WWE
Welcome to the assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, the column that jumps to conclusions about a pre-taped Smackdown and ensures that WWE will never again invite us to press events. If you’d like a better perspective on Smackdown and what it all means, watch the show. If you just want to know what happens without ever having to watch it, briefly enjoy this column!
Here’s what you need to know: Teddy Long is haunting the Smackdown logo, and anything that comes within 100 feet of it is forced to interrupt someone’s conversation and start punching until a tag team match is made.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: excess snark aside, these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
– The show started with another tribute to Rowdy Roddy Piper because it was taped in Portland and he spent a lot of his career there, and also because every show should start with us remembering Rowdy Roddy Piper.
– I want to type “Smackdown isn’t even trying anymore,” but I don’t know when that started. Seth Rollins opens the show with a promo and gets interrupted by Neville, they get interrupted by Cesaro and they get interrupted by Kevin Owens. Guess what happens next? I can’t believe this is seriously what happens every week. If I had Nate Birch’s job of writing up a Best and Worst of Smackdown, I’d have thrown myself down a flight of stairs six months ago.
1. Charlotte defeated Naomi. We can’t keep pushing Charlotte’s “genetic superiority” thing when they put all the white girls on one team and all the people of color on the others, right? Like, it’s not even a joke at this point. It’s WWE desperately needing a friend to pull them aside and say, “Hey, man. I don’t think you realize you’re doing this, but, uh.”
– Ryback comes to the ring for a promo to discuss what happened on MizTV, but gets interrupted by Bo Dallas. Nobody interrupts them, but they end up in a tag-team match with no partners.
2. Roman Reigns defeated Luke Harper. Reigns won by disqualification when Bray Wyatt interfered. I think that’s the first time that’s happened all year! On a serious jumping-to-conclusions note, this story ends with Dean Ambrose joining the Wyatt Family, right? He’s a lonely, crazy drifter who doesn’t bathe, and they’ve been hitting the “Dean and Roman are best friends, they’re just like BROTHERS” thing a little hard. Dean’s getting a sheep mask at SummerSlam, isn’t he?
3. The Prime Time Players defeated The New Day. Book. Ing sucks. Book. Ing sucks.
4. Seth Rollins and Kevin Owens defeated Cesaro and Neville. Lots of video packages this week, I guess. Rollins pinned Cesaro with a handful of tights, assumedly to keep Neville strong for his tag-team match with a guy from a CW superhero show. I was going to make a joke about how they should let Supergirl wrestle at Survivor Series, but there’s no way they’re letting a lady named “Benoist” near a WWE event.
