The road to Fast Lane holds MANY CARS in this week’s assumptive WWE SmackDown spoilers report, the only column online that tells you what happened on SmackDown without any of us actually seeing it. We hope you like mass burials and random alignment changes!
What Happens On This Week’s SmackDown
(reminder: these are actual SmackDown spoilers)
– Kane opens the show by announcing a tag team turmoil match, in which Daniel Bryan will team with Daniel Bryan against eight Kane/Kane teams. This will be the actual, for realsies ending to their feud. After the promo, a graphic announced Daniel Bryan vs. Kane in a 3-hour, 15-minute iron man match for RAW.
1. Bray Wyatt defeated R-Truth. Wyatt’s spent the last month beating Dolph Ziggler, so now he gets to beat Ziggler’s stunt double. As a heads-up, the tag team turmoil match is the only thing on the show that matters, so all the pre-turmoil matches are sub-Superstars throwaway fare. Wish I had more jokes!
2. Paige defeated Summer Rae. This was all about the Bella Twins on commentary, which I’m sure was constructive and added to the match. Paige won and “had words” with the Bellas, and I hope those words were, “Please do not ever be on commentary again.”
– Rikishi’s still going into the Hall of Fame, and Sheamus is still returning. They aired a Blood Runs Cold vignette as well in the SmackDown occurring in my brain.
3. Fandango defeated Adam Rose. The epic feud continues. Drop down into our comments section and try to make a funny assumptive booking joke about Fandango vs. Adam Rose. I’m challenging you. All I can do is type “they danced” and put my head on my desk.
4. Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns won tag team turmoil. No force in the WWE Universe is as powerful as a tag team of singles wrestlers who don’t get along, so the will-they-or-won’t-they pairing of Bryan and Reigns defeated Miz and Damien Mizdow, The Usos, Los Matadores, The Ascension, a returning Slater Gator AND Big Show and Kane. Still not typing any jokes. Tag team wrestling!
The story of the match is that Bryan gets most of the eliminations, causing Reigns to get more and more pissed off because he’s an entitled baby who can’t be happy defeating six tag teams at once. The highlight of the night is this line, which I’m copying and pasting in directly from the actual SmackDown spoilers, because holy crap:
Big Show turns face out of nowhere and knocks Kane out.
Show really took that “Alicia Fox is two up on him on the all-time turns list” joke seriously, I guess. I hope he turns heel again at the beginning of RAW and face again at the end, and the show goes off the air with him being presented a shitty swerves Lifetime Achievement Award.
