Do you want to know what happened on SmackDown without actually having to watch it? Me, too.
In case you’ve never read this column, the Assumptive WWE SmackDown Spoilers Report copies and pastes over SmackDown spoilers from a Wrestling Newz site and jumps to a bunch of conclusions about them without watching. It’s like a game of telephone, except it’s about wrestling and nobody’s reading. ENJOY.
What Happens On This Week’s SmackDown:
(reminder: these are mostly actual SmackDown spoilers)
– Dark Match: Jack Swagger defeated King Barrett. Barrett defeated Zack Ryder on Raw, which means he won’t win another match until October. Besides, you’ve got to protect JACK SWAGGER.
– The show opened with Seth Rollins dedicating tonight’s match to Jamie Noble, who died in The Great Brock Lesnar Attack of Aught-15. He’s interrupted by Ryback, who cuts a promo that is probably (1) terrible, and (2) way too personal. Ryback vs. Kane is set for later in the show because Drew Barrymore’s character from 50 First Dates writes SmackDown.
1. Sheamus defeated Dolph Ziggler. Rusev interrupted the match to creep on Lana, because when you’re in love and it goes wrong, you sometimes do stupid stuff. The payoff to that will be Rusev being punched for it, which is simultaneously disappointing and the correct response. Sheamus won because somebody somewhere cares about Sheamus. Spoiler alert: His name has more than two Hs in it.
– Summer Rae approached Rusev backstage and asked him if he’d be into dating her, then dating Layla, then having them both treat him like sh*t for three months.
2. Alicia Fox defeated Naomi. Tamina attacked the Bella Twins on the outside, distracting Naomi long enough for Alicia to roll her up and get the pin. After the match, everyone hugged and celebrated the single most unique finish in WWE history.
– A replay of John Cena on Raw popped the crowd, which is fortunate because John Cena doesn’t work Tuesdays.
– We finally get that “Bo Dallas tries to join The New Day” segment I’ve been obsessively fantasy booking since the second The New Day started clapping about positivity, so I’ll be watching at least 90-ish seconds of SmackDown. KEEP THIS GOING. BO DALLAS NEEDS A THING. THE NEW DAY NEEDS TO KEEP BEING THEIR THING.
3. Ryback defeated Kane. Big Show attacked Ryback before the match, causing the crowd to deeply, sympathetically connect with Ryback. “He’s just like us,” they were heard thinking. “We should cheer for him, for it is WE who should be winners!” The match started, Ryback did fine and Big Show attacked again, causing a disqualification. We could’ve just jumped from the pre-match attack to the finish, probably, but who are we to steal away a Kane vs. Ryback match from you, the WWE Universe?
4. The Prime Time Players and The Lucha Dragons defeated New Day and Bo Dallas. Backstage, Neville kept checking his phone to see if Titus had written him back about the match tonight, but found nothing. It says Titus read the text at 7:57 p.m., so that’s weird, but nothing. Neville wondered if Titus had made it to the show okay.
– The “Bray Wyatt mystically kidnaps Roman Reigns’ daughter” angle continued with SPOOKY PHOTOS, and with The Authority banning Roman from the building for trying to LARP Bioshock on their time.
5. Seth Rollins defeated Dean Ambrose. Is this the first time they’ve wrestled? Dean was doing well, but was distracted by Joey Mercury, allowing Rollins to hit a Pedigree and win. The show ended with The Authority standing tall, because nothing says WWE TV like a triumph of middle-management.
And that’s our show!
