Welcome to this week’s assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, taped (on tape) from Liverpool, England. Next time WWE goes to Europe, I’ll do one of these for Raw instead of writing 5,000 words about it.
If you’re new to the column, here’s what we do: we read someone’s mailed-in, copied-and-pasted Smackdown spoilers from the least reputable dirt sheet we can find, assume everything reported is accurate and true, and get bent out of shape about it without watching. It saves us a lot of time, because Friday nights are for playing video games or sitting alone in the dark, not uncool stuff like “watching wrestling.”
Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown, M8
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers, guv’nah! ENGLAND JOKES!)
– Chris Jericho opened the show with the Highlight Reel. Following last week’s ‘Peep Show’ with Christian, it looks like Smackdown’s new gimmick is bringing back all the old, interchangeable mid-show talk show segments that wanted to be Piper’s Pit, but were never actually important. Next week, Carlito will interview Triple H and Stephanie McMahon on Carlito’s Cabana. In two weeks, the corpse of Brutus ‘The Barber’ Beefcake welcomes Sheamus onto an all-new episode of The Barber Shop. Yes, I know Brutus Beefcake is alive. Doesn’t make him any less of a corpse.
1. Bray Wyatt defeated Sin Cara. PRESTIGIOUS. Bray Wyatt’s TitanTron promos and matches should become the same thing. Here, he beats up Sin Cara while saying real spooky stuff and gasping between every word. Sin Cara spends the next 10 minutes trying to put a lucha mask over a plastic sheep face. Real talk: suddenly there’s nothing more I want in life than Bray Wyatt melodramatically prophesying about lucha libre stories.
2. Goldust and Stardust defeated Adam Rose and The Bunny. Adam Rose has never tagged with the Bunny and has beaten him up in his last two matches, so OF COURSE they should be teaming now. I am legitimately shocked that the tag team champions got the win here. I guess if you want your champs to win clean in WWE, one of their opponents has to be an accident-prone furry.
3. Triple Threat Elimination Match For The Intercontinental Championship: Dolph Ziggler defeated Tyson Kidd and Cesaro. This leads to a rematch on Raw that features Cesaro throwing Grumpy Cat in the air and European uppercutting it as hard as possible. I think the end of Grumpy Cat’s narrative is her realizing on her death bed that life is short and precious, and she should’ve been happier. Note: This match sounds awesome, so the closest thing I can get to snark is “here’s how I’d kayfabe kill a famous cat.”
4. Natalya defeated Layla. Natalya won the third fall of a 40-minute, 2-out-of-3 falls barnburner that saw both women bleed, tons of sweet falsies and a moonsault from the top rope through the announce table. Natalya worked Layla’s fingers throughout the match, and was able to counter whatever Layla’s finisher is into a desperation double-leg takedown and a Sharpshooter. She managed to hold onto it until Layla tapped, then collapsed in the ring from exhaustion. They received a standing ovation from the fans and the boys in the back, and early reports say this may’ve finally been the match to turn the tide of inequality and prove to the world that women can be great professional wrestlers. Sara Del Rey has been happily sobbing since Tuesday night.
5. Ryback defeated Kane. Both men stood in the ring looking at the entrance ramp, making “come on” gestures and obviously mouthing “DISSS QUALLL IF FEH CAAAAY SHUNNNNN.” WWE continues their foolproof plan for selling Survivor Series by having a guy who has been around for three weeks and turned twice defeat a man who never wins.
And that’s the show.
See you next week. In America.
