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The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report For 8/29/14

By 08.27.14
WCW Monday Nitro WWE Network

WWE

Save me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.


Here is this week’s assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers report, the only place on the Internet to find out what happened on WWE Friday Night Smackdown before it airs and get real shitty about it. We’ll be back on Saturday with a Best and Worst of WWE Smackdown to fill in the gaps, but this is the gist. Spend your Friday night with friends instead of watching Roman Reigns do Raw match covers.

What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: These are actual Smackdown spoilers)

Dark Match

1. Big E and Kofi Kingston defeated Heath Slater and Titus O’Neil. get it, because they’re black. It looks like WWE pulled an “okay, let’s do it … wait, actually, no, I don’t want to … but I guess we aren’t doing anything else so fine, go ahead and do it” with the Xavier Woods faction, as Big E and Kofi had matching tights. My favorite thing about the team is Xavier Woods on Twitter saying it has “nothing to do with race” and is about intelligence, because yeah dude, WWE pairing up three black wrestlers and having them say they’re gonna “take” what they want is 100% about how you’re in college.

WWE Smackdown Taping

1. Roman Reigns defeated Bray Wyatt by DQ. I am not making this up for a joke: the match ended when the Wyatt Family attacked and got Bray disqualified. Mark Henry and Big Show ran down to make the save, which set up a 6-man tag for later. I am legitimately shocked that the main-event didn’t end with Roman Reigns hitting everybody with Attitude Adjustments.

2. Seth Rollins defeated Rob Van Dam. Please visit Rob Van Dam for the next 6-8 months at your local Pro Wrestling Syndicate show, where he will apparently have tons of fun wrestling Roderick Strong or whomever instead of getting millions of dollars to work four minutes a week.

3. Paige defeated Emma. This ended quickly, because:

1. NXT does not exist in this dojo
2. WE have not totally forgotten that Emma stole something
3. Santino retired, and you can’t be Girl Santino without Boy Santino pointing at you the entire time

After the match, the AJ/Paige love story continued, with AJ giving Paige chocolates. Paige tried one and spit it out at AJ, because she (I’m theorizing here) can only eat things that are her shade or lighter. I just like the idea of Paige eating mayo on whitebread sandwiches with the crusts cut off and drinking a glass of milk. If she accidentally eats a blueberry or whatever she starts turning purple.

4. Rusev defeated Jack Swagger. If you think something other than “Lana said she liked Russia, Swagger interrupted, Rusev beat up Swagger and won, they waved around a Russian flag and then Bo Dallas showed up to rub it in,” you haven’t watched wrestling for the last two months.

5. Jimmy Uso pinned Stardust. It looks like the Dust Brothers are pulling the old Lionheart Chris Jericho heel turn, apologizing for going nuts because of a loss, making nice, losing again and going nuts over it again. I only wish one of the Usos had a jacket they could tear.

6. Sheamus defeated Damien Sandow. This was supposed to be Sheamus vs. Miz, but Raw had a mildly funny thing about Miz having a stunt double, so they just blatantly do it again on Smackdown. After the match, Layla and Summer Rae show up in Sheamus’s corner and somehow Fandango gets hit with a Brogue Kick. That doesn’t make any sense, but there’s like a 40% chance it happened.

7. Roman Reigns, Mark Henry, and Big Show defeated The Wyatt Family. Reigns beat Luke Harper with a spear. After the match, he speared everybody else, including Randy Orton and Kane in a dark match. Roman then threw his hat into the crowd and hugged a child in John Cena clothes.

And that’s our show. Also, Monday’s show.

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Let us know what you think about the spoilers below, and any assumptive differences you might have. We’ll be back on Monday to regurgitate whatever worked here, i.e. “the stuff that already didn’t work on the previous Raw.”

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TOPICS#WWE
TAGSPRO WRESTLINGSmackdownSMACKDOWN SPOILERSSyfyWWE SMACKDOWN

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