Previously on the Best and Worst of Raw: We’re on the caboose of a runaway train to WrestleMania. The New Day cut a promo with photos of a trash can, Terry Funk gave Dean Ambrose a chainsaw with which to murder Brock Lesnar for real, and Roman Reigns got super cereal. It works out well for him!
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for March 28, 2016.
Best: Thank God Shane Made It To That Table
In case you missed it, the story of the Shane McMahon vs. The Undertaker rivalry has been this:
Shane: sup dad I’m back
Vince: [gulp]
Shane: I want control of everything and have blackmailed you to get it
Vince: Since I don’t know how blackmail works, I will only accept it if you go ONE ON ONE WITH THE UNDERTAKER IN HELL IN A CELL AT WRESTLEMANIA AND IF YOU WIN I WILL GO ALONG WITH WHATEVER BUT UNDERTAKER HAS TO RETIRE, AND IF YOU LOSE YOU WILL BE LITERALLY DEAD I THINK
Shane: [dances]
Undertaker: I AM UNDERTAKER, INSTRUMENT OF DESTRUCTION
Shane: u a bitch
[gentle jabbing]
This week, they took the story to its logical conclusion:
Shane: u a bitch
Undertaker: YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS THE BITCH
[gentle jabbing intensifies]
That leads to a big fight where Undertaker lands believable-looking pro wrestling strikes and Shane plays the “I touched you last” game. It all culminates with Shane putting Taker through the announce table with the Leap of Faith elbow drop, and I’ve gotta be honest, as impressive as it was, it was the most “leap of faith” elbow drop ever.
The entire time he was in the air, I was like, “at least make the table, at least make the table, at least make the table.” There was a good chance he was gonna come up short because he is over a decade older than he was the last time he tried that, and that was gonna give us a 46-year old with a shattered ribcage 6 days before his WrestleMania main event. Thank God it went okay. Shane still kinda landed three feet to Taker’s right and at best forearm-grazed him, but it works. Sighs of relief all around.
It’s also really interesting that they’d have Shane do one of his big, signature spots so close to a match that lives or dies based on the anticipation of big spots. I guess that means that when Shane tries it at Mania, Taker’s moving? Or hell, maybe he’s Leap of Faithing off the cage, and this was our reminder that he’s occasionally out of his goddamn mind.
Best: Zack Ryder Continues To Fumble Towards Ecstasy
1. I make as much fun of Zack Ryder as anyone, but I’m kinda loving his slow ascent into relevance. A month ago he was the second most notable guy in the Hype Bros, and then suddenly Neville gets hurt and he’s in the Intercontinental Championship ladder match at WrestleMania. This week’s main is a six-man tag featuring 6 of the 7 people from that match, and Ryder ends up being the odd man out. What does that get him? A surprise victory over Chris Jericho. Ryder is the Being There of pro wrestling right now. I kinda hope the belt comes loose at WrestleMania and falls onto his chest while he’s lying on the ground.
2. Heel Chris Jericho is my favorite thing in the world, especially when he’s doing improv and can’t think of anything to say. “Styles, how stupid are you, huh, you STUPID IDIOT!”
Best/Worst: Placeholders
I don’t have anything bad to say about Charlotte vs. Becky Lynch, other than the fact that we’ve seen it before. Becky’s doing well, Ric Flair grabs her leg, Charlotte recovers and hits a couple of big moves for the win. Sasha Banks is on commentary, but she doesn’t really say or do anything.
We’re very clearly just treading water and keeping these characters on peoples’ minds for WrestleMania, and as much as I want compelling week-to-week television, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Best: Curtis Axel
Axel giving a happy birthday shoutout to his dad was the under-the-radar best part of Raw. Curtis Axel, you are occasionally adorable.
Worst: LET’S ALL FIGHT NOW, WHO CARES
So, the rest of this segment.
Kane and Big Show team up to face the Social Outcasts, which is a little strange given the last time we saw them, Kane was attacking Show. All’s fair in battle royal prep intimidation, I guess? The match ends almost immediately when the other Outcasts interfere, and the segment ends with Kane and Show quadruple chokeslamming them.
Ignoring Kane and Show changing alignments when the wind blows, this taken by itself might not be a terrible segment. What’s weird is that it turns into an actual battle royal at one point, with random people from the locker room running out and just DOING BATTLE ROYAL ACTIONS until it’s over. There’s no reason for most of these people to be out here, they just know this is the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal segment so they run out to be a part of it. It’s like any of those go-home shows before Royal Rumbles. “EVERYONE ELSE WAS DOING IT, I JUST WENT ALONG WITH IT.”
