Last Night On Raw: NOPE.
Post-SummerSlam 2010, wherein John Cena no-sold a DDT onto concrete and eliminated two Nexus members in seconds by himself to overcome the odds and win, The Nexus has kinda seemed like a joke. That’s about to get KICKED INTO OVERDRIVE with the Hell in a Cell story, which says that if John Cena wins, the Nexus must disband … but if Wade Barrett wins, Cena must join the Nexus!
Someone needs to re-edit that with Cena’s triumph horns.
Anyway, to build to a match where Cena would have to defeat one guy, Cena defeated FOUR GUYS, one after the other. At Hell in a Cell Cena would lose to Barrett via interference from two additional guys (Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty) and have to “join the Nexus,” which meant him just being John Cena for a month with a Nexus armband on. That set up a match for Bragging Rights where Barrett would challenge for the championship with Cena in his corner, and if Barrett lost that match, Cena would be fired. Barrett lost when Cena attacked him, drawing a DQ and firing himself. Cena totally no-sold the firing, showed up at every single show DURING his firing and ultimately beat Barrett again, ending the weird, brutal four month burial of the Nexus.
Worst: Let’s Instantly Ruin The Small Amount Of Wrestling On This Show
We have our first match of the night half an hour into a one-hour show, with AJ taking on Maxine. The actual match is pretty competent, save for a weird finish where Maxine suplexes AJ, AJ no-sells it and just rolls over to lateral press Maxine and pins her. It’s like, Maxine managed to hurt herself more than her opponent throwing a vertical suplex. I dunno.
All that good is erased by the instant return of Michael Cole, who declares everything he sees crap — including the ONLY WRESTLING CONTENT SO FAR ON THE SHOW — and reclaims his spot in the booth to be Second Josh and complain all night. Cool. Punk spent 30 minutes berating Josh into vocal submission, and now we’re back to square one.
Best/Worst: The Divas Talk The Talk Challenge
This is objectively horrible, but dude, watch every second of it. IT. IS. GLORIOUS.
- Jamie (who Punk thought was Kaval) gets the word “teeth.” The idea is that you’re supposed to improv a short promo incorporating whatever word they give you. Jamie does the same kindergarten teacher pandering she used in the joke-off to go “nobody wants to hear me talk about teeth. Isn’t that right FANS? Come on, isn’t that right LOCAL FANS?” She then cuts 30ish seconds of the most garbage “I’m smart, sexy and powerful” promo you’ve ever heard. Looking back, this was Jamie’s ‘exodus of McGillicutty’ moment.
- Naomi gets “toupee.” She has no f*cking idea what it means. She stands there silently while the crowd boos her for half a minute. After a while she just goes “WHY AIN’T WE RASSLIN, I WONNA RASSLE” and the crowd cheers. Striker announces that Jamie and Ny-omi have been disqualified for not staying on topic.
- AJ gets “caffeine.” The announcers try to bury it a little, but she gives a pretty decent speech about how she’s already bubbly and hops everywhere and doesn’t need caffeine, because she’s “some natural dynamite.” She also mentions that she’s been legitimately trying to get into the business for years and isn’t game-for-pay like the rest of the girls.
Prophetic CM Punk line about his future wife of the week: “I need some natural dynamite in my life.”
- Aksana’s promo is the most amazing improv scene in WWE history. I can’t even put it into words. It’s perfect. The only way it could’ve been better is if Striker had attempted to do a llama impression when prompted. AJ and Maxine cracking up in the background the entire time make it worth watching on loop, and AJ’s face when Striker says “it’s kinda like a camel, but not really” is unbelievably sincere. <3 <3 <3 <3 this forever.
- Maxine has no hope of following Aksana, but she gets “foot,” and it’s easy enough to say “I will kick people with my foot.”
- Kaitlyn gets “ignition,” and I swear to God if she’d launched into this I would’ve died. She doesn’t know what to say, so she talks about peoples’ underwear for a minute, lamely works in the word ignition and ends it with the ultimate True Dork phrase: “… and scene.”
Look at AJ’s face. This is the moment they truly became friends.
Worst: Kelly Kelly, Jamie and Naomi Ain’t Exactly The Shield
K2 starts off the main event by brutally f*cking up a wristlock (jump to 1:55 in the video), tagging out and letting the rookies finish out the match. Kelly Kelly are the intelligent legend and the real, bubba.
The finish isn’t much better, with LayCool decimating Naomi and trying to tag in Kaitlyn to get a pin, but Kaitlyn not remembering that you have to, you know, tag in to tag matches. The delay makes it even worse when Kaitlyn has her pin attempt reversed and loses the match.
I’d have more, but I’m still trying to figure out what a “llama” is.