Best: The New Greatest WWE Championship Match Of All Time
Here’s a video of me reacting to the Cena/Lesnar match. Every “boop” or “bong” noise is a German suplex.
I love this match more than I love my family. I can’t even describe it.
I have never seen a match so directly pulled from my brain. Seriously, think about it … if you’re reading predictions for a John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar match written by me, what’s it gonna say? It’s gonna say that Lesnar should just show up, destroy him for 15 minutes, laugh at his attempts at offense and just end his life to become the new champion. That’s what I type when I’m being hatefully optimistic. It’s not something I’d ever expect to exist. Hell, when we did Pick ‘Ems at the place I watched the show I picked Cena, because you HAVE to pick Cena.
I’ve read a lot of complaints about the match online today, and man, if you need an illustration of the self-defeating environment WWE’s created with their last decade-plus of booking, look no further than the damn Internet. People are complaining that the match was a squash. They wanted “a match.” Guys, this was a match. This was a match. What’s the alternative? The status quo? Do you really want a 50/50 match in a situation like this? If every main-event WWE match is a 50/50 Rock/Cena thing where they trade moves and then reverse a few finishes and somebody wins, that is the status quo. Cena defeating Lesnar is the status quo. It’s more of the same. It’s treading in the same stale water that makes 80% of the Raws you watch terrible. Guys win a match, guys get their win back, everybody exchanges heat until nothing matters and nobody’s over. If you want a big Cena match, guess what? There are literally dozens and dozens of WWE PPVs that end with 20 minutes of Cena trading moves and winning. There is an endless supply. It’s the predictable, commonplace, boring nonsense you’ve been complaining about for every one of those pay-per-views.
I’ve also read a lot about how the match was just “one move,” because of all the German suplexes. If you’re saying this, you need to watch wrestling more critically. The hope spots here were BRILLIANT. Cena charged in to start the match, and Lesnar quickly established that that “Brock Lesnar at 100%” thing was the truth. It effectively retconned the Extreme Rules match and its horrible booking decision of immediately putting Cena over a returning super monster make sense by not just SAYING, but DOING. Cena gets shaken from the early F-5 and while he’s strong enough to kick out, he can never recover. Lesnar just keeps dumping him on his head over and over, trying to get the ref to call the match. That’s the story. “Can Cena overcome the odds?” The answer is YES, OBVIOUSLY, but every time Cena pops up for one of his signature match-enders, Lesnar shuts it down. The entire time I was playfully telling people HE’S GONNA HIT ONE ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT AND WIN, WATCH. I had to say it in a fun way because it was super true and scared me to death. Cena pops up, hits one Attitude Adjustment and gets … two. So then it’s like, “he’s gonna get the STF out of nowhere and tap Lesnar out.” Lesnar complains too much to the referee, Cena gets the STF out of nowhere and Lesnar stays in it for way, way too long. It’s the best STF of Cena’s career. The only one that isn’t weapon assisted that has ever looked like a submission hold. Lesnar rolls out of it, punches him a bunch and F-5s him to win. It’s MAGIC.
Most of all, it’s a decisive ending. No bullshit. No interference and maybes and what happeneds. It’s the logical progression of a 100% Brock Lesnar who beat the Undertaker at WrestleMania getting the only other kind of win that matches “beating the Undertaker at WrestleMania” … making the most unstoppable, unrealistic champion in WWE history into a helpless, glassy-eyed pile of blood and piss and vomit and taking his championship belt necklace.
Best: All The Wonderful Places We Can Go From Here
The other big complaint is that you can’t “go anywhere” with Lesnar as Champion. What show are you watching, guys? This is the best-ever opportunity for WWE to build a credible, believable, insanely overpowered villain for the babyface icon of the next 10 years to unseat. It’s the new Andre the Giant, waiting for a Hulk Hogan. Only now Andre looks like a post-masturbation penis.