Worst: What A Super Sneaky Attack!
Bubba Dudley just yelling “HEY! ROMAN REIGNS! OVER HERE! COME OVER HERE! I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU!” to set up an ambush is so funny to me. First, he sounds like one of those pedestrians in video games with side quests who scream at you when you run by them doing something more important.
Second, I wish Roman was a logical human being sometimes. I guess when your regular problem solving technique is “cock fist, jumping punch a guy, run into him with your shoulder and do howls” you sometimes just wander into ambushes thinking it’ll be okay. Like, how do you see Bubba Dudley standing there and assume D-Von Dudley is not within 10 feet? Do you know how Dudleys work?
I’ll touch on the night of Roman/Triple H interactions later, but man, Roman could’ve fallen in a hole covered with sparse branches and it wouldn’t have been as deserved.
Best: The New Day In Front Of A Crowd That Knows It’s Okay To Love Them
I’ve been down on the New Day lately, but this felt right.
I loved seeing them in front of a crowd that gets and appreciates them, and gives them a standing ovation for existing. It makes the act work a lot better for me if everyone’s kinda supportive of and into their natural vibe, and they don’t have to work so hard to make obvious jokes and try to control WWE crowds. Everyone’s just like YEAH NEW DAY, and they get to roll around in it. Also, +1 for the well-timed Phife Dawg reference.
I liked the match a lot, too, which is remarkable because a few years ago “Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Kingston” was one of my most dreaded, constantly-occurring matches. Kofi breaking out the Trevor Lee double-stomp counter was my favorite moment, especially after Kofi properly credited it on Twitter.
I’m not looking forward to The Lads doing anything at WrestleMania (or anything else), but if the match there has the same energy and crowd response, it could be the sleeper match of the night. The League of Nations has been a long-con to lower our expectations so they can remember they’re four great wrestlers and just tear it the hell up at a WrestleMania, right?
Best: COACH!
The Coach being at WrestleMania at the same time as the Rock is the most I’ve looked forward to a Rock thing in years.
Worst: Just Throw Kalisto On His Ass, It’s Fine
The opposite of Kofi/Del Rio for me was Kalisto vs. Konnor, which felt like it was Konnor’s first wrestling match in six months. There are multiple moments near the end where Konnor just kinda picks up poor Kalisto and hurls him backwards onto his ass. There isn’t gonna be a lot of heat in an Ascension singles match in 2016 to begin with, but by the end it felt like everyone was just kinda willing it to be over.
The post-match stuff with Ryback was flat, too, because it was nothing. Just nothing. Ryback gets in the ring, gets in Kalisto’s face and starts a “feed me more” chant. It seemed like it was only there to get a shot of them nose-to-nose under the WrestleMania sign for the video package. I don’t like it when segments are so obviously production decisions.
Best: A Customized Death Wagon
So, uh, Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar are in the ring and Heyman’s cutting a perfectly Paul Heyman promo about Brock being an NCAA Champion and the Splatterfamilias or whatever when Dean Ambrose interrupts with a little red wagon. Not a joke. Watch the video. The wagon is full of all the weapons he’s collected so far, and he just wheels it down to the ring so he can put the steps in it and wheel it away.
I can’t decide if this is the ultimate dorky Dean Ambrose moves or the most baller hardcore insult of all time.
The thing with Ambrose is that he goes back and forth. Sometimes he’s legitimately cool, and sometimes he’s attacking people with ketchup and mustard from a stolen hot dog cart. I mention “fooled by a hologram ghost lantern” and “tried to attack a guy with a plugged-in TV” a lot, but it’s an observable history of Ambrose being way more of a goober than he should be. Then you have cool moments like the entirety of the Triple H mini-feud, with Ambrose thanking H for title shots while gasping on the ground. Or you have him driving an ambulance back to the arena and challenging Brock Lesnar to a fight even though he can’t stand up under his own power.
The wagon is a little corny, especially because it’s red and had a damn Dean Ambrose logo on the side, but I like the sentiment. I like the reminder that Ambrose’s most dangerous attribute is that he can sincerely not give a f*ck, which makes him fearless. I mean, he got a chainsaw as a gift, if you go into a fight with a chainsaw you’re probably going to do okay.
