Welcome to this week’s Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers report, the Internet’s only resource for knowing what happened on Smackdown without having to watch it. There is literally nowhere else on the entire Internet you can find this information. We take Smackdown spoilers, we jump to conclusions about them and get all huffy, then we skip the actual show so we aren’t proven wrong. It’s a great system, especially if you’re an asshole.
Be back on Saturday to read the Best and Worst of WWE Smackdown, written by a guy I make watch it.
Here’s What Happened On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
Dark Matches
1. Tyler Breeze defeated a “local” jobber. Breeze won with the Beauty Shot. I can’t confirm reports, but the “local jobber” was Daniel Bryan. He showed up doing the “yes” thing and nobody remembered it, so he just collapsed in sadness in the middle of the ring and let Breeze pin him.
2. Adrian Neville defeated Sami Zayn. Prince Devitt, Hideo Itami and Kevin Steen all interfered, ending in a new Nexus forming and promising to take over WWE. Also, monkeys flew out of my butt. Neville won a match we’ll never see with the Red Arrow.
WWE Smackdown TV Taping
– The show started with The Miz calling out Dean Ambrose for what happened on Main Event. He also tripped over the steps trying to make his entrance, which is such a Miz thing to do I’m shocked we’ve never seen it happen before. He then tried to put the steps in a horrible figure-four, probably.
1. Dean Ambrose defeated The Miz. Ambrose defeated Miz despite three people trying to distract him. Out of all the things Ambrose has done, this might be the thing that makes him my favorite wrestler. He should hold a seminar for people like Dolph Ziggler and Natalya. “If you hear sounds, just keep wrestling. I know that sounds weird, but trust me. Dolph, why are you on your back with your legs in the air? EVERYBODY TURN OFF THEIR PHONES.”
– After the match, Dean Ambrose stole the Money in the Bank briefcase from interfering Authority types. I hope he shows up on Raw with it full of dirty clothes and gas station burrito wrappers.
2. Cesaro won a Battle Royal to become No. 1 contender to the Intercontinental Title. During the match, a giant GET YOUR HOPES UP ABOUT CESARO AGAIN, STUPID sign flashed above the ring.
– The Usos need to find something called a “cosmic key” before they can leave a room.
3. The Uso Brothers defeated Goldust and Stardust by DQ. The Rhodes brothers are tag team champions now, which means they have to lose all their matches. That’s the only way to set up a challenge, right? Have the challenger beat the champion five or six times in a row? That gets me hype for a big match, especially when the PREVIOUS pay-per-view was built with five or six non-title losses. TWELVE, TWELVE NON-TITLE LOSSES, HA HA HA.
4. Dolph Ziggler beat Cesaro to retain the Intercontinental Title. During the match, a giant LOL sign flashed above the ring.
6. Big Show defeated Rusev by DQ. It’s now Big Show’s turn to love America. Rusev got DQ’d by attacking him with the Russian flag. Later, he kicked Show’s manager Zeb Colter. Lilian made Big Show cry during the national anthem. I don’t know what I’m typing anymore. Something something Vladimir Putin. Jerry Lawler was probably outraged that people said the word “Russia” while standing in the United States.
And that’s the show.
The good news is that it sounds a little fresher than Raw. The bad news is that
– Those NXT dark matches are not just Smackdown, and
– LOL Cesaro