Just riffing off the top of my head, we could do …
- Daniel Bryan returning at the Royal Rumble, winning it and going into WrestleMania 31 against the opponent who can re-injure him the most and is now the BEST AT WRESTLEMANIA. A guy who could actually, for-real end his career. If you don’t think Bryan’s a credible opponent for Lesnar, consider that Lesnar’s best match ever is against Eddie Guerrero at No Way Out, and that the only other guy to beat Cena as clean as Lesnar is little-ass Daniel Bryan. Imagine Bryan kneeing Lesnar, Lesnar doing the hilarious Undertaker sit-up and Bryan kneeing him again.
- A Seth Rollins challenge. Rollins became the Authority’s golden boy with an inevitable ticket to a future WWE Championship run. Now all of a sudden the Authority’s thrown in with Heyman and Lesnar, and Rollins is stuck with a briefcase he can never use. How awesome would it be if ROLLINS ended up being the only guy with a shot at bringing the WWE Championship “home,” because all he’s gotta do is time it right and get lucky? Imagine the drama of him getting an opportunity to unseat Lesnar, Dean Ambrose showing up to stop him as promised and realizing he’s gotta let Rollins cash in, because it’s what’s right?
- On that same path, you’ve got Roman Reigns. You can give him a boring Superman run and run him into Lesnar at Mania, and that’s fine. OR you can incorporate the previous bullet-point and have The Shield get the band back together for a united purpose, because they’re the only force in WWE strong enough to take out Brock. Imagine the drama of Rollins helping Reigns but still holding onto the briefcase, and Roman not knowing if Seth’s gonna just stab him in the back again as soon as their done. The drama of that plus the intangible madness of Ambrose could tie everything together, give The Shield the instant nostalgia blowoff you know they’re gonna eventually get anyway AND lead directly into that Ambrose vs. Reigns vs. Rollins feud everyone predicted.
- The Undertaker. The goddamn Undertaker. Imagine Taker showing up to challenge Lesnar for the WWE Championship at WrestleMania 31. IMAGINE IT. Taker’s career vs. Lesnar’s championship. Taker vs. the man who ended his greatest accomplishment and made him look like a doddering old man. Just full on, fully powered, super gothic Undertaker at 100% taking on 100% Lesnar. ALL THE MONEY.
- A new challenger rising up and becoming The Man. Don’t you want to see Lesnar vs. crazy-ass Dean Ambrose? Don’t you want to see Lesnar against Cesaro, a man who could take his German suplexes and give them right back?
- Hell, if we’re spouting off hypotheticals, Paul Heyman’s the reason Brock’s where he is right now. Who knows Paul Heyman better than anybody and has a still-standing problem with Lesnar? Now imagine Cult of Personality hitting at the Royal Rumble.
We can go anywhere. We can do anything, because this is NEW. They can ruin it, yeah, but they haven’t yet, and these are the moments when we can allow ourselves to say hey, maybe this is where we do something different.
Here is a quick list of things we cannot do:
- A rematch at the next pay-per-view with John Cena winning his belt back.
ah man they’re gonna do that, aren’t they
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
CM Bunkhouse Buck
It’s a good thing that show wasn’t 4+ hours or I would have had to call my doctor about priapism
German announce team? They’re really selling that NEIN NEIN NEIN thing aren’t they?
The German announce team should spend this entire match Rodney Dangerfielding their collars.
Now on Grantland: How Bill Simmons’ PPV debut stacks up against the greats in WWE history.
“You’re a lumberjack, and you’re OK!”
This Steph gear is just Seth Rollins alternate gear.
Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo
I’d love it if Cena for-real broke up with Nikki over this.
There’s always a plan DDD
Minister of Propaganda
Meanwhile on Earth 2, this message board is all complaints about Punk jobbing clean to Bray and how Lesnar destroying Daniel Bryan means the WWE has lost all faith in small guys.
And now, with Cena dead, four new Supermen arise. The Last Son of Krypton, Sheamus. The Man of Steel, Big E. The Man of Tomorrow, Cesaro. And The Metropolis Kid, Roman Reigns. Who will be the next unbeatable champion?
Thanks, everybody. Deep breaths. Let’s have fun at Raw tonight, okay?