Impact Wrestling is under new management, and some old faces are back in behind-the-scenes roles. The company has also just wrapped taping several months’ worth of shows, but it appears some of their big, bold new ideas might need further explanation than just what happens in the episode. Case in point: this week’s show will feature a “Race For The Case” match, and if you don’t know what that is, don’t worry: neither does anyone else.
In advance of Thursday night’s episode of Impact, the company posted the official rules for the match on their website. Unfortunately, we’re just left with a lot more questions than answers. I can only imagine how baffling this must have been for the people watching live in the Impact Zone.
It’s the first ever time that we’ve heard of such — A Race For the Case match that will change the game for several IMPACT Stars. On Thursday, roughly 12 competitors will enter the ring all vying for a colored briefcase that’s hung high around the ring.
Okay, so far, so good! Just Money in the Bank, then! Wait … ROUGHLY 12 competitors? You don’t even know how many people are in the match? Is one of the people a portion of a person? WHY IS THERE AN APPROXIMATION OF THE AMOUNT OF COMPETITORS
4 briefcases that hold the number to their destiny.
uh what
Not only are the competitors fighting for a case, they’re fighting for the best number.
okay
And obviously everyone wants to open their case to find the reveal of the number one.
well sure obviously yeah
The number that is unveiled with each opening of a case will determine what order the winners will be able to pick a match of their choosing with any stipulation. That means that the competitor can challenge for whatever championship they would like. For the winner who opens the case with the number one inside, his opportunities are endless!
Oh, so it’s like the Never-Ending Pasta Bowl, but for wrestles! Why didn’t you just say that in the first place? Pasta analogies are universal!
And you have to open the case to reveal the number? Despite the fact that every image of a briefcase in your teaser video shows a number on the OUTSIDE of the case? ARE THOSE DECOY NUMBERS???
Once a match and its stipulation is decided, the other remaining winners with numbers 2,3, and 4 cannot choose the same type of match or stipulation. Their choosing must be much different than the first.
Oh, so the opportunities for the person who gets No. 1 aren’t “endless,” they’re just not limited. Different words mean different things, guys.
For example, if the winner of the case with the number 2 wants to challenge for the World Title and number one has already decided that they indeed want to compete for the World Championship, they are unable and their decision must be rendered obsolete.
Well, can’t this be circumvented if the person with No. 4 is like, “I want a Coal Miner’s Glove match for the world title” and then No. 2 is like, “Well, I want a Strap Match for the world title,” can’t No. 1 just say, “Well I just want a normal singles match for the world title.” Those are all three different matches and stipulations, right? Is there a limit on number of matches for each title? You should say that, then.
And if No. 3’s choice of match gets “rendered obsolete” (you can’t just shoehorn Broken Hardys references into everything, people; we know what you’re doing), is that it? Are the boned? Or do they get to re-pick? Your extensive rules here don’t say they get to re-pick. That’s very mean-spirited, even for a company that used to have a “Feast or Fired” match.
All of the winners and their decided matches will take place in the future at Open Fight Night against a person of their choosing.
OPEN FIGHT NIGHT. I want this to be like open mic night, where just anyone can just wander off the street and try out their free-form wrestling they’ve been workshopping. Although, I guess, in a way, all wrestling events are a lot like a poetry slam.
So there you have it: four briefcases, 12 wrestlers (maybe!), and everyone who winds up with a briefcase gets any match they want, unless someone else wants it. It’s less like Money in the Bank and more like Yankee Swap.
Oh my god, it’s Yankee Swap as a wrestling match. You’ve Yankee Swap’d us, Impact. You did it, you maniacs. You blew it up.
