Normally, the format of the assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report involves us going to a copy-paste news site on Wednesday morning, hastily copying and pasting in the first report we see and changing all the words to make it as snarky as possible. That takes a slight detour this week as I was actually at these Smackdown tapings, so … sorry?
Instead of our normal format, I’ll run down the show and point out my general feelings on what happened. It’ll be closer to actual Smackdown spoilers than usual, but you know me. Five sentences in and I’ll be fantasy booking and comparing wrestlers to Smurfs.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers. For real this time.)
– The show opened with Daniel Bryan and his Shawn Michaels hair reintroducing Ryback, Dolph Ziggler and Erick Rowan to give “I’m happy to be back” return speeches. The crowd chanted “what” for Rowan and then cheered him when he was done, because the “what” chant has stopped being derisive and is just a wacky sing-along for the crowd. The Authority interrupted to give the wrestlers they’d fired opportunities. If they win their matches tonight, they’re in the Rumble. They could’ve said “welcome back, you’re never getting opportunities again” and then just stopped setting themselves up for surprising failure, but what do I know, I’m not the evil figurehead of a fantasy sports fighting ring.
1. Dolph Ziggler defeated Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett. Ziggler won clean because Barrett is Intercontinental Champion, and that’s not even a joke anymore. It legitimately makes you the lousiest person on the show.
– Renee Young interviewed Roman Reigns. The spoiler report I copied in says, “One correspondent said it actually wasn’t awful and another said Reigns is looking more confident on the mic.” Here’s what actually happened: he said the phrase “cocked, locked and ready to rock” and insulted Big Show for calling himself a giant, saying Andre The Giant never had to call himself a giant. Andre. THE GIANT. The man with “THE GIANT” in his name. That guy never told anybody he was a giant. I guess by “actually wasn’t awful,” one correspondent meant, “Roman didn’t accidentally throw up while he was being interviewed.”
2. Ryback defeated Rusev. Ryback proved his dominance by doing that video game thing where you’re about to lose, so you throw the guy outside, beat him up until the 9 count and slide back in the ring. After the match, Rusev tried to get his heat back but got beaten up some more. At least they protected that pinfall!
Note: If the guy on a winning streak loses a bunch of matches by DQ and count-out, he’s not “undefeated” or on a win streak anymore. Goldberg didn’t lose 5 times via count-out to Jerry Flynn before pinning him on Nitro, you know?
3. Brie Bella defeated Naomi. Nikki Bella got a ROARING reaction from the crowd and the TitanTron and entrance graphics all said NIKKI BELLA FEARLESS. Brie actually wrestled. I guess at least the production team remembers that whole “you were my slave for a month and I’m stealing all the Bellas iconography” story.
4. Luke Harper defeated Erick Rowan. Rowan loses clean and doesn’t qualify for the Rumble. Would be legitimately surprised if Rowan’s still employed this time next year. Harper cut a pre-match promo about not blinking, then blinked a bunch.
– The Miz and Damien Mizdow are now in full “dissension” mode. Their new tag team name is THE DISSENSION. Not really. Jimmy and Jey Uso showed up to make it worse and kept replacing all their pronouns with “uce.” UCE THINKS YOU GUYS SHOULD BREAK UP. WHAT DO UCE THINK, UCE? They’re like Smurfs now.
5. Daniel Bryan defeated Kane. This was a No DQ match with Bryan’s spot in the Royal Rumble on the line. Bryan’s offense appears largely unchanged, although he’s coming up a little shorter on his dives to the outside to avoid crashing headfirst into the security barrier. Bryan kicked out of a chokeslam and won with his running knee, which still needs a name. Having him back is nice, and I’m excited to see him do literally anything besides feuding with Kane and the dregs of The Authority. After the match, the locker room cleared out to brawl because the Royal Rumble is on Sunday and that’s always what happens.
