(You guys are supposed to be calling the match, not standing around in the background of a Worldstar video.)
Best: Sami Zayn Blows Devin Taylor’s Mind