Here’s a fun game: Read this week’s WWE SmackDown spoilers, and try to figure out which parts they think will make people want to pay to watch WrestleMania.
What Happens On This Week’s SmackDown:
(reminder: these are actual SmackDown spoilers)
– Daniel Bryan starts off the show announcing that he’ll be in the Intercontinental Championship ladder match at WrestleMania 31. I thought he’d already announced that, but I guess I took “standing on the announce table and making Yes Chants at the WrestleMania sign during the IC title duck-duck-goose bullshit” literally. Everybody else from the match appeared and brawled, because none of them have a story or reason to want the title beyond aimless fighting.
1. Los Matadores, Tyson Kidd and Cesaro defeated Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods and The Usos. Los Matadores and The New Day suddenly have +5 to all attributes because they wedged themselves into a WrestleMania feud. I’m guessing the match ended when El Torito, Natalya, Big E and Naomi simultaneously caused a distraction and everybody fell in a big pile.
– John Cena is a damn baby.
2. Ryback defeated The Miz. Miz ordered Damien Mizdow to stay backstage. Fandango doesn’t get his entrance theme, Bad News Barrett can’t say he’s afraid he has bad news and now Mizdow gets to pantomime wrestling moves by himself backstage for the enjoyment of nobody.
– Roman Reigns cut a promo on Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar that probably involved him working the phrase “punch you in da mouf” into a parodic reading of Little Miss Muffet. He was interrupted by Mark Henry, who sorta knelt down with a gentle look in his eyes and said, “Ready Roman? One, two, three, go!” before getting punched in da mouf.
– Bray Wyatt and The Undertaker will have a Wizard Battle at WrestleMania.
3. Paige and A.J. Lee defeated Summer Rae and Cameron. This was a Cameron match with The Bella Twins on commentary. Also while you watch somebody stands behind you with a box of nails and hammers them into your skull. Paige wins by tapping out Summer Rae, and A.J. lies down on the apron and thumbs through her phone.
– Mark Henry doesn’t believe Reigns can beat Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania. In an unrelated note, he had a decades-long sexual affair with his sister. Kayfabe.
– Randy Orton rejoined the Authority and shook hands with Seth Rollins. Team Cena vs. Team Authority was made for Survivor Series. I’m just making this up now. Wouldn’t these things be crazy?
4. Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler and Dean Ambrose defeated Bad News Barrett, Stardust and Luke Harper. Bryan wins by after hitting Harper with the Knee Plus. In a post-match thing that might’ve just been for the live audience and I swear I’m not making up, Michael Cole interviewed the babyfaces and they took turns calling Daniel Bryan a “turd.” Last year, he defeated three members of Evolution, won two matches and hoisted two championship titles at the end of WrestleMania. This year, they’re ending SmackDowns by calling him shitty.
WRRRRRRRESTLING!
