Welcome to this week’s assumptive WWE SmackDown spoilers report, the only column online that tells you what happened on SmackDown without watching it AND jumps to conclusions about it. This week, we begin the cold, somber march to WrestleMania 32. NON-TITLE LOSSES DEAD AHEAD!
What Happens On This Week’s SmackDown:
(note: these are actual SmackDown spoilers)
– Seth Rollins came out to open the show and took the first step on the Road To The Extreme Rules Main-Event: himself vs. Randy Orton. How do you build this feud? By having Orton get DQ wins in impromptu matches against The Authority, of course! Welcome back to Earth!
1. Randy Orton defeated Big Show. Orton won by DQ when Kane, Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble all interfered. Ryback made the save, and the world waited with stars in their eyes to find out whether or not Ryback will face Kane in a chairs match at Extreme Rules. Oh I hope I hope.
2. Naomi defeated Natalya. The Bellas sat in on commentary, which is WWE for “that scene from the end of Raiders where the Nazis’ faces melt.”
– Dean Ambrose used Kane’s personal bathroom and hijinx ensued. Yeah I wish this was a joke sentence I’d written to be a snarky asshole, too.
3. The Miz defeated R-Truth. AWESOME TRUTH EXPLODES! This was the inverse of Monday night. Miz wins, Mizdow runs out and beats him up. I’d actually kinda love it if that’s how the feud continued … with Mizdow still technically being Miz’s stunt double, but them hurting each other in identical ways one after the other.
– John Cena loves America. Rusev doesn’t. They’re mad about it, still!
4. Dean Ambrose defeated Luke Harper. Ambrose won by DQ when he realized he was looking at his future self, sent back in time to stop him from turning into clown shoes when the Shield breaks up.
5. Sheamus defeated Daniel Bryan. As Intercontinental Champion, Daniel Bryan must now lose all of his matches to whomever’s challenging him at the pay-per-view. Here he loses to Sheamus by countout when Bad News Barrett Bullhammers him at ringside, setting up either Bryan/Sheamus, Bryan/Barrett or Bryan/Sheamus/Barrett. I am willing to sit through at least four weeks of bad non-finishes to make a good PPV version of any of those matches happen.
And that’s the show!
