Welcome to the assumptive WWE SmackDown spoilers report, the column that jumps to conclusions about what happened on SmackDown without ever actually watching it. It’s how internet discourse works. You decide something and run with it, whether it makes sense or not. On this week’s show, Ryback defeats the WWE World Heavyweight Champion because that’s a thing we’re doing.
What Happens On This Week’s SmackDown:
(reminder: these are mostly actual SmackDown spoilers)
– The show opens with Seth Rollins mourning the death of J&J Security’s camo-laced Cadillac, and he and Paul Heyman trading promos. All I want from this angle is exclusive footage of Brock hacking away at the trunk with his axes, and then segmented, bloody pieces of Dean Ambrose falling out of it.
1. Dean Ambrose defeated Bo Dallas. Good to see Ambrose settling into that Rusev groove of going back and fighting the one jobber he can destroy whenever he loses a big match. The first show after Ambrose’s next pay-per-view match will probably be against Bo, too. This meant exactly as much as the Raw match.
2. Rusev defeated Fandango. All this time we’ve spent worrying about Dolph Ziggler and Lana, but how does Fandango feel watching his ex-girlfriend hang around with a xenophobic Bulgarian? Oh, also, in the most important WWE news of the year, Rusev is wearing “shoes” now. I assume the spoiler report meant boots, but I’m okay with him wrestling in penny loafers. R.I.P. Rusev’s Rob Liefeld feet, 2013-2015.
3. Roman Reigns vs. Big Show happened. SET YOUR DVRs, FOLKS. In the only finish to a Roman Reigns match this month, Bray Wyatt’s music interrupted Roman’s attempts to win the match. It was once again a decoy Bray, and Roman got attacked from behind by the real one. I hope they reveal decoy Bray as a brainwashed Dean Ambrose. Basically all of my fantasy booking ideas are “Dean Ambrose is doing something other than whatever he’s doing.”
4. Titus O’Neil defeated Big E. NXT Champions are 0-2 on the show so far.
– Randy Orton cut a promo on Sheamus. SET YOUR DVRs TWICE, FOLKS. He’s interrupted by The Ascension, and they both get RKO’d. NXT Tag Team Champions are 0-Life on the show so far.
5. Brie Bella and Alicia Fox defeated Naomi and Tamina. Heel and face alignments were decided before the match in a game of rock paper scissors.
6. Ryback defeated Seth Rollins. Yep, this is an actual match result. NXT Champions are 0-3 now. Ryback wins by count-out when Rollins ran away. Big Show ran in to help Seth, which brought out Roman Reigns. Maybe they did the entire show and reverse and there’s a Show/Rollins vs. Ryback/Reigns match we’re missing. If not, look for that next week. Congratulations to SmackDown on its first ever tag team main-event setup!