I’m excited to see how this pays off at WrestleMania. I’ve got a feeling that Ambrose is going into it with everything he’s got, and I know Brock is capable of magic when they don’t lean so hard on Suplex City. Even that can be cool again if it’s “suplex you into a wagon” city.
Note: I hope the match starts with Lesnar clotheslining Dean, then just lifting the wagon over his head and throwing it away.
Best: Evil Emma! Or,
Best: Social Experiment Eva Marie
Two wonderful things happened during this:
1. EVIL EMMA returned to Raw, complete with her aviator sunglasses, half-gloves and club banger theme. It’s hurt a little without Flavor Flav-ass Dana Brooke posing near her, but still. Emma is as good (and now well-rounded) as any female on the roster, and iPad cases be damned, she deserves the spotlight.
2. WWE built up a “mystery Diva” who’d help out team Total Divas against B.A.D & Blonde — a lot’s happened since the last Raw, apparently — only to reveal that it’s ALL RED EVERYTHING EVA MARIE. Eva comes storming out to make the save and the crowd turns into a damn garbage disposal.
I have a soft spot for Eva now that she’s spent several months in NXT being repurposed as the incredible natural heat magnet she is, and I hope this run on the main roster (if it’s more than just WrestleMania) does the same thing. Her teammates seemed to not want her around when she was helping them out, so I’m hoping they’re aware of the response she causes and not trying to fashion her into Lady Roman Reigns.
(I still wish she’d made the save riding on Nia Jax’s back.)
Worst: The Crowd Collectively Loses It
I’m not totally sure what happened in the six-man tag main event, but the crowd is GONE. Maybe it was all the Roman/Triple H stuff, maybe it was the aftermath of Eva Marie, maybe it was the fact that they know at least 4 of the people in the 7-man ladder match don’t have a chance. Maybe they were tired of the bench-clearing brawls. I don’t know, but it was pretty crazy to see a smark crowd chant “BYRON SAXTON” and “CM PUNK” while Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens were in the ring. Like, where were y’all during that Ascension match?
The match itself isn’t bad. It starts to pick up and get better near the end, but the crowd makes sure it’s DOA. I guess I can’t blame them for being tired after sitting through 3 hours of this, plus the Smackdown taping before it.
The post-match, of course, is about Roman Reigns.
Worst: How’s This Main-Event Angle Working Out For Everyone
Roman Reigns. Not very popular last night.
Pretty much the entire show is built around him. When Triple H cuts a 15-minute promo about how the WWE Championship Match is the only thing that matters at WrestleMania, Roman’s presence and offense gets loud, collective boos. No “mixed reaction” stuff this week, just straight-up booing. When Triple H beats him up backstage, people seem to like it. At the end, amidst the show’s most recent “everybody pile into the ring and fight” moment, Roman dives over the top rope onto everyone and it’s great, but it’s still not enough to get everyone behind him. As a go-home for WrestleMania, you couldn’t have a less positive response for the babyface in your WrestleMania main.
I think that’s the thing I’m most excited for this weekend. It feels like we’re reaching the point of no return on Roman, for better or worse. There’s a chance he’ll just win the championship and they’ll dump confetti on him whether we like it or not. But there’s also a chance that they’re paying attention to these reactions, and are planning something to take advantage of them. I’m not sure you can pull off an official double-turn with the Evil GM character, but I feel like something is happening. Something that changes the conversation for good. It’s time for that.
Alternate plan: Roman Reigns and Eva Marie romance angle.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Ray Storey
This is just Triple H getting us really excited for NXT this Friday…Thanks Buddy.
Nevers
As much as I love Dean Ambrose, his match against Brock Lesnar should end exactly the same way the Oberyn Martell v The Mountain match ended.
XPacEnergyDrink
Two long Triple H promos? Can I order Wrestlemania TWICE?!?
Amzingred
i have believed this for a while and i still do.
Cody Rhodes is the biggest hidden gem WWE has on their whole roster.
Mr Grift
Sami Zayn is currently in a tag team with the most generic of luchadors.
Full Nelson Reilly
“No one says Eva Marie started the Divas Revolution.”
HighEnergyForever
“At least I didn’t get Eva Marie’s reception.”
-Roman Reigns
The Longest Tard
“Ow my eye, I’m not supposed to get championship belts in it” -Roman
The Real Birdman
Triple H: “And I’ll see you all Friday for the biggest event ever”
Steph: “Umm..Wrestlemania’s on Sunday Hunter”
Triple H: “I know what I said”
Thanks for reading, everyone. WrestleMania, ahoy!
