The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 9/3/14: The Moment Of Gunception

By: 09.04.14

Worst: You got your Beautiful People in my Bromen :(

The Bromen make me happy, but literally zero things about this make any sense whatsoever. It’s like people only do things because they get paid, and that’s really sad.

Worst: Cogeco

I’ve been having a super cool fun time trying to watch a recording that looks like this:

Maybe…maybe they’re trying to protect me from Impact? Ugh, I don’t even know. Anyways, here’s Brandon to fill in the gaps:

Worst: Mike Tenay Yelling “GRINGO KILLER!”

This week’s X-Division match is basically a carbon copy of last week’s, so I’ll point out Mike Tenay yelling “Gringo Killer” and shake my damn head at it.

I wish they’d go all the way with it and turn Tenay into a Mexican revolutionary. Dress him up like one of the Three Amigos. Have him do those segments where he’s sitting at the table with Taz and all of a sudden stand up, draw a six-shooter and fire shots toward the rafters. Have a guy in cowboy clothes slowly lurch forward and fall into the ring.

“We know how THAT is, Taz, that’s Victoriano Huerta!” etc.

Worst: Manik Panic!

After the match, James Storm and The Great Sanada show up and drag Manik away by his feet. Two things:

1. Sanada spends his entire ring entrance holding the front of his hood up like AJ Styles. I don’t think this is a stylistic choice, I think TNA’s tailor sucks and doesn’t know how to make hoods. Has that been AJ’s problem all along? If you can’t see with your hood down, put your f*cking hood up. Or just walk forward in a straight line.

2. I hope James Storm takes Manik to his wooded shack and turns HIM into a Great Muta. Just regular Manik with Muta paint on the front of his mask. Not stitched into it, painted on. Have him spit mist, but since he doesn’t have a mouth hole the chin area of the mask suddenly turns green and he passes out.

Best, I Guess: A Perfectly Cromulent Wrestling Match

Eric Young wrestles Bobby Roode. It’s fine. It’s perfectly fine. They move at half-speed for most of it, look very upset when their secondary signature moves don’t get three counts, and Roode eventually wins with the ROODE BOMB, which is the worst-named finish in TNA. THE ROODE BOMB. You didn’t even put a SECOND of thought into that.

Worst: Brian Hebner

My main problem with the match is Brian Hebner. Dude’s garbage. If his last name wasn’t “Hebner,” he wouldn’t have a job. He doesn’t know how to help pace the match. Watch how he counts. Roode and Young are doing these slow, deliberate moves and then Hebner slides in and counts ONETWO as fast as he can. Most of the time he’s not even looking at the pins, he’s just falling down and counting as fast as he can. Look at this picture:

HIS EYES ARE CLOSED and he’s still coming down for that near-three. He’s just turning and closing his eyes and going ONETWO NO, ONETWO NO, ONETWO NO. He’s already in position for the next pinfall attempt before it happens. Is there a different ex-WWE ref we can sign to replace him? What’s Black Ref #2 doing? Is there a Mike Chioda Jr.?

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