Welcome to this week’s assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, the only place on the entire Internet to find out what happens on Smackdown before it airs. We’re through the looking glass, people.
This is actually the first time in several weeks we’ve been able to write one of these. Two weeks ago I was actually at the tapings and couldn’t be assumptive, and last week was live thanks to a random act of God. Hopefully it’ll read like a good episode and not just a copied-and-pasted-in Raw!
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Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
Dark Match
– Charlotte defeated Sasha Banks. Right out of the gate these spoilers are unreliable. Sasha Banks doesn’t “lose.” What kind of marks are sending in these reports? Come on.
Actual Smackdown
– All right, so if I tell you the show opens with Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan on MizTV, what do you think happened? Like, what’s the first draft? If you said “Roman Reigns punches Miz for no reason and then someone puts Daniel Bryan in a handicap match involving Kane,” congratulations, and by “congratulations” I mean “engh, I’m sorry.”
1. Dolph Ziggler and Ryback defeated Gold and Stardust. Ziggler is now Ryback’s little buddy and wears a “Lil’ Guy” weight belt in case you were hoping they’d remember Ziggler being a cool hero at Survivor Series and not just escape pod him back down to the bottom. ZIG GUY wins when Stardust walks out the match. Afterwards, Ziggler and Ryback put on Los Matadores masks and pretended to be bullfighters, probably.
2. Dean Ambrose defeated Curtis Axel. Axel’s now using HASHTAG AXELMANIA, which is the greatest. After the match, Bad News Barrett appeared live via satellite from a garbage can a la Oscar The Grouch and asked Ambrose why on Earth he’d want the Intercontinental Championship.
3. Fandango defeated Adam Rose. Like Blades of Glory, but pro wrestling.
4. Roman Reigns defeated The Miz. Welcome back to 2010, when The Miz was a cool undercard guy you wished could beat the nondescript muscular guy. Roman helped Michael Cole move a couch into a Uhaul and reportedly looked “really strong.” I’m just kidding, Roman is a precious angel who never makes mistakes and doesn’t deserve to be made fun of.
5. Rusev defeated Erick Rowan. Before meeting John Cena and feeling treated like a human being for the first time in his life, Erick Rowan was a terrifying threat and held (NXT) tag team gold. After meeting Cena, he’s the white Kofi Kingston. Lesson learned: never love yourself.
6. Paige defeated Alicia Fox. Before the match, the Bella Twins tried to attack Paige and Alicia helped her fight them off. During the match, Alicia hit Paige with brass knucks and tried to choke her out with some production cables. After the match, Alicia helped Paige to the back.
– Bray Wyatt cut a promo. In three weeks, the Undertaker issues his response: “What are you even saying? Stop breathing like that.”
7. Daniel Bryan defeated Seth Rollins, Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble. After the match, and I swear to God I’m not kidding, Bryan was attacked by Kane. The nihilistic part of me that loves chaos and sadness wants another Bryan vs. Kane match at Fast Lane, and for it to be billed as ONCE IN A LIFETIME. I want Kane on the microphone saying, “BRYAN, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO GET INTO THE MAIN EVENT AT WRESTLEMANIA? YOU ALREADY HAVE A MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA. A HANDICAP MATCH. AGAINST ME.” And then fire goes off to mute Bryan kicking something and yelling “mother F*CKER.”
That’s the show!
