Worst: The Halloween Candy Eating Contest
Remember when I said NXT was the worst?
The next challenge is CANDY EATING, wherein the rookie Divas have one minute (read: four minutes) to eat as much candy as possible while Halloween Cowboy Hornswoggle runs around and bothers them. It’s boring enough to watch women who clearly do not eat piles of candy slowly eat piles of candy, but the entire process is moot because of WWE’s stupid referees. They count how many pieces are left on each person’s plate, so Maxine wins by just holding a bunch of it in her hand. It’s terrible.
The worst part is that Hornswoggle’s only out there to be around for POST-CONTEST COMEDY.
Yes, that is Hornswoggle dressed as a cowboy giving the Heimlich maneuver to Kaitlyn dressed as Vickie Guerrero and making her spit up a bunch of chocolate onto Vickie. Is HORNSWOGGLE BUTTF*CKS VICKIE GUERRERO UNTIL SHE THROWS UP ON A DIFFERENT VICKIE GUERRERO the ultimate WWE joke? Did they reach absolute zero? The weirdest part is that Vickie sells the vomit by calmly walking backstage. The crowd keeps waiting for a payoff, but the NXT music starts playing and it’s not mentioned again until everyone’s backstage. It’s like Vickie said, “welp, this is my life” and no-sold it.
Best: Matt Striker Saying Hornswoggle Is Dressed Like Cowboy Lang
Supplemental Worst for Cole and Josh saying, “who?” Know your NWA World Midget’s Champions, nerds.
Best: Dolph Ziggler Being Into Kaitlyn While She’s Dressed As Vickie Guerrero
I’m right there with you, buddy. It’s straight out of THIS AIN’T NXT SEASON 3 XXX.
Best: MARYSE IN THE HOUSE
This match is the hidden gem of NXT season 3, and it’s not just because I’m a Goldust stan.
The story is that Goldust was “stalking” Ted DiBiase and Maryse. The first theory was that he was after Maryse, and then they were like “oh shit remember when Goldust was GAY” and everyone thought maybe he was gonna freak out on Teddy Jr. It was revealed that he was actually stalking the Million Dollar Championship, which he stole and ran off to NXT with so he could keep his pants up while he was coaching, or whatever. He’s had it for a few weeks, so Ted and Maryse finally head down to get it back.
Maryse is my ultimate “don’t fast forward” wrestler. At one point she was the very worst thing WWE’d ever done. She was ULTIMATE AKSANA. Please do not recall her sexy “welcome to Smackdown” bumpers. Along the way though, she picked up enough to be a competent pro wrestler, had a great physical charisma in the ring and delivered some of the most dramatically oversold moments in WWE history. If you’ve never seen it, watch her get slapped by Cherry. Now watch it 60,000 more times. Maryse was secretly really good at what she did, and you’d never know because you fast forwarded all of her segments. Nowadays she’s a happy model who lives with The Miz and plays with dogs. Maryse is the Cesaro of beautiful women.
But yeah, this match is the best Aksana match ever in a walk and a legitimately very-good mixed tag match. Maryse understands Aksana, I think, and keeps it together long enough for Goldie to get in the ring and start TEARING IT UP. Dude’s moving at 10X his normal speed for most of this. Nobody messes anything up, they tell a cohesive story from beginning to end, and even the post-match stuff makes sense. WWE only uploaded about 5 seconds of the actual match, but if you get a chance to check it out, do so.
Next Week: Stuff you should probably not check out.